A pilgrim for life

Go to: Chipping In

2006-12-10T21:58:00.000+07:00

This would be my last entry in Pilgrim for Life.

Remember when I said I was starting to be uncomfortable with the name pilgrim for life? Well, guess what, the feeling has gotten stronger and stronger. So I am changing my blog's name.

From now on, I shall write my thoughts in Chipping In .

But I shall not delete this blog, however uncomfortable I am with the name. Because this blog has been a part of my journey, and an important part as well.

Thank you for walking the journey with me. Thanks for the support. Keep reading. And let's start doing something. Anything.

The umbrella boy

2006-12-09T09:28:00.000+07:00

I wanted to have lunch at the canteen at the back of my office building. It was raining. So I called one of those boys who rent out umbrellas for the pedestrians.

He walked beside me in the rain. Of course, I chatted with him – cannot have a living being (note: not only human) standing beside me without me chatting with him/her.

I asked him why he was not at school. He said he has graduated from the high school of economics and now he is unemployed. He wanted to enroll in a higher degree education but he has not money.

Do you know how many Indonesians have graduated from high school or higher? About 23%. More than 20% do not even graduate from elementary school. (data: Statistics Center Bureau, 2004)

So if a high school graduate can only rent out umbrella for a mere five thousand rupiah or less (about fifty cents US dollar) during rainy days, imagine those have received a lower level education.

Tell me we do not have a problem. Tell me we can continue living our lives the way we do. Tell me we can ignore the suffering of the less fortunates.

Start doing something. Anything.

Out of the comfort zone

2006-11-30T14:10:00.000+07:00

I told my ex boss that my new office has started to cc me in some of the e-mails. I even received one at 11pm last night. I got suspicious of the working hours. He chuckled and said I might as well return to the old company and have less hassle.

I thank him for the suggestion and said, “I have gotten so used to you pushing me out of my comfort zone, that now I am pushing myself out of my own comfort zone.”

It is true though. Perhaps it is the only way for me to learn and to grow.

Refreshingly rich

2006-11-30T13:07:00.000+07:00

I met several friends a couple of days ago. To put it bluntly, they are the daughters of rich and famous fathers.

But if you see them, you would not have guessed. One of the topics was that street-hawker snacks called kue cubit and how we often crave for it. Another topic was how we can help other people or even the country – and I tell you, they have done quite a lot.

You would say of course, it is easy for them to be like that. If we only know the emotional struggle they have to go through and if we only realize how many ignorant heart-less rich people there are, then we might be able to see them in a much more positive and less cynical light. We might even learn to appreciate them and to be thankful for them.

Some people can do something but are not willing. Others are willing but feel powerless.

They are among those who care, can, are willing and actually do something about it. They are the rich people - through and through.

Beautiful sunset

2006-11-27T21:31:00.000+07:00

I was on my flight back home earlier today when I saw this beautiful sunset through the aircraft' window. The shades, the colors, and how they blend with one another. The dark clouds that floated around just add to the dramatic scenery.

I moved to the empty window-seat beside me and continued staring at the sunset. It was so beautiful. I almost cried. I actually did.

I don't think that the rest of the passengers noticed the gorgeous sight just outside their windows. I wanted to take a picture of it to show you. But I have left my camera at home. I tried turning on my mobile phone (flight mode, don't worry), but I forgot the PIN. It was not meant to be shared. It was for me only.

Thanks for the personal entertainment. It was a good end to an eventful day.

What’s my job got to do with my life?

2006-11-25T09:00:00.000+07:00

That question came from a friend. She is a very special person spiritually. She more or less guided me when I had no one else to converse with, not about this particular subject. Yet she said that she is doing an ordinary job like any other layman. The job, she felt, has nothing to do with what she is spiritually. She is an architect, building lavish buildings and five star hotels.

So I told her a couple of stories from my other friends.

Friend A. She is working in a new business development division of a telecommunications company. Ordinary job. Hard work. Long hours. One day she said to me, “I had to get this project. Those people who work under me – they are paid on project basis. If I do not get this project, they will lose their job.”

Friend B & C. They set up a company. They hired young people – fresh graduates, people who have been in the industry for a short period. The company grew. But what they are always proud of – the one topic that they always brag to me about – is how the people have grown. They groom people and push them to another level. They help people grow.

Friend D. He wants to set up a coffee shop. Another big city thing, we thought, but not for him. He wants the coffee shop to be a place where people can get together, talk freely and discuss just about anything. He said, “If I cannot be those people, at least I provide the place where they can hang out and exchange ideas.”

You. I said to my friend. Do you realize how many people you employee when building one hotel? About 500-600 people, she said. Do you realize that you have secured jobs for those 500-600 people for the next several months? Not to mention those that will be employed to run the hotel. Not to mention how building good infrastructure will be good for the business or tourism industry in the local area.

I rest my case. What about your job?

Back in the game

2006-11-25T08:26:00.000+07:00

I am back to my full time mode. I have just signed a one-year contract to be a communications manager for a project to develop small and medium enterprises (SME) in Indonesia. There goes my being a freelancer for the time being.

The process was strangely smooth. It took less than two weeks from the first time I heard about it to the time I signed the contract. The interview, the background check, the talk about administrative stuffs – all flowed very smoothly.

All I can make of it is that it was meant to be.

Out of the blue this friend called. She was offered the job but she did not want to do it. Then as she put it, she had a eureka moment – she thought of me. Who would be more excited about an SME project more than I? She was right. So I contacted the guy.

When I spoke to the guy (my current employer) for the first time over the phone, it was obvious that I was unsure about the “full time” part. He gave me until Friday to tell him whether I want to be interviewed.

On Friday I had made up my mind: to say no. Then I had a small chat with another friend. It was such a brief and small chat – I was sitting on the couch while she was doing her make up. I told her I would say no and she said “why not? Bla bla..” then I changed my mind. Ok, I will do it. Just like that. I felt like I was not even thinking. It was an automatic decision. (It’s the coffee, I had not had one that morning, therefore I could not think straight. Good timing. (or was it the durians?))

The rest is history.

I would like to thank those two friends in particular – one who told me about this job opening and the other who told me to forge ahead just when I had decided not to. You know who you are. Thank you. I owe you a big one.

Pray for me that whatever I will be doing will benefit the people who matter most in the project – the small medium enterprises of Indonesia.

Who bothers whom?

2006-11-16T20:09:00.001+07:00

My family has this monthly gathering every month, where we pray and recite Al Qur’an together for about one hour. During the recital, my nieces and nephews expectedly run around, shout and laugh – in other words, having the usual good time. Then one of us so called adult would tell them to play somewhere else, away from us.

I wonder what goes on in their mind.

“Hey, what is wrong with you? This is how we always are. How is now different?”

“Why should we be the ones who go away, why not you?”

“Why should we be the ones who keep quiet, why not you?”

“You are saying we are noisy. What about you? At least we are laughing and having a good time. Are you?”

“What is wrong with having a good time?”

“We were here first. We have been playing here for hours. And suddenly you come and tell us to go away?”

And we say they are egocentric. And we say we know better.

I don't want to miss a thing

2006-11-16T08:25:00.000+07:00

A classic by Aerosmith

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing,
Watch you smile while you are sleeping,
While you are far away and dreaming,
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender,
I could stay lost in this moment forever,
Where a moment spent with you is a moment I treasure,

(Chorus)
I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep,
Cause I miss you baby, And I don't want to miss a thing,
Cause even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream will never do,
I still miss you baby and I don't want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating,
And I wondering what you are dreaming,
Wondering if it's me you are seeing,
Then I kiss your eyes and thank god we're together,
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever and forever forever

(Chorus)

And I don't want to miss one smile,
I don't want to miss one kiss,
I just want to be with you right here with you,
Just like this, I just want to hold you close,
I feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment,
For all of the rest of time

(Chorus)

It has been one of those days.

A welcomed distraction

2006-11-03T12:45:00.000+07:00

This is one reason why not to have a webcam.

Playing around with the webcam of my sis's new notebook.

Oh well, fine, back to work.

(in the pic: sis, mom, me and nephew)

Friendship - 2

2006-10-27T14:38:00.000+07:00

Well, I also had another rather opposing experience with another friend. I would not write the details of the recent incident out of my respect to that friend. (Let’s use plural, those friends, to refrain ourselves from using gender-revealing third person single pronouns)

Suffice to say that they did something that went against my definition of friendship or relationship, again and again, and again. Yet I still consider them as friends. In fact, I still consider them as my closest friends. But I used to be not without emotions. I used to be offended when these things happened. I used to ’accept’ but still grumbled.

But when that particular unfortunate incident reoccurred this very last week, I felt fine. I was truly okay. They ‘mistreated’ me but I was okay. They can do as they pleased but to me life goes on. I just moved on to the next thing to do.

And I still consider them as friends - more than ever - and wish them well. I still care for them deeply but I am letting go of my expectations on them. They will return when they want to return, when they need to return.

I am letting them be. I am letting me be. I am letting us be. And move on to whatever thing that is in front of me right now. Enjoying what I have. I did not realize how much easier life can be with such attitude.

That night after the incident, I did my prayer. I felt fine. I told God about my experience. I told Him I felt fine and recited a prayer for that friend. I felt God was smiling and nodding at me. I smiled back. It was a beautiful feeling.

I know I still have not graduated from the school of emotion. But thanks for that smile and the nod, God. It makes me feel I am going in the right direction. Hey, even God makes those small gestures to nurture the friendship.

Friendship

2006-10-27T14:27:00.000+07:00

Friendship is indeed one of the most valuable experiences I have had this Idul Fitri. I sent out SMS and e-mail to quite a number of people – many of which I have not met or even talked to for some time.

I have many surprising responses from old friends and acquaintances – short but nevertheless sweet. It was a beautiful experience to receive those responses, to get reacquainted once again.

It reminded me a of quote that a friend of mine Philip wrote in his blog as he was remembering a late friend of his whose departure was so soon and sudden.

He said, “As time goes by, I find the reason for my deep grief. Dicky always took time to greet me, here in my weblog or through emails. He dropped me a line or two, posted comments on my blog or sent emails."

Philip then added, "Such a ‘little thing’ I realize now is important in every relationship. Dicky showed me the true meaning of ‘care’. Email, SMS, a buzz on Yahoo messenger, comments on weblog, are meaningful in nurturing friendship.”

He is right. Those small gestures are meaningful in nurturing friendship. Thanks for sharing, pal.

Happy Eid Mubarak 1427H

2006-10-22T15:36:00.000+07:00

Abu Hurairah, may Allah be pleased with him, reported:

A person came to Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) and said: Who among the people is most deserving my companionship (of a kind treatment from me?) He said: Your mother. He, again, said: Then who (is the next one)? He said: It is your mother (who deserves the best treatment from you). He said: Then who (is the next one)? He (the Holy Prophet) said: It is your mother. He (again) said: Then who? Thereupon he (The Prophet (peace be upon him)) said: It is your father.

