So vain

This thought has actually crossed my mind several times. I only decide to write it now though. Finally. A hard headed high pride person such as I – you have got to hit my head more than once for me to get what you are saying. Or rather, to accept it.

First occurrence.

Meeting a new friend, a fellow traveler who has traveled longer than I am. She gave me her e-mail and blog address. I could not refrain from giving her mine.

Hers was simpler – a smart playful modification of her name. Mine was and still is “a pilgrim for life”. I felt embarrassed as I was writing it. It crossed my mind whether mine should have been humbler, simpler, and neutral. Who am I to claim that I am a pilgrim for life or even to proclaim and to announce it to the world? Show off! But time passed by. I let it pass.

Second occurrence.

A comment from stranger in the blog. He (I presume it was a he) left a link to his blog. I clicked the link and found that his was even more amazing than my first story – he did not even reveal his identity. He has poured all those great thoughts in his blog yet managed to stay anonymous. He seems to understand very well that it is the writings, the messages that are important whereas the writer can stay at the back seat or out of the car at all. I felt more embarrassed.

I thought about changing the name of the blog. But at the end I decided that I would keep the name, at least for the time being. To remind me of how vain I am. To remind me I still have a lot of pride in me. I still have a long way to go.

I traveled back in time and re-read a passage that was sent to me once by another friend. She said: “The process of self purification (nafí) continues side-by-side with everyday responsibilities, rather than as with some traditions (tariqah), whose practices often constitute no more than removal from one cultural context to another."

The passage continued, "A change in outward form does not necessarily mean inner change, so unless there is a specific reason for doing so, the public wearing of distinctive clothes, the eating of special foods, or adoption of alien customs, is avoided."

She added that this is one way which genuine Sufi groups can be marked out from pseudo-ones, who show by their desire to stand out from the crowd, an attachment to ego, rather than a lack of it.

Agree. Yet here I am still using huge name such as "a pilgrim for life" for my blog. Geez. Talk about standing out from the crowd. Oh well.

Thank you, friends. Thank you, strangers.

Showing my color

Proudly wearing my nationality on my sleeve :) The flag of Indonesia. Celebrating the 61st anniversary of its independence. The rest of my comment, see this.

Hi, how are you?

I wrote in my yahoo messenger to a friend, trying to make a conversation. She did not reply. Apparently it was a ‘zombie’ – where the user seems online but he or she is not.

Oh well. Then the next morning she buzzed me. What’s up, she asked. Nothing, I said, just wanted to know how you were. Does anything have to be up? I did not know that I need a reason to call a friend other than just want to know how he or she is.

The previous time was even worse. When I called up another friend to say hi, she asked how she could help me. She said in this modern world, when people called up other people, where was always something. People are just too busy to call for a chat and nothing else.

Sad but there is some truth in it. This so-called modern society has gotten into a strictly business stop-wasting-my-time-if-you-have-nothing-to-say mode, full of vested interest. Ck, no, I should not be this skeptic.

A reminder of how all great leaders of religions have always advised the importance of maintaining bonds among friends and neighbors, of the beauty of smile and of the simple gesture of greetings.

Can we do that? Smile to other people. Say hi to friends. Greet the janitors or security guards or whomever you pass by. Say thank you for every little favor a person has done for us. Can we?

- Aah, this reminds me of your Smile campaign, Ai :) -

The mouse is in the house!

Literally. Even ‘worse’, there was a mouse in my room last night. Yuck, you say. Yeah, part of the consequence of living in a tropical country, having your room next to a garden, and opening your window at night.

I could not sleep. The thought of there was a mouse that might suddenly jump over me did bother me. Then my mind started to wonder.

I was thinking what if the mouse gets into my open suitcase – which was just lying on the floor half-packed for tomorrow. Perhaps I should zip it. Then I thought well, on the other side of the room lied my mom’s suitcase. Will it be too selfish of me to just zip my suitcase only and not hers?

The mind shifted to dear old Mom. I recited a prayer for her. And Dad.

My thoughts then went to the people who had to live with mouse etc in their houses – perhaps those who live in the refugee camps or slump areas. Mouse bites are very dangerous to children yet they can do very little about it.

I started to do my invocation (or dzikr in Arabic).

Poor little mouse, I thought. It was just trying to find its way out of my room. It too was afraid of the situation and perhaps was panicking. It did not mean any harm. We are all just trying to survive and live our lives.

I was calming down. I continued my invocation. The mouse found its way out of the room through the same window it went in from. My room was once again in total silence. My mind was at peace.

It is amazing what thoughts a little mouse can trigger. Perhaps God was running out of options on how to wake me up in the middle of the night for a chat.

Family death

In this last two weeks, I have attended two funerals. Two uncles of mine have passed away, one of lung cancer and the other of diabetes. May they rest in peace. Kind people.

In addition to feeling sad, I am always amazed how funerals can get all the family, relatives and friends together. They always manage to work hand in hand to ensure that the deceased has a proper burial. In less than 24 hours, we get all things done – efficiently and solemnly. Why cannot we do the same for other family get-together events such as weddings or birthdays?

They said attending funerals is one way to remind us of our own death. Imagine how we feel when we see our own body lies there. Imagine how we feel when they put our body into the coffin. Imagine how we feel to see our loved ones cried over us. Imagine the kind of things that we have not done or said to our family. Imagine what will happen after the burial has finished and we are left alone. What will happen after that?

To me, funerals always reminds me of my late father. It reminds me of how I too will part with my own immediate family, sooner or later - not sure whether it will be sooner or later, unsure whether I will go first or last. It makes me think –

Death also brings about many questions. Have I done all the things that I want to do or is there still anything that I will regret the day I die? Have I lived the way I am supposed to live? What will happen after we die? Will we go to heaven or hell? Is there heaven or hell? Will we reincarnate or is this the only life we have? Can the dead really visit the living? Will we meet those who have died earlier? Will we see the angels and the Big Guy?

My late uncles were good people. May they rest in peace. May we all have peace, even before we die.

Two more questions: Are we ready to die now? Why are people so afraid of dying?