Hadith number in Sahih Muslim [Arabic only]: 4621

Happy Eid Mubarak 1427H

May we all be among those who are able to open our eyes and heart to first and foremost be true to ourselves.

Warmest regards to your mom and dad. Tell them they've done one hell of a good job bringing you up.

Just like the roots of a mangrove tree

2006-10-19T04:44:00.000+07:00

A friend was telling me in her e-mail, "I saw a mangrove tree at the Botanic Garden and was reminded of the mangroves we saw at the Singapore Botanic Garden. Those are the trees that drop roots from the branches so they grow both up to the sky and down into the ground. Do you remember them?"

I told her I love the way she described how the roots of mangrove drop from the branches - "so they grow both up to the sky and down into the ground".

It sounds very much like what we humans are supposed to do as well - to grow both up to the sky and down into the ground.

Too much of a coincidence

2006-10-16T00:50:00.000+07:00

I visited a funeral of a dear friend’s father today. It was Sunday morning and yet it took me about an hour to get there. I had not slept well the night before. But I did not care. I ‘had to’ go. I needed to go. It was too much of a coincidence. And I shall tell you why.

She was a student of mine about three years ago. We kept in touch once in a while but never really got to talk. She joined my client’s company just when I was about to start my sabbatical. So we never really got a chance to work together either.

About three weeks ago, I was meeting that ex-client of mine (her supervisor) for lunch and there she was in the same restaurant. We sat together - she, my client, another friend and I - and we had a good laugh. I promised her that we would have our own coffee.

And we did. We met last Wednesday evening. We had a good long conversation over dinner and coffee –about everything and about nothing. I enjoyed every minute of it. (I really did, Rin, I did not even need to try or to pretend ;)) Such a lovely loving person.

Last night I came home at about midnight and I could not sleep. I did my prayer. During which I received her SMS. Her father passed away due to sudden heart attack.

Now tell me I did not need to go the funeral – after all the recent series of unexpected encounters. It was too much of a coincidence.

So I went there this morning. I learned that her father was a great man, judging by the strong positive impressions that I gathered from people who attended the funeral.

Her father just arrived from a social project trip last night, broke the fast at home, did his night prayer and felt unwell. He went to the hospital. And the rest is history.

Such a peaceful parting process in the last week of the holy month of Ramadhan. He must have been an extraordinary man.

I met my friend briefly – there were so many people –, said my prayer and expressed my condolences. Then I went home.

I am not sure what to make of this. I am still unsure why we need to meet after all this time. And why now? What can I do for her? What can I learn from her? I am still unsure. I know there is something. There has got to be something. This is too much of a coincidence.

Stay strong. Your father is in good hands. And so are you.

"Tak perlu memiliki"

2006-10-15T08:54:00.000+07:00

Apology to the non-Indonesian readers, this time it is an Indonesian song, sung by Rida Sita Dewi. The lyrics is so beautiful and can be interpreted in various ways. Just like every other thing in life. No right or wrong. Just different. Just varies.

I have my own interpretation - I have more than one. And I dedicate this to you. To You. Thanks.

Dingin bayu tak menjadikan 'ku ragu
Kedamaian t’lah lama ada di kalbu
Walau ‘ku melangkah sendiri, jiwaku tak sepi
Kudapat apa yang kucari dan tak harus kumiliki

Rinduku mencair dalam rintik air
Bagai selimut kaca yang menemani tidurmu
Kasih, kubicara dalam sunyi senja
Hadirku tanpa kata, tanpa satu rahasia lagi

Ketulusan tak pernah berjejak pinta
Janji fana, manis kata dunia, semua akan berlalu
Sepi yang mereka sangka sebuah siksa
Hampa yang mereka duga akhir segala-galanya

Rinduku mencair dalam rintik air
Bagai selimut kaca yang menemani tidurmu
Kasih, kubicara dalam sunyi senja
Hadirku tanpa kata, tanpa satu rahasia

Apa yang kausebut sejati, jadi milikmu kini
Karena apa yang kaucari, tak perlu kaumiliki

Sekeping damai surga yang hadir di jiwa
Jadi milikku selama dengan mencintaimu

Rinduku mencair dalam rintik air
Bagai selimut kaca yang menemani tidurmu
Kasih, kubicara dalam sunyi senja
Hadirku tanpa kata, tanpa satu rahasia

Cintaku mengalir tak akan berakhir
Tak perlu kaumengerti arti ketulusan ini
Cintaku mengalir tak akan berakhir
Tak perlu kaupahami arti keyakinan ini

Arti ketulusan ini, arti keyakinan ini

"For mom, dad and my little sisters.."

2006-10-12T21:54:00.000+07:00

The conversation happened the other day when my sister visited a doctor with her nine years old daughter.

The doctor was looking at my niece when suddenly he asked her, “Do you often recite al-fatihah (the first surah in Al Qur’an which is said to be the mother of all surah)?”

She said. “Yes.”

He asked again, “for whom?”

To which my niece innocently and casually answered, “For mom, dad and my younger sisters.”

Ooowh. And I suddenly felt like the most egocentric person in the whole earth. When was the last time I did that? She does it all the time and I cannot remember when was the last time I recite a surah for other people.

The doctor turned his head to my sister and said, "You know, if and when you go to heaven, it will be because of your daughter and her prayer for you."

Tell me, when was the last time you recite a verse from the quran, the bible or whatever for your mom and dad? When was the last time you pray for them?

Program anak asuh

2006-10-10T23:10:00.000+07:00

Friends, this is a program that is organized by a dear friend of mine, Gantina, to help ensure needy children can enjoy their education. It is a small and personal project worth supporting. Anybody who wants to participate in the program can e-mail me and I shall provide her details.

Apology to non-Indonesian readers for the proposal is in Indonesian.

Additional note from Gantina:

kami memberikan laporan kegiatan via email secara berkala:
- per bulan,
- per semester dan
- per tahun.
Detil jenis laporan tercantum di dalam proposal slide.

Ttg seleksi anak asuh, sampai saat ini metodenya masih seperti ini:
1. Sosialisasi program ke sekolah2 (Okt '06 - Feb '07)
2. Kandidat mengisi & mengembalikan formulir pendaftaran (Feb-Mar '07)
3. Seleksi administrasi & interview (Apr - Mei '07)
4. Pengumuman hasil (Mei - Jun '07)

Syarat administrasi umum:
1. Muslim
2. Dari keluarga tidak mampu
3. Prestasi akademik baik (minimal 7.0 selama 1 tahun)

Tentang memilih anak asuh
Untuk sementara ini pemilihan anak asuh yang diterima berdasarkan jumlah konfirmasi dana yang dari pihak donatur untuk suatu tahun ajaran.
Jadi kita dapet konfirmasi dulu budgetnya, baru cari anaknya.

So far kita udah dapet konfirmasi untuk 12 orang anak.
Jadi mungkin untuk saringan ke-1 akan kita ambil 20-25 anak untuk ikut interview.
Kalo mau milih anak bisa setelah ada hasil interview (sekitar bulan april 2007).

Untuk tahun ajaran depan sih udah sekitar 30-an anak yang menyatakan keinginkan untuk mendaftar (tingkat SD-SMP). Dan kemungkinan masih akan bertambah karena kita sosialisai sampe Februari 2007.

Mudah2an bisa dimengerti. Tapi kalo mau tanya lebih lanjut juga bisa hub aku langsung kok.

salam
Gantina

Start doing something. Anything.

Losing my profession

2006-10-09T16:11:00.000+07:00

A slight modification of REM’s losing my religion – which I sometimes think I have lost several times in my life

If you really know me in person these days, you might be one of those persons who wonders “So what does she do anyway nowadays? What is her actual profession?”

I told my friend earlier today as I was sending her my notes on the religious discussion I attended: “I think I have lost my profession. I am not sure what it is anymore.”

Her answer could not have been better, “I thought your profession was (to be) “a happy person”. Stay “a happy person”-lah. It is the best profession in the world!”

She is right. I forgot. Thank you, Ta, for the reminder. A good friend.

I supposed Quraish Shihab was right when he said environment (friends) is the most important thing. It is my environment/friends who make me or break me, who has made me what I am today. Thank you, friends.

- Gee, this is so in line with your interpretation on my description of that box and stairs in the desert, Ta (This is another 'Ta’). Without the dates (kurma) tree, of course. I do believe it is the people around me that have made me what I am today. Spot on, girlfriend. -

A happy person

2006-10-07T05:10:00.000+07:00

I had the nicest introduction from a friend yesterday.

I went to her office and met some of her colleagues. “Eva,” she said, “this is so and so the managing director, this is so and so the account director and this is so and so who is a manager here.”

“And this is Eva,” she continued. “She used to work for such and such and such and such PR consultancies, and she is now..”

She paused for a bit before she added, “a happy person.”

We laughed. But I really like that. The only definition of me that she could come up with was ‘a happy person’. I like that. Thank you. I could not have said it better myself.

So sorry

2006-10-07T05:05:00.000+07:00

I had a dream two nights ago. A dream that set my mood yesterday – although nobody noticed (except the two friends whom I (always) confide in – my dear old personal ‘trash can’).

In the dream, I was having a good time. I chatted. I laughed. I remember feeling happy. Somebody hugged me from behind, as a friend. I thought it was that person whom I am quite close at the moment.

I continued being happy and having a goodtime. Until that person passed in front of me. So, I thought, who was it that has hugged me from behind?

I turned around. It was you. You looked sad. You are sad – in the dream and I know for certain in real life as well.

We used to be close friends. I used to be there for you and you for me. You are still there for me but I am not anymore. You are going through the toughest times of your life. You have told me your stories. Yet I have chosen not to be part of it. I have chosen to avoid being there for you.

I am so sorry. I am so selfish. I am so sorry. I woke up. The dream was a wake up call.

The following morning, I opened my computer and logged in to my yahoo account. First priority was to say hi to you. To ask how you are doing. Buzz.

You were unwell. You were restless. Your world has been turned upside down. And I chose not to be there for you. Hope it is not too late for me to once again be a friend to you.

Happy birthday

2006-10-05T00:12:00.000+07:00

To one of the most loving and lovable friends I know.
Wishing you the best God can ever give to you, or anyone. Always.

Pic: Those two personal angels of yours

Travel note: Umroh

2006-10-03T21:43:00.000+07:00

Last week I took a one-week trip to Mecca and Medinah in Saudi Arabia to do what the Moslem called Umroh. Coincidently, I went at the start of fasting month of Ramadhan. There are so many things I want to share with you, but I have to choose. Otherwise, I will bore you to death with the details.

The word “umroh” means “to enrich one’s soul”. Every single ritual we do during Umroh is full of symbols that lead to enriching our soul. So there I was. Trying to enrich my soul. To find the peace that is often lost in the midst of my everyday life. To rediscover my faith. To talk to God. To talk WITH God.

I brought my usual prayer book. But without meaning to be arrogant, I found that it was more suitable for me to just say what I want to say with no help from any book. Just say it with my own words, from the bottom of my heart, directly to Him, as frequently as I can.

The most solemn times were the middle of the nights where I walked around ka’bah by myself. I did not even have any specific prayer or wishes, except to communicate with God, to renew my promise to always be in His Godly environment, and if I may, to be one with God. I did not have a specific prayer. I did not have to. He knows.

And how I love being there during the fasting month of Ramadhan. You should see how packed the mosques were at any time of the day. You should see how people sitting side by side regardless of their socio-economic status or their origins.

You should see how people gather to break their fast, and they always bring more food than they need – to share with others. I came to the mosque with nothing but water and I ended up with a handful of dates, yogurt, Arabic coffee and a huge chunk of bread. How beautiful is the spirit of sharing. Love it to bits.

Of course, there are still a lot to be learned. I still need to find my balance. Compared to other people, I shopped less and I have very few interests in the city tours that we did or with the lengthened chitchat. I just wanted to focus on my prayers and invocations. I was worried whether my comfort with being alone with God was getting too far.

I also have lost my temper a couple of times. I still could not stand people being too laid back about schedule and appointments – I find it disrespectful to other people. I still could not hold myself from protesting of whatever I think is unfair or unprofessional (based on my perfectionist standard).

But all in all, it was truly a worthwhile experience. This was the third time I went to Mecca. This time it does feel different. A friend whom I met during the umroh asked whether I have found what I came for. I would gladly say yes. Now I need to keep my promise to God: to always be in His Godly environment.

Thank you God, for everything, for always. You are indeed very kind.

PS: I traveled with Quraish Shihab and took some short notes of his speech. Those of you who want to read the note, please e-mail me so that I can e-mail it to you.

Peace in Ramadhan: Animals know better

2006-09-21T23:28:00.001+07:00

(why the heck do I put two threads on Ramadhan anyway? Well first, I forgot where I had put the text for this thread. Second, because I want to. Third, because this is my blog and I can do whatever I want with it).

Why do I put pictures of animals for Ramadhan article, you ask. Here is the process. I was flipping through my pictures and promised myself to stop at the first pictures that reminds me of Ramadhan in a split second. When I saw these pictures, I immediately went "aaawwwwhhh", so sweet, so refreshing, so calm. peace. happy.

And that is what I hope Ramadhan may bring to me, to us all: peace and happiness. Within. An internal and internalized process to rejuvenate the soul, to create peace, to search for peace, to do peace. To be peace.

Enjoy a good Ramadhan. A peaceful one. Within.

I can hear my cat Miauw laughing and saying "hah, I told you so. And you thought you were the higher being."

Holy month, humble wishes

2006-09-21T23:09:00.000+07:00

It is that time of the lunar year again when all (well, ok, granted, not all) Moslems are fasting. A holy month when hundreds of years ago the Moslems believe the holy book has ‘descended’ to earth through the prophet Muhammad for the first time.

To all who observe the Ramadhan, may we gain much more than just hunger and thirst. In hunger and thirst, we remind ourselves of our brother and sisters who are not as fortunate as we are. In hunger and thirst, we remind ourselves of no reason to be proud. In hunger and thirst, we remind ourselves of God and of being god-like.

To all, I apologize for the wrongs that I might have thought, said or done. I apologize to you and I ask God for His forgiveness.

May we all – all of us, moslems and non-moslems -- be touched by the grandness, peace and love shared in this month. Be aware that God is within each and every one of us. And that ultimately, He is the only way to go, whichever our belief system is.

Return to the true meaning of Islam: a complete surrender to God. In peace. Happy Ramadhan, y'all!!

Still in the school of emotion

2006-09-18T23:28:00.000+07:00

I am in that mood again. One in which I do not feel like talking or chit chatting – imagine that, me not like talking. I would rather stay in my room with my notebook and its Internet connection. Lights off. With nobody around. With no music turned on.

Writing this. Or chatting with certain people – a selected bunch of people (if only they knew how selected they were). Look at me. Just after writing the previous article about perspective, I am writing this article.

The school of emotion. Very important. What a challenging task for a person as moody as I am. Obviously I have not graduated yet. Enough said.

Except to add: I am so looking forward to my next trip to Mecca. Miss You. Miss me. Miss Us. I should not have. I do not have any reason to because You are always with me, We are always together. But there You have it. In the school of emotion.

- Hi Floor, are you still breathing the environment as beautifully as you used to? -

I know you.. You are me!

2006-09-18T23:25:00.000+07:00

It has happened again. I have met me – or part of me. Well, people that reminds me of me. I understand them. I understand where they are coming from. And I see what I can become. I see what I could have become. Some were good, some – I am glad I decided not to be.

One asked how I could know her so well. I had a hard time answering that question at that time. It took me a while to say, to realize or to admit: “Because you are me. The decisions that you are making, I have made that as well and lived the consequences. The anxieties and hurt that you are feeling, I have felt that as well. But somewhere along the line, we have decided to take on different routes.”

I have said a lot to them. I have asked a lot of questions. I have given them many of my two-cent. The truth is, those will be the questions, the answers, and the advices that I would have given to myself as well. I was not only talking to them, I was talking to me.

Obviously I have not learned my lesson yet, because I am still telling me this. Because I am still experiencing this through my own experience or through meeting them. Because it still hurts even as I am writing this. I am not over that yet. I am still learning.

Another said: “You learn your lessons anywhere, everywhere. It is just a matter of how we see things.”

I keep saying thanks to various people from whom I have learned so much. And I will say it again: thank you. To my friends. To brothers and sisters. Mom and Dad - of course. To strangers. To God. From the bottom of my heart.

And I want to say thanks to two people in particular: Mbak Lita and Ong - of Maverick. Both of whom have been my supervisors. my mentors and my friends from Day One of my working years. I could not have survived this far without you both.

A matter of perspective

2006-09-18T23:16:00.000+07:00

If you are, ehm, an avid reader, then you know that I am a freelancer. Three months and counting, heyyyy, cool (me giving a pat on my own back).

The truth: I was worried for a while. The number in the account is going down. Damned, I think, I am not pulling my weight here. The old pal called anxiety strikes again. I had no clue what I would do next month. I have got to find another project.

I learned that there might be some delays in the payment from my recent project. Greeeaatt. (I was about to say shit, but, oops, ok, there I have said it). Should I make a case out of it? I decided not to.

Then, I thought, what the hell am I saying? (sorry for the choice of words in this article). I have chosen and still choose to be in this situation. I actually have enough to survive for quite some time. I am ok. I calmed down. I asked the Lord and myself for forgiveness. And I thank Him (or Her?). I feel grateful. Again.

Suddenly, I really did calm down. I am ok. I know it might sounds like a mumbo jumbo but after that things started to fall into places. Got some calls. Got some possibilities (some are sure deals). And I am ok.

I am telling you. It is a mind game. It is all a mind game. Or the trilogy of body-mind-soul game. Whatever you desire to be, you just be. And among the most powerful “being” is being grateful.

If you feel your life sucks, open your eyes and look around you. Look within and do some changes. Believe me, you would not want to change places with any other person. I know I would not.

Separations, divorces

2006-09-13T16:48:00.000+07:00

Sad but true. Every month or even week, I hear that someone is getting separated, divorced. Even some of my friends who are at the same age or even younger than I am.

They must have gone through quite an emotional roller coaster to come to such decision. Separations always leave deep scars, deeper than we realize or want to admit.

Sad but true. Or is it?

In my opinion, sometimes, most of the times, it is better that way. Some are naturally left with bitterness but they seem to be a better person after the separation.

Not that I am advising everybody to get divorced. I am sure they all saw it as a last resort. I do too. Nobody wants to get divorced. But a last resort is still an option that we can take once we see no better way to go about it.

There is a quote that I like from the book “Conversation with God”:
“If you both agree at a conscious level that the purpose of your relationship is to create opportunity, not an obligation – an opportunity for growth, for full self expression, for lifting your lives to their highest potential, for healing every false thought or small idea you ever had about you, and for ultimate reunion with Go through the communion of your two souls – if you take that vow instead of the vows you have been taking – the relationship has begun on a very good note. It is gotten off on the right foot. That is a very good beginning.”

When I read this, I thought, wow, now how many of us have thought about this as a purpose of our relationship? Have I myself ever thought of it this way, however sensible the statement seems to me?

And here the quote was just referring to starting a relationship – not even about maintaining it. A long journey that is worth taking, given the right purpose, the right partner and the right attitude.

(Friends, please take good care of your heart. We do a lot of ‘practical’ things to mend our lives from those relationships but often neglect our emotional state. And please do not see this as a ‘failure’. It takes guts and honesty to make such decision. Love you.)

A change of mind, a change of mine

2006-09-07T06:18:00.000+07:00

I have always thought of myself as an open-minded person. I also thought that I am a strong supporter of appreciating other people’s religion. I said that I respect all religions and (I thought) treat all religions with the same respect.

That was, until about two years ago, a dear friend, whom I somehow always think of as my big sister, asked me: “If your child tells you that he/she want to switch religion, will you accept it?” I told her, at that time: no. Does this imply that I do not treat all religions with the same respect? Does this mean I contradict myself?

A couple of days ago, I SMS-ed her. I reminded her of her question. I reminded her what my answer was. And I said: I would like to change my answer. I am ready to change my answer.

Her response was so touching for me. Loosely and partly translated: Now you understand that the task of the parents is only to open the way – to initiate the child to start seeing, to start walking. The (end) decision is really up to the individual.

Thanks, sis. Sorry it took so long for me to learn it.

The richest people in the world

2006-09-07T06:16:00.000+07:00

I was listening to Quraish Shihab, an Indonesian Moslem preacher, the other day. He talked about fasting and the beautiful names of God.

He said that during the fast, Moslems try to mimic God’s characters. One in particular that he mentioned was, in Arabic, Al ghani al mughni – The Rich The Enriching One.

What interested me most was when he referred Al Ghazali and said that the definition of rich here does not refer to having the most money in the world. Rich here is the feeling that we do not need anything more.

In Ghazali’s exact term (as exact as translation may be): the really rich (man) is the one who does not need anyone at all. The one who has no need for anything except God Most High.

This may be way out of our league, so I shall settle with the definition of feeling fulfilled, feeling grateful of what we have. It is all in the state of mind (or rather, heart). And it does not stop there. Now that we have enough, it is time to share and to give.

A person who feels that he/she is fulfilled and thus start giving continuously – Does that not sound like the richest people in the world to you?

So vain

2006-08-30T22:15:00.000+07:00

This thought has actually crossed my mind several times. I only decide to write it now though. Finally. A hard headed high pride person such as I – you have got to hit my head more than once for me to get what you are saying. Or rather, to accept it.

First occurrence.

Meeting a new friend, a fellow traveler who has traveled longer than I am. She gave me her e-mail and blog address. I could not refrain from giving her mine.

Hers was simpler – a smart playful modification of her name. Mine was and still is “a pilgrim for life”. I felt embarrassed as I was writing it. It crossed my mind whether mine should have been humbler, simpler, and neutral. Who am I to claim that I am a pilgrim for life or even to proclaim and to announce it to the world? Show off! But time passed by. I let it pass.

Second occurrence.

A comment from stranger in the blog. He (I presume it was a he) left a link to his blog. I clicked the link and found that his was even more amazing than my first story – he did not even reveal his identity. He has poured all those great thoughts in his blog yet managed to stay anonymous. He seems to understand very well that it is the writings, the messages that are important whereas the writer can stay at the back seat or out of the car at all. I felt more embarrassed.

I thought about changing the name of the blog. But at the end I decided that I would keep the name, at least for the time being. To remind me of how vain I am. To remind me I still have a lot of pride in me. I still have a long way to go.

I traveled back in time and re-read a passage that was sent to me once by another friend. She said: “The process of self purification (nafí) continues side-by-side with everyday responsibilities, rather than as with some traditions (tariqah), whose practices often constitute no more than removal from one cultural context to another."

The passage continued, "A change in outward form does not necessarily mean inner change, so unless there is a specific reason for doing so, the public wearing of distinctive clothes, the eating of special foods, or adoption of alien customs, is avoided."

She added that this is one way which genuine Sufi groups can be marked out from pseudo-ones, who show by their desire to stand out from the crowd, an attachment to ego, rather than a lack of it.

Agree. Yet here I am still using huge name such as "a pilgrim for life" for my blog. Geez. Talk about standing out from the crowd. Oh well.

Thank you, friends. Thank you, strangers.

Showing my color

2006-08-18T05:47:00.000+07:00

Proudly wearing my nationality on my sleeve :) The flag of Indonesia. Celebrating the 61st anniversary of its independence. The rest of my comment, see this.

Hi, how are you?

2006-08-18T04:30:00.000+07:00

I wrote in my yahoo messenger to a friend, trying to make a conversation. She did not reply. Apparently it was a ‘zombie’ – where the user seems online but he or she is not.

Oh well. Then the next morning she buzzed me. What’s up, she asked. Nothing, I said, just wanted to know how you were. Does anything have to be up? I did not know that I need a reason to call a friend other than just want to know how he or she is.

The previous time was even worse. When I called up another friend to say hi, she asked how she could help me. She said in this modern world, when people called up other people, where was always something. People are just too busy to call for a chat and nothing else.

Sad but there is some truth in it. This so-called modern society has gotten into a strictly business stop-wasting-my-time-if-you-have-nothing-to-say mode, full of vested interest. Ck, no, I should not be this skeptic.

A reminder of how all great leaders of religions have always advised the importance of maintaining bonds among friends and neighbors, of the beauty of smile and of the simple gesture of greetings.

Can we do that? Smile to other people. Say hi to friends. Greet the janitors or security guards or whomever you pass by. Say thank you for every little favor a person has done for us. Can we?

- Aah, this reminds me of your Smile campaign, Ai :) -

The mouse is in the house!

2006-08-18T04:13:00.000+07:00

Literally. Even ‘worse’, there was a mouse in my room last night. Yuck, you say. Yeah, part of the consequence of living in a tropical country, having your room next to a garden, and opening your window at night.

I could not sleep. The thought of there was a mouse that might suddenly jump over me did bother me. Then my mind started to wonder.

I was thinking what if the mouse gets into my open suitcase – which was just lying on the floor half-packed for tomorrow. Perhaps I should zip it. Then I thought well, on the other side of the room lied my mom’s suitcase. Will it be too selfish of me to just zip my suitcase only and not hers?

The mind shifted to dear old Mom. I recited a prayer for her. And Dad.

My thoughts then went to the people who had to live with mouse etc in their houses – perhaps those who live in the refugee camps or slump areas. Mouse bites are very dangerous to children yet they can do very little about it.

I started to do my invocation (or dzikr in Arabic).

Poor little mouse, I thought. It was just trying to find its way out of my room. It too was afraid of the situation and perhaps was panicking. It did not mean any harm. We are all just trying to survive and live our lives.

I was calming down. I continued my invocation. The mouse found its way out of the room through the same window it went in from. My room was once again in total silence. My mind was at peace.

It is amazing what thoughts a little mouse can trigger. Perhaps God was running out of options on how to wake me up in the middle of the night for a chat.

Family death

2006-08-13T22:21:00.000+07:00

In this last two weeks, I have attended two funerals. Two uncles of mine have passed away, one of lung cancer and the other of diabetes. May they rest in peace. Kind people.

In addition to feeling sad, I am always amazed how funerals can get all the family, relatives and friends together. They always manage to work hand in hand to ensure that the deceased has a proper burial. In less than 24 hours, we get all things done – efficiently and solemnly. Why cannot we do the same for other family get-together events such as weddings or birthdays?

They said attending funerals is one way to remind us of our own death. Imagine how we feel when we see our own body lies there. Imagine how we feel when they put our body into the coffin. Imagine how we feel to see our loved ones cried over us. Imagine the kind of things that we have not done or said to our family. Imagine what will happen after the burial has finished and we are left alone. What will happen after that?

To me, funerals always reminds me of my late father. It reminds me of how I too will part with my own immediate family, sooner or later - not sure whether it will be sooner or later, unsure whether I will go first or last. It makes me think –

Death also brings about many questions. Have I done all the things that I want to do or is there still anything that I will regret the day I die? Have I lived the way I am supposed to live? What will happen after we die? Will we go to heaven or hell? Is there heaven or hell? Will we reincarnate or is this the only life we have? Can the dead really visit the living? Will we meet those who have died earlier? Will we see the angels and the Big Guy?

My late uncles were good people. May they rest in peace. May we all have peace, even before we die.

Two more questions: Are we ready to die now? Why are people so afraid of dying?

What's God?

2006-07-27T15:45:00.000+07:00

Several months ago, a friend and I were having a conversation - you know, the usual conversation about spirituality, religion, God, etc. Suddenly my friend asked, "What's God?". I was struck dumb for a second. Then I said, "To explain God with words will be to undermine Him.".

I don't know why I answered the question that way. It came out, just like that.

It was several months ago but if you ask me again that very question, I will stand by my previous answer: "To explain the very definition of God with words will be to undermine Him."

A determined soul

2006-07-26T14:42:00.000+07:00

I have just expressed my admiration to the Ehret High School Basketball team, which has just won an ESPY awards, in my other blog Chipping in.

Their effort reminded me of a Poem by Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1850-1919), an American poet, writer and, as her admirers put it, a free thinker. The Poem titled "Will" goes like this:

There is no chance, no destiny, no fate
Can circumvent, or hinder, or control
The firm resolve of a determined soul.

Gifts count for nothing; will alone is great;

All things give way before it soon or late.
What obstacle can stay the mighty force
Of the sea-seeking river in its course,

Or cause the ascending orb of day to wait?
Each well-born soul must win what it deserves.

Let the fool prate of luck. The fortunate
Is he whose earnest purpose never swerves,
Whose slightest action or inaction serves
The one great aim.

Why, even Death stands still
And waits an hour sometimes for such a will.

Beautiful people

2006-07-19T06:05:00.000+07:00

My uncle has been hospitalized for the last month. He is divorced and he lives with his small kids from his second marriage. So he is very independent in taking care of himself and the kids on a daily basis – which is a challenge when he is in hospital. Then along came these wonderful people:

His daughter from his first marriage – adding her father to a million errands that are already on her list.

His sister (a.k.a my aunt) – all the way from another city. She goes back and forth to take care of him.

His nephew (a.k.a my cousin) – He is a doctor who specializes in public health. A truly social person. He often has to fly in and out of Jakarta to help people in need (and believe me, there are a lot in Indonesia). When he is in Jakarta, he visits my uncle and tends to his needs. When he is about to leave town, he calls my mom or brother to make sure that everything will be taken care of. He visits the hospital the day he returns to Jakarta.

His sister in law (a.k.a. my dear mom) – Honestly, she is an amazing woman. She takes care of a lot of things. She takes in the small children. She visits or sends someone to visit him everyday. She thinks about his needs – medicine, clean clothes, milk, etc.

His nieces and nephews (a.k.a my brothers and sisters) – I think it is more because we cannot let Mom be in this alone. But it ends well – they lend a hand whenever it is needed, especially whenever it gets too much for Mom.

I will not hide the fact that there are a lot of unnecessary complications and hesitant people during this process. But I decided to focus on the beautiful people I have mentioned above.

As long as there are these beautiful people in this world, there is hope.

Sub blog: Chipping in

2006-07-18T19:55:00.000+07:00

I have decided to make another blog, well one type of blog in two versions: the English and Indonesian site of Chipping In.

This is how I want to divide my writings (I did wonder whether you really care enough to read this, but what the heck, it is my blog)

The pilgrim for life – This one. The usual stuffs. Whatever comes to mind that I want to share with you. Very personal. The results of some of the everyday struggle of my poor overworked brain and heart. The kind of things that might make people wonder, “Why do you complicate your life with such thoughts and wonders?” or “Why do you need to question every single thing in life?”. Happened before.

Chipping in – A more practical site. (My definition of practical). All the incidents (or catastrophes), ideas and actions that grab my attention or cross my mind and support the idea of making the world a better place. (Sorry to be a bit idealistic. Um, on second thought, no, I am not so sorry.) Mind you, I might focus on my own country Indonesia.

This will also include all the actions that either high profile people or everyday heroes do that strike me as extraordinary – positively and negatively speaking.

I will put my own raw thoughts that might need some more cooking – and here is where I would appreciate any of you to chip in.

Seuluran tangan - The Indonesian version of chipping in. I could not make up my mind whether I should write in Indonesian or English. So I just do both. And I still do not know how to make categories in a blog. So I make to separate ones.

My Nepal and Tibet trip – obvious. Need I say more?

Thanks for visiting, for reading and especially for caring.

Another precious moment

2006-07-18T19:40:00.000+07:00

A different interpretation of "precious moment" in my book: the time I spend with my beloved family.

A Kodak moment, you might say. Taken last weekend at Puncak Pass resort, West Java.

Precious moments

2006-07-18T16:07:00.000+07:00

I have just realized something
I cannot remember when was the last time we spoke with each other
I miss that. Precious moments

Those nights
In the early hours
When there were just the two of us and nobody else
Precious moments. I miss that

Those nights
When I told you whatever was on my mind
When you showered me with all the love and wisdom
There were no more secrets. Only simple peace

There were a lot of words and silence
Occasional smiles and tears
Pure love and hurts
How can the twos be put side by side?

It does not seem fair, I know
I do all the taking while you do all the giving
Yet you never seem to mind
You just keep on giving. And loving
Can I ever be like you?
Can I be you? Or is this a statement too bold to make?

Those nights
When I could really feel you beside me
I was about to say 'in me'
but people might misunderstood our relationship

But 'within me' is actually the more correct term
You were closer than my own veins
As you promised in one of your letters
Precious moments. I miss that

I wondered why I felt so restless
Where was the peace that I thought I have found once?
I have my friends and family around me
I am at home. I have all the things that might make people envious
I am lucky, I am fully aware of that. And I am grateful for that
Yet I felt heavy inside – I am confused

I wanted to blame the chaotic environment around me
But I know I could not
If there is somebody to blame, it would be me

Even then you would say there is nobody to blame
It is a process I have to go through
To realize that there is no higher love than yours
To know there is nowhere I would rather be than to be with you
Only by remembering you, that I can feel peace

I know I should not just count on only those nights
I should be able to feel that peace each second of my life
As I know you are there every step of the way
I am not there yet, it is a process I need to go through
For the time being, I will hold on to those nights

But those nights were a long time ago
Those nights when we had our long conversation
In the early hours
Just the two of us

I want to feel that intimacy again
When I can share whatever is on my mind
When you shower me with all the love and wisdom

When there are no more secrets, no more pride
Pure honesty, pure love, and hurts
Precious moments. I miss that.

I have so many things to share with you
Perhaps we should meet. Tonight?

A message from the water

2006-06-26T18:56:00.000+07:00

I went to a seminar on the true power of (hexagonal) water. The seminar discussed about the hexagonal water crystal based on the research of Doctor Masaru Emoto and how simple words or wishes can change the structure of water. Hexagonal is supposed to be the most useful or absorbable structure of water for human body. (Do forgive me if I make any technical mistakes).

Emoto-san, which was the main speaker in the seminar, showed all sorts of shapes of water crystals that had been labeled or called by positive and negative names. The word vibrates and affects the water. It changed the water structure one molecule at a time. The water affects whatever is around it. The domino effect does its thing again. All positive words have created beautiful hexagonal crystal that keeps growing. It was amazing.

Whether you believe it or not, it is entirely up to you. But let us say it is true. If small things like labeling or calling something can change the structure of the water, imagine what happens to us and to our body when somebody call us with bad names - bearing in mind that at least 70% of our body consists of water (baby 98%, children 80%). What will happen if we keep on saying bad things - to others and to ourselves? We are destroying our own selves. Vice versa, if we say good things.

To me, the seminar serves at least as a reminder of how even the smallest things can make or break someone – our friends, our family, our partner, our children, ourselves. It was a good reminder.

So I supposed what the Professor was saying was correct. He cleverly titled his presentation “A message from the water”. It was an important message indeed: one that advises us to love others and ourselves through simple means of positive thoughts, words and attitudes. Thank you.

PS: Warmest regards to all my new friends whom I met in the seminar. You do not realize how meeting you has reminded me how ‘green’ I am in the field of seeking oneself, how I have yet so much to learn, and how I am nothing compared to other people. I have nothing to be proud of. I have everything to feel blessed for.

Happy birthday, pop

2006-06-22T05:38:00.000+07:00

Happy birthday to my father. Well, my late father, but one whom I still hold so dearly in my heart and will always do until foverever. (question: does it still make sense to say happy birthday to someone who has passed away?)

If you are reading this, pop, I want you to know that we are all doing fine here. You need not worry about anything.

If you are reading this, I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. God bless.

Ma’s business card

2006-06-21T20:34:00.000+07:00

The late Mother Teresa used to hand out prayer cards, which she referred to as her “business cards”. On them were printed the words:

The fruit of silence is prayer
The fruit of prayer is faith
The fruit of faith is love
The fruit of love is service
The fruit of service is peace.

“This is good business.” She liked to tell people as she dispensed them.

- Taken from Kathryn Spink’s book titled “Mother Teresa” -

Note: It is amazing how one's love to God can lead to such relentless effort, undying peace and unconditional devotion.

I wonder what He has in store for me

2006-06-21T00:46:00.000+07:00

Ever wonder what God has in store for you? I have. I am right now.

It has been almost three weeks since I have returned in Jakarta. Time sure flies. Life has been going pretty strange. This is what I have done: I have met quite a number of people. I have heard many updates from my friends about their life and 'challenges'. I have been spending time with my family. I have renewed my driving license. I went to the bank to get a new PIN number. I have written one proposal and one brochure. I am about to attend two sessions on healing and on spiritualism. I have been learning more about healing. I have been going out of town with my family to take care of family issues. Not bad for a first month back from sabbatical.

This is what I have not done. I have not made up my mind on what specifically I want to focus on – career-wise – in my life. I have not made any plan for my freelancing career. I have not completely unpacked my suitcase yet. I have not secured any project (and thus, income) for me for the next months. I have not returned to any particular routine. I have not done much exercise and yoga. I have not read as much as I used to back in Spain.

My life is so unorganized and unclear, yet I feel fine. This is so untypical of me. Which makes me wonder why He has led me to this path. I wonder, but I do not mind at all. To put it strangely, the only thing I worry about is probably the fact that I am not worried.

A friend of mine questioned why I needed to go so far for so long just to learn the obviously simple lesson that she had known all along: that we should just let life flows, that we should not think too much about too many things, and that we should enjoy things as they come. Lucky her. Stupid me.

Unfortunately, some of us need to travel a longer route to realize that. I am still traveling my road. I have not got there yet but I am getting there. Lucky me. Thanks, God. Owe you one (more).

Why the hell did you return anyway?

2006-06-13T22:44:00.000+07:00

If you are not an Indonesian or you have never lived in Indonesia, I am pretty sure that you have heard about the condition of the country. Thanks to the International media and the multimedia/Internet technology. If you are an avid CNN viewer, then you might have a pretty strong view of Indonesia and probably pity those who 'are forced' to live there.

If you are an Indonesian or you happen to have the opportunity to live here, well, I need not say more about the country.

So that very question came from several dear friends of mine and my own sister: why do you want to return to Indonesia anyway when you have the option to live abroad? My answer - and I shall put it in bold: because I want to somehow help develop my country.

Cliché. Idealistic. Dreamer. Unrealistic. A big joke. Still, the answer came from the very bottom of my heart. So help me God.

PS: If anyone has a constructive concrete suggestion on how to do it, I am listening.

Freelancing! Freedom! And then what?

2006-06-13T22:23:00.000+07:00

It is official. I have resigned from my full time position in my company, Maverick. It has nothing to do with the company. I love it to bits, I love my bosses, and I love my colleagues. I just want to have more room to decide what I want to do and what I want to focus on.

I am entering a new phase on my career. I am giving freelancing a try. I am free! (Call if you need a PR person - wink wink)

I was so confident of myself. I still am. Nevertheless, yesterday I was reading a book titled Working from Home and it dawned to me: I do not have anybody else to hang on to but myself. I do not have a corporate regiment that I can follow. I need to manage myself. I need to control my mood more. I need to think of my income target. I need to have a plan.

My high-geared brain is doing its thing again, fueling the worries within. I wonder how far I should plan and how far I should just let life flows – where do I need to draw the line between them? See how complicated my brain works? Maybe my friend was right. I do think too much. I can feel God smiling at me and saying 'gotcha'.

I suppose freedom has its price to pay. Just like money, power and everything else, freedom is not and should not be an end. We cannot make freedom our objective. It is a means to an end.

The more important question now is: what will I do with my freedom? A question unanswered. Without trying to sound arrogant, sometimes I feel that I am blessed with having too many options or ideas. It is a luxury, I know, but is still a challenge for me. I need to decide on what I want to focus on and to prioritize things. Otherwise, I will soon be tired once again.

So let’s do it one step at a time, shall we? For now, I am entering a new phase on my career. I am giving freelancing a try. (Call if you need a PR person - wink wink)

Happy birthday to a friend

2006-06-09T17:00:00.000+07:00

… a dear friend, a beautiful person.

I know you like this song. This is the only song that I have ever heard you sing along to.

Losing my religion
by: REM

Life is bigger
It’s bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I’ve said too much
I set it up

That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don’t know if I can do it
Oh no I’ve said too much
I haven’t said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I’m
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no I’ve said too much
I set it up

Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I’ve said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

Have a peaceful birthday - full of simple happiness and love. If only you realized how precious, gifted and blessed you really are. Take care.

Home at last – thank you, Spain

2006-06-02T21:49:00.000+07:00

I am home at last in Jakarta.

When my aircraft was taking off from Madrid airport, my sister asked whether I wanted to say goodbye to Spain. I said no because I am returning here someday. After a short pause, I added, “but I do want to say ‘thank you’ to Spain. Thanks for all the experience and lessons.” Not goodbye, but thank you.

The journey home itself was incredibly smooth. All the problems that I had projected did not turned into reality (fortunately) - the carrying of the luggage from the hotel to the car, the car itself, the check in process, the overload baggage and the complication with the immigration as well as the tax refund office.

I got teased a bit (by God, who else) though when my flight MAD-BKK was delayed. We did not know whether we would be able to make it for our connecting flight. We did at last but barely. We were among the last passengers to board the aircraft and it was already a last call. It was too close for my liking. I was about to lose my temper but then I managed to return to my “oh well” state. A taste of what is to come.

Then home at last. My brothers, sister, nieces, nephews, etc welcomed us home – not sure whether my nieces and nephews were more excited about us going home or about getting their presents. They made a banner for my sis (their mom) “welcome mommy”. They quarrel about who gets the best present. Jakarta is still with its traffic jam and lack of discipline among the drivers. My cat is still as fat and lazy as ever. There was a lot of interchange of SMS with friends. I started to work out whom I should meet and when. Nothing has changed much. It feels like the home that I know.

Spain was a training ground for me. It was a bit like – but on a much smaller and insignificant scale – a hermit monk in his monastery. Now it is time to practice what I have learned so far.

There was no goodbye to Spain. Only thank you.

PS: book read during the journey home: The pilgrimage by Paul Coelho. Recommended.

Andalusia, Catalonia and the Basque Country

2006-05-23T17:00:00.000+07:00

It has just occurred to me that I have chosen the most interesting places in Spain to visit, with all due respect to the other regions. I went to Andalusia, Catalonia, the Basque Country and Madrid.

Madrid of course, is the capital of Spain. Enough said.

Andalusia, Seville in particular, has practically been my home in Spain. I met most of my closed friends there. I spent enough time there to have a strong emotional link with the region. The beauty of the region, the festive atmosphere, the passion, the informality, the familiarity and warmth of the people (plus the extreme cold (with few proper heating) and the extreme heat even in Spring (sigh)) will be in my heart forever. It was a perfect place for me to loosen up and to get more relaxed about life (my boss would love reading this).

Catalonia and the Basque country have been... – how do I say this without being too political and without touching the sensitive issue? Impossible. Ok, Catalonia and Basque are the two regions in Spain who have openly been stating that they want more independence. Sounds familiar if I tie it back to Indonesia. Yet I was there in both regions and I loved the place. The people, the scenery and the atmosphere were just as welcoming and glorious as any other places.

I wonder why I had the urge to go to those regions. There has to be a lesson in tact. The only thing I can think of is that I should be able to draw a parallel line with what has happened in my country and its restless regions. The people and the region are just as beautiful as any other regions. Nobody wants war or problems. If only we try to understand each other better, if only we can find a way to solve the problem and live peacefully hand in hand.

[Many stories. This is what happens if I am allowed too much free time while, for instance, waiting for my mom and sis to arrive]

PS: Just incase you want to travel to San Sebastian, the Basque Country, the Pension that I stayed in is to die for. It is called Pension Amaiur.

Adios to the Lonely Planet

2006-05-23T16:59:00.000+07:00

Today I said goodbye to my travel bible, Lonely Planet (LP) for Spain. I have left it (not deliberately of course) at the Madrid Airport.

What a timing, though. Having spent almost the whole six months together, he (book is masculine in Spanish) has decided that it is time to part with me.

Perhaps he thinks I am a big girl now. That I can go about on my own. Or he thought that I would not need him any longer and he would only be an extra burden in my over-packed luggage (oh that is where you are wrong, LP – sorry, yes, I do talk to non-humans – animals, book, car, and stuffed animals)

Hope he will find a new travel companion and will be just as helpful as he was to me. Snif.

More on the visa extension

2006-05-23T16:57:00.000+07:00

Additional note to the story regarding the extension of my visa.
(Written at the Barcelona Airport, 23 May 2006, 11.00am)

I have been traveling a lot lately within Spain and the statement that I will not get into trouble with the airport’s immigration has turned out to be an understatement.

Let us just say that I have had more opportunities (1) to practice my Spanish with the immigration officers on more than one (or a thousand) occasion(s). (2) to keep smiling and being calm despite of the situation (3) to still get away with it! Hey hey, woo hoo! Looks like I am really a “Spanish” now.

The immigration officer in the Barcelona airport earlier today told me that it turned out that I do have my residential card in Seville, despite the fact that I have told them I have moved to Barcelona. Life would have been much easier if I had known that before.

I can hear my heart saying “I told you that you should have tried your luck going to the foreigner office again when you returned to Seville”. (She did actually, I just did not listen and went about doing other things). All the should-have, would-have, could-have – which has always been among my least favorite terms in the world.

No matter. Not important. I can get away with it :) And I am about to meet my beloved mom and sis in an hour. The thing with the immigration – so not important now.

PS: I still have two phases to go though: from Barcelona to Madrid, and Madrid to home. We shall see what will happen then.

Beware of Rattlesnakes

2006-05-23T16:55:00.000+07:00

My friend forwarded this official internal e-mail from his company. Just to show me how interesting life can be at his office.

SVLers,

Please keep your eyes open these days as you walk around the site, especially the more rural areas - like the par course - as this is the time of season when we tend to see more rattlesnakes around the site grounds.

Fortunately, rattlesnakes try to avoid people. However, sometimes people get in the rattlesnake's way and the snake's reflex is to warn with the trademark rattle and sometimes strike. You should always give snakes the right of way.

Trying to determine if a snake is a rattlesnake is not always the best solution. (Eva - I love this part best :)) Baby rattlesnakes often have not developed their rattles yet; and baby rattlesnakes are also not in control of the amount of venom they release, thereby making their bites much more dangerous.

Encounters: If you encounter a rattlesnake on site, please call Security at (this number – deleted).

Bites: If you are bit by a rattlesnake onsite, please call the Emergency number at (this number – deleted).

Nice, uh? Take care, pal.

Appreciation and pride

2006-05-23T16:51:00.000+07:00

A small and rather ridiculous example – but it is true, which makes it even more ridiculous. I was made the Indonesian blogger of the week by A Fatih Syuhud. Thanks. It feels nice to be appreciated and acknowledged. I feel, well, proud.

Then I thought, my God, if this ‘small’ thing can make me feel proud (with all due respect to Fatih and his much appreciated blogger of the week column), no wonder I have not won any Academy awards or Noble prize yet. I do not think I can handle it just yet – not to mention I have not done anything to deserve them but that ‘small detail’ is beside the point.

I cannot imagine how those people must have felt – either indifferent because of their humbleness or their ego has blown up bigger than the world plus heaven and hell combined together.

Someone (I think it was the Prophet) said that praises and appreciation is a double edge sword that can be much more lethal than criticism and hurt. With criticism and hurt, it is ‘easier’ to feel humble, to feel small and to remind ourselves of the greatness of God – you know, when people are in a deep sh*t, there is a good chance they go to God to ask for guidance and strength.

But not many remember God and ask for His guidance when all goes well, when they are successful, and when all works the way they want it to be. At these, times, we would say, “Yeah, that is me, all me, nothing but me.”

What a deceitful and dangerous place to be. Forgive me Lord. All praises should go only to You and nobody, or even nothing, else.

Mom, I am coming home

2006-05-19T04:27:00.000+07:00

Saving the best for last. One ultimate thought before I leave Spain. Just want to say this. I am coming home.

- Always mom’s and daddy’s little girl –

That other lesson I have learned

2006-05-12T14:23:00.000+07:00

That is the lesson of life. I cannot begin to tell you how well worth the trip to Spain have been for me spiritually. I hope I am not being vain but I do believe God has blessed me with the time for myself to rethink of my life, to rediscover myself and more importantly, to discover Him.

I am a lot more in peace with myself. I have learned to accept myself more. I have traced-back my life. I have learned to accept, to forgive and to learn what I need to learn from my personality and my life.

I believe that we are living a “parallel” life in a sense.

On one hand, I have my personal ‘mission’. I want to understand life. I want to know what my purpose is. I want to always walk towards Him– the true meaning of Islam – to completely surrender to God. I will continue searching and learning. My objective is God – not out of fear of being punished in hell, not even for heaven, but for He Himself.

On the other hand, this does not mean I will live life as a hermit. I have my life to live. I love my work – public relations. I will continue to work on it professionally and sometimes personally for friends. I will continue to be a friend to my friends, a sister to my brothers and sisters, a daughter to my parents and all of those roles I have in my life. I might even continue to be a b*tch to some (There, Dit, I have said it. Happy?).

To me, to walk in the path of God is to live a life of compassion, of helping other people, or of seeing this world as one, while maintaining our focus on and only on God. My pursuit of God can and will go hand in hand with my ‘normal’ life. The essence of Sufism.

You see, there is more to Islam than just prayers, fasting and whispering the name of Lord with our lips. Religion is just a guideline along with some examples to reach a higher purpose. We need to know the story behind it, need to read between the lines and feel it with our hearts. We need to go beyond believing, to even go beyond knowing, and to actually experience it.

Until we have grabbed the essence and implemented the true meaning of what has been written in the Book, it is just lip service and we have not really practiced the religion.

Unfortunately my experience in the last couple of weeks have reminded me that I have yet a long way to go. My mood still swings from east to west as always. Small unimportant things still bother me. I still want, desire and expect too much. I still have a long way to go. But I am trying to improve myself each day - so help me God.

I am speaking of Islam because it is my way of life. But I think it applies to all religions. Please see the term religion in its widest sense possible, that is – according to my beloved online dictionary of Merriam-Webster – “a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith”. Whatever cause, whatever principle we hold so dear within us that governs our lives, that is our religion.

What a lesson I have been blessed with under the Spanish sun. Now one class is over. On to the next class and back to my old school: Indonesia.

On questions about boyfriends

2006-05-12T03:55:00.001+07:00

To the thousands of people (well ok, not that many, but you know what I mean) who have persistently and relentlessly been asking me whether I have found myself a Spanish man, I will bluntly answer: no, at least not that I know of.

“In the middle of all those Spanish guys? Impossible that you have not encountered one.” It depends on what your criteria of a boyfriend are. Mine is not limited to just physical appearance – or as the Spanish say, that body of the firemen. Yum ;)

“Oh well, you are too picky.” Not sure about that. Well, yes, maybe, please allow me to do so. I want it to be once in a lifetime.

“Oh you have not opened your eyes enough.” A bit wider then how they are now, then everybody will think I am a sl*t.

“Oh you are too focus on your career.” Hello, I have not been working for almost one year. I have spent this last year for travelling and doing a lot of things but working. What career?

“Oh you want too much in life.” Don’t we all? You are just jealous ;)

Seriously, this is what I believe. I believe what is mine is mine. If I continue to walk His way, all others will come to me at their own time, and not the other way around.

In the meantime, I will use whatever is left of my lifetime to give my best to life, to God and to other people who cross path with me.

But thank you for your concerns. Pray for me as I shall pray for you that God will give what is best for us, according to His standard. He knows best.

Hm, I think these are the bluntest words I have ever said about me finding a boyfriend.

So you want to study Spanish in Spain?

2006-05-12T03:23:00.000+07:00

Woo-hoo! Twenty-four weeks of studying Spanish have passed. Though I must admit that it has been a bit of a stretch for me, I do not regret it one bit. It has been a once in a lifetime precious experience for me. I still have about two weeks left in Spain but I will mostly be travelling. Not sure if I will access Internet during those times (yeah, right).

Anyway, if you want to put yourself in a similar boat of travelling to Spain and learning Spanish, here are some tips:

Pick the time. I personally like May – not too cold, not too warm.

Learn it all the way, if you can. Stay several months and get into the language and the culture.

Those who cannot stay that long, better learn something first in your own country and use your time in Spain to practice it.

If you do stay for several months, break your study into several phases and in between have a ‘travelling-only’ break.

Try different cities. Depending on what you want. I prefer to stay in one city for at least two months. Browse the Internet and pick yours.

Practice your Spanish. Of course, you say. But you would be surprise how many students do not speak Spanish outside of the class. So speak it, even to your English-speaking friends.

Do the tourist bits first. Do not leave it until the last minute (like me)

Ensure you have the proper visa. If you need to extend, do it as soon as you can and put the school adress instead of your flat. Long story.

Get yourself in touch with the locals. For instance, take a dance class outside of school with the locals (me, I took flamenco and yoga), get a job in a bar or horse stable (like my friend)

If you like a bit more 'challenge' than ordinary people (like me), take the DELE exam – is the only formal certificate of the language by the Spanish government

Discover yourself. It is a rare opportunity for us to be out of our ‘natural environment’. Learn something about yourself. Take time for yourself. For once, get to know yourself.

Be yourself. If you like partying, party on (keep a close watch on your money - it goes down pretty fast sometimes). If you like travelling, plenty of chance here. If you like to stay in the city and be alone, it is ok as well. Darling, you are in Spain. You can do what you want to do and you can be whoever you want to be.

Above all, enjoy your time. You will love Spain and the Spanish, I promise.

Pues, nada mas. Vuelvo a mi pais. Me alegre poder hablar Español (aunque no perfectamente) despues de estar aquí seis meses. Hasta siempre, España. Muchas gracias por todo. Era una experiencia inolvidable. Siempre te recordaré. Siempre te querré.

(That is it. I am returning to my country. I am happy to be able to speak Spanish (though not perfectly) after staying here for six months. Until later, Spain. Thanks for everything. It has been an unforgetable experience. I will always remember you. I will always love you.)

Ps: A bit of advertisement for my school Don Quijote, which is not bad at all. Recommended :), except for the taxi pickup reservation service – be a bit adventurous and grab yourself a cab or a bus when you have arrived at your city.

A dream of a better future - III

2006-05-11T03:50:00.000+07:00

On my way home I could not stop thinking about this. Such an ignorant person I have been, living in the lap of luxury but still not giving not even a single cent to those children.

What good will this comfort of mine do if there are people or children around me – including the children of my maids and driver – have to drop out of school because their parents do not have enough money? What good is all these blessings that God has given to me – money, knowledge, experience, talent, social network – if I do not use them to help others, to help those who are not as ‘lucky’ as I am?

Another thing that was stuck in my mind is our tendency to stay in our current situation (people often blame it on ‘destiny'). It is a disease to us all. We busy ourselves with small things in life, we complain about many things in life but then we say “well, this is who I am, this is my condition, nothing I can do about it, it will not change that much.” My comment: Oh, I beg to differ. Stop whining and start doing something about it.

My friend kept telling me about her dreams. “Imagine if we can develop this system in our society. If we can apply this to many schools in many locations. The future generation will be much better than us.”

There are still a lot to be done. But at least that friend of mine has started to think that there is no use just blaming other people – be it the government, the senate, the rich business people, the NGOs -, while we ourselves have not done anything much. It is time to ask ourselves “Have I done anything? Is this the best I can do or can I go further? What else can I help with?"

The system and management of my friend’s organization is far from perfect. But I can also, vividly, see the happiness in the eyes of the children. She has helped bring that happiness in their eyes. I truly appreciate and respect her idea and passion. I am certain that her dream will one day turn into reality.

I would love to be part of that effort to turn the dream into reality. To be involved in the process, to make myself more useful and meaningful. Perhaps this is my way of answering the big questions of “So why am I put here in the face of the earth? For what purpose? Is this the best I can give to life? There must be more to life than this. If so, what's more?” Sorry if I am being a bit philosophical.

What is even better is the fact that she and her husband are successful business people. They have the capital (financial and non-financial) to do something for the community. A perfect balance. A true application of what Islam called – to belief in God and to do good for others. If only there are more people like my friend. Proficiat.

A dream of a better future - II

2006-05-11T03:45:00.000+07:00

We arrived there at noon. The ‘class’ started at 1pm but there were already two girls there. One of the facilitators told me, “They cannot continue their education to junior high. The minimum entrance fee is Rp750,000 (USD75 - which is probably more than the monthly salary of the parents). How can their parents pay such amount of money?”. It was so sad. I cannot imagine me being a parent and needing to say to my child, “I am sorry, son, I cannot afford your education. You have to drop out of school.” Luckily there is a free open school in the village that provides classes once or twice a week. Much better than nothing.

At 12.30, the place was already filled with children of 4-12 years old. Some actually walked more than half an hour from their homes to participate in the class. Today the class was about singing and playing a traditional instrument named Angklung. For the thousandth time, the curiosity and the spirit to learn of the children amazed me. I cannot imagine needing to cut that off them.

The facilitator said, “Who wants to save their money?” Apparently they have a simple form of savings at the school. They saved some of their allowance. At the end of the year, they will collaboratively decide where they will donate the money. Some actually save up to Rp200 thousands. (USD20). The facilitator said that the idea came from the children.

"The last time we donated the money to a Christian-based orphanage, which was in need because the government has cut off their subsidy. We always choose to help those around us because God tells us to help our neighbors," he added.

The lesson continued. There was no explicit teaching of the so called “religion of Islam” in the class. What existed was the practical application of the values: that we need to get to know one another, that we need to help each other, that we need to act kindly, that we need to have self confidence and the belief in God, that we cannot give up and that we cannot stop learning. That God will not change the destiny of a person until that person changes it himself.

These values were also apparent in the facilitators. From the first time the children arrived, they greeted them warmly, full of smile. They played with them, they carried the children in their arms, put the children on their laps - all kinds of love that a child should receive. This helps build a child into a person of love and confidence.

A dream of a better future - I

2006-05-11T03:36:00.000+07:00

This is a story I sent to my friends months ago. Now I want to share it with you. It is about my friend and her dream of a better generation. A long story divided into three parts.

Earlier today I went to Puncak, a resort area that is about one or two hours away from Jakarta, Indonesia. I wanted to visit an informal school for needy children that my friend organizes. That friend was with me in the car.

Along the way, she passionately talked about this five years old project. It started with the thought that not all children are able to go to school due to economic reason and that not all things can be taught in school. There are a lot of values that need to be planted from early years if we want to have better generations in the future.

‘We cannot change a child 100% right away. But perhaps they could be 30% better than their parents. Their children will be 50% better. Their grandchildren will be 75% better and so on. By the end of the fifth generation, they will be 100% better than our generation,” she said. “This is a long term project, but it needs to start now.”

We passed by a group small simple houses that basically did not have any space in between them. My friend continued, “Look at this. Right to left, front to the end, all we can see are houses. Where can the children play? There are gardens but they are private property of the city people and very few children can play there. Where can they play?”

Then we passed by a bunch of street hawkers and motor-taxi. She said. “We cannot expect those people to think far. Their thoughts are limited to what my family can eat today, what they can eat tomorrow. They simply think that their children are going to take over their work someday. Not more than that. The children are shaped to take over their job. (Without any meaning to undermine their job at all). How can the children develop themselves? I told the children, you can be somebody who sell simple things as fried tofu, but be a business owner of the fried tofu like Yun Yi (a famous tofu brand in Indonesia).”

“So not only they are poor economically, they also lack of information, they do not have a wider view of life. If they come face to face with ‘us’ the city people, we tend to undermine them. They too think of themselves as ‘lower’ than us. A status quo.”

Through a narrow street, my car came face to face with another car. I could not get through because there was a motorcycle parked in the middle of the street. The owner just sat by the street, indifferent to what happened. My friend commented, “You see, they do not feel the need or are not aware that they should move their motorcycle. Can we be angry at them? Not really, right? It is rooted within them. Nobody has taught them that it is not appropriate to do that.”

She continued, “That is why we should not teach them just science. We should also teach them how to socialize and to develop their self confidence, so that they will be respected. But respect is earned. We cannot respect another person just because we are fellow human. We should, but it does not work that way. We have to prove that we are worth respecting.”

700 million Rupiah a day

2006-05-07T20:21:00.000+07:00

“Palestine has been boycotted. The people are hungry. The children cannot drink milk. We shall demo today, Sunday 7 May, 8.30am at HI. Prepare your donation. Please distribute.” I received this message through SMS today from a good friend.

Being away from Jakarta, I was curious about the result of the demo – or they call it: the act of peace: solidarity for Palestine.

It turned out that the demo has managed to gather Rp700 million (USD 70,000) in a day. A relatively large amount of money in such a short span of time, especially for Indonesia. Wow. Hats off to the organizer, hats off to the generous Indonesians.

In addition, the demo, which was attended by tens of thousands of people, was done in a complete peace. Wow. How cool is that.

I was also curious about the issue: the boycott of Palestine. I am sorry if I have been so out of touch. Anyway, so I searched in Google, CNN and BBC. Interestingly, I had a hard time finding the explanation of the issue. Perhaps I searched for the wrong term. “Boycott” may be too strong of a word. Perhaps 'they' are using a more politically correct word (and justification) for this. This is another issue, but still, wow.

I do not know enough about Israel-Palestine world debate to comment about it. That is not why I wrote this. I was just wondering: how can Indonesian people gather such a large sum of money in such a short day for Palestine? We seem to have a harder time helping our own country and our fellow countrymen. Wow.

Big city or small town?

2006-05-04T03:20:00.000+07:00

I was living in Seville since 2 December last year until 15 April 2006 when I moved to Barcelona. I do not know the statistics but needless to say Barcelona is much bigger than Seville.

I was relieved when I moved to Barcelona. No offence to Seville, I love the city and the people – even my family in Barcelona said that I am in love with Seville (I am). Nevertheless, somehow I felt like I was breathing fresh air when I arrived in Barcelona. I supposed my friend was right when he said you can take the girl out of a city but you cannot take the city out of a girl.

True, until this long weekend. I went to a village where my family had a small hut. There was practically nothing to do except to read, to chat with one another or to work in the garden or on the new house. Almost all of the family members were there. We had a barbeque. I sat with the family’s dog watching the sun set.

I stayed there for four days and I felt fine. In fact, I think this has been my best time in Barcelona – closely matched by the dinner I had with a friend. So simple. So not “big city”.

So which do I like most? I am puzzled. My temporary conclusion: I need the liberty to move between city and smaller town or nature. It is like when we swim, we need to take our head out of the water to breathe.

This leads me to wonder: Why do I need to move so often? Why do I need to move to take a deep breath? Why can I not be comfortable in just one place? When will I settle down? Will I ever? Do I need to?

Who am I kidding? I guess deep down I must admit that I am still far from the true peace that I have been searching for.

PS: And I miss my country – my family, my friends and the FOOD.

Happy Kartini Day

2006-04-21T16:05:00.000+07:00

A typical special day of Indonesia to celebrate how far women have travelled or to remind us how far yet they need to travel -- depending on our point of view.

Kartini was an Indonesian woman who lived during the beginning of the twentieth century whose mindset was much more advanced than other women in those days. I personally voted for other women figures during those days but I do respect her for her thoughts.

So here is to all the women in the world. A song by Lisa Standsfield called All Woman. A beautiful song.

She smiles at him as he walks through the door
She wonders if it will be okay
It's hard for her when he doesn't respond

He says babe you look a mess
You look dowdy in that dress
It's just not like it used to be
Then she says...

Chorus:
I may not be a lady
But I'm all woman
From monday to sunday I work harder than you know
I'm no classy lady
But I'm all woman
And this woman needs a little love to make her strong
You're not the only one

She stands there and lets the tears flow
Tears that she's been holding back so long
She wonders where did all the loving go
The love they used to share when they were strong

She says yes I look a mess
But I don't love you any less
I thought you always thought enough of me to always be impressed

(Chorus)

He holds her and hangs his head in shame
He doesn't see her like he used to do
He's too wrapped up in working for his pay
He hasn't seen the pain he's put her through

Attention that he paid
Just vanished in the haze
He remembers how it used to be
When he used to say

You'll always be a lady
'Cos you're all woman
From monday to sunday I love you much more than you know
You're a classy lady
'Cos you're all woman
This woman needs a loving man to keep her warm

You're the only one
You're a classy lady
'Cos you're all woman

So sweet the love that used to be
So sweet the love that used to be

We can be sweet again...

Ha ha, very funny, God

2006-04-20T20:20:00.000+07:00

A personal story with the Spanish Immigration office. I will tell you the chronology, much easier.

Oct 2005 - The Spanish embassy’ visa section gave me a three month visa and said that I need to extend it once I arrive in Spain.

W1 Dec 2005 – Arrived in Spain

W2 Dec 2005 - Went to the immigration office in Seville. Stood in line for four hours. They said they would mail me a letter.

W4 Jan 2006 – No letter yet. Returned to the Office and they said I needed to wait a bit more.

W4 Feb 2006 – No letter yet. Returned to the Office and once again I needed to wait a bit more.

W4 Mar 2006 – No letter yet. Returned to the Office. They had changed the queuing system and I was late – twice.

W1 Apr 2006 , Monday – Returned to the Office. Stood in line since 7.30am. Waited until 2pm. Turned out that they had put a wrong address in my letter. I needed to return to set up an appointment with the Police.

W1 Apr 2006 , Monday – Returned to the Office. Stood in line since 7.30am. Made the appointment but the appointment was for 28 April 2006 – by then I would have left Seville for Barcelona. The man said then I needed to go to the Police office in Barcelona.

Yesterday – Cannot remember the names, let us call them Immigration Office A, B and C. Went to the Office A, which was the address given by my school. After waiting for almost one hour, Office A turned out to be only for the European Community. They said, go to Office B. Right. Went there. Another line – a shorter one though. They said, no, here is only for extending your student card, not to make one. So you need to go to Office C to make the student card. It was too late to go there because it closes at 2pm. Fine, tomorrow then.

Earlier today – Went to Office C. Wait for half an hour. The lady said it was too late for me to make a student card, because a student card needs five weeks to make and I only have four weeks left in school. She also said that I would have no problem with the immigration as long as I return to my country directly after my study, which is what I am planning to do.

So all these, to come to a conclusion that I need not do anything to extend my visa. I do not mind actually – my emotion was literally flat during the process. (is that good or bad?) In fact, I kind of enjoyed watching all other people (like myself) waiting in line. I spent my time reading, doing my Spanish exercises, talking to people or humming the song played by my ipod.

But I do think the whole process is not necessary. Or is it? Just for God to see what I have learned at my other school – the school of Life, or as my friend calls it: the school of emotion. So, how am I doing, God?

The First Time

2006-04-19T21:48:00.000+07:00

Yet another U2 moment. You must have figured it out by now who is one of my favorite bands.

I have a lover, a lover like no other
She got soul, soul, soul, sweet soul
And she teach me how to sing.

Shows me colours when there's none to see
Gives me hope when I can't believe
That for the first time I feel love.

I have a brother, when I'm a brother in need
I spend my whole time running
He spends his running after me.

I feel myself goin' down
I just call and he comes around.
But for the first time I feel love.

My father is a rich man, he wears a rich man's cloak.
He gave me the keys to his kingdom (coming)
Gave me a cup of gold.

He said "I have many mansions
And there are many rooms to see."
But I left by the back door
And I threw away the key
And I threw away the key.

For the first time, for the first time
For the first time, I feel love.

Who died?

2006-04-19T05:27:00.000+07:00

I will show you how ignorant a person can be. Example: me.

Seville is known to have one of the most exciting traditional Easters, or as they called it “La Semana Santa”, a whole week of processions and street parades. Needless to say, to commemorate the death and the resurrection of Jesus (apology if I have used incorrect terms, let me know)

So here I am, walking on the street with a friend, when I noticed that many women were wearing black. I asked my friend why they were wearing black and she said it was a dress for mourning – you know, when someone has died. Me being me, I asked leisurely and innocently, “Who died?”

You can imagine how my friend looked at me with a puzzled and amazed expression. Two seconds, and I realized. Oh. I see – as I crossed the road in the middle of hundreds of people carrying crosses and a big statue of Jesus and the cross as well as Mother Mary.

Just to show how ‘stupid’ I can be occasionally – otherwise, I am brilliant. He he, kiddin.

- This piece, I wrote especially for you ;) -

I shall miss you, Seville

2006-04-15T23:28:00.000+07:00

A liberal translation of the previous text.

I cannot believe that the time has come for me to leave Seville. Time does indeed fly when we are having fun.

Thank you, everybody, for a once in a lifetime experience. You cannot imagine what I have learned and what has happened to me during my stay in Seville. My life there was like a dream but now I need to move on to the next stage.

My special thanks goes to:

My teachers and personnel of Don Quijote/Enforrex Seville for everything (here, In Spanish, we use the word ‘por’ and not ‘para’. I remember, Inma ;)): Alejandro (with ‘jota’), Ana, Carlos, Cati, Las Cármenes (Maria Carmen, Carmen Maria and Carmen), Cielo, Inma, Javier (with ‘jota’ as well), Lorena, Paco, Paloma and Silvia. You guys are truly like no other.

My friends in DQ, including (fufff, quite a lot) Danielle, Floor, Corinne, Ameer, Steve, Sam, Nat, Yuki, Caroline, Linn, Eric, Emely, Kirstin, Manu, Grazi, Hank, Michelle, Thierry, Judit, Mike, Tricia, Pat, Marco, Oswaldo, Fabio, Mauro, Erin, Amy and so many more.

My friends outside of DQ in Sevilla: Julio, Julián, Tania, José, Lola, Juan, Ana, Diego, Luciano, Ricardo, Maria and Jorge.

My family in Seville, of course – Yolanda, Darío, Antonio and Silvia (Silvia, for you, twice!). There is neither home nor family that could have been more perfect for me than yours.

And, last but certainly not least, my family and friends in Indonesia or anywhere else in the world that have always accompanied me throughout this time. Yes, I do realize how lucky I am (right, right, thanks to You as well, Lord)

I promise you that I will return to Seville and that you will always have me as your friend. I will miss you.

Right, boys and girls. That is it. Until we meet again - some time, somewhere, somehow. Take care. Wishing you a life full of love, peace and happiness.

Hugs and kisses

Te echaré de menos, Sevilla

2006-04-15T23:14:00.000+07:00

Now, I apologize to all the non spanish speaking visitors. I promise I shall write the English version of this entry.

No puedo pensarlo pero ya el tiempo para salir de Sevilla ha llegado para mí. El tiempo de la verdad vuela cuando lo pasamos bien.

Gracias a todo el mundo por una experiencia única que puedo tener en mi vida. No podéis imaginar lo que he aprendido y que me ha pasado durante mi estancia en Sevilla. Mi vida era como un sueño, pero ahora necesito avanzar a la siguiente etapa de mi vida.

Agradezco especialmente:

A mis profesores y el personal de Don Quijote/Enforrex por todo (con ‘por’, no ‘para’. Me acuerdo, Inma ;)): Alejandro (con ‘jota’), Ana, Carlos, Cati, Las Cármenes (Maria Carmen, Carmen Maria y Carmen), Cielo, Inma, Javier (con ‘jota’ también), Lorena, Paco, Paloma, y Silvia. Efectivamente vosotros sóis de lo que no hay.

A mis amigos de DQ, incluso (fufff, muchos) Danielle, Floor, Corinne, Ameer, Steve, Sam, Nat, Yuki, Caroline, Linn, Eric, Emely, Kirstin, Manu, Grazi, Hank, Michelle, Thierry, Judit, Mike, Tricia, Pat, Marco, Oswaldo, Fabio, Mauro, Erin, Amy y mucho mas.

A mis amigos fuera de DQ en Sevilla: Julio, Julián, Tania, José, Lola, Juan, Ana, Diego, Luciano, Maria, Ricardo y Jorge.

A mi familia de Sevilla, por supuesto – Yolanda, Darío, Antonio y Silvia (Silvia, para tí, dos veces!). No hay casa ni familia que sean mejores para mí.

Y, la última pero claro que no es para menos, a mi familia y a mis amigos en Indonesia o en el resto del mundo que siempre me han acompañado. Ya lo sé que tengo mucha suerte. (vale, sí, a Tí también, Señor)

Os prometo que yo volveré a Sevilla otra vez y que vosotros siempre me tengáis como vuestra amiga. Os echaré de menos.

Venga, niños. Pues nada. Hasta siempre. Cuídate, ¿vale? ¡Que tengáis una vida que es llena de amor, paz, y felicidad!

Muchos besos y fuertes abrazos.

RUU APP: masih belum puas..

2006-04-10T01:55:00.000+07:00

Nambah lagi ya. Masih berputar terus nih di kepala.

Saya jadi bertanya-tanya… sejauh mana pemerintah bisa menentukan dan mengatur “moralitas” bangsa, hingga ke cara berpakaian kita pribadi. Standar siapa yang dipakai? Soalnya standar berpakaian yang gosipnya bakal diterapkan itu tidak akrab dengan keluarga saya (Apa berarti selama ini bapak ibu saya juga turut memerosotkan moral bangsa? Nakal ya) Soalnya, saya sih gak ngerasa teman-teman saya jadi napsu karena pakaian yang saya pakai.

Yang saya khawatirkan… pembatasan apa lagi yang akan diterapkan kepada kita yang mengatasnamakan penjagaan moralitas bangsa. Sekali lagi, dengan standar siapa? Kenapa sih kita dipagari seperti ini? Padahal semua pakar psikologi keluarga bilang bahwa pemagaran anak terlalu ketat tidak baik. Dan saya belum pernah mendengar negara yang menerapkan peraturan ketat seperti ini bisa lantas meningkatkan 'moral' dan mensejahterakan bangsa.

Pada saat tingkat pendidikan dan pemahaman masyarakat semakin tinggi, kenapa malah menggunakan peraturan otoriter untuk memaksakan suatu norma masyarakat dengan mengatasnamakan kepentingan umum dan kehendak mayoritas? Siapa sih mayoritas itu? Kok kebanyakan orang (yang saya tahu) kayaknya termasuk minoritas?

"salahin" temen saya, dia yang membuat saya jadi berpikir dan berkomentar tentang ini. Dan kalau udah mulai berpikir.. gak bisa berhenti. Let's get the ball rolling .

RUU APP: Pak Polisi, aman gak pake baju ini?

2006-04-10T01:31:00.000+07:00

Apology to all the non-Indonesian-speaking visitors, for I want to write this article in Indonesian languange.

Dua hari lalu, saya ngobrol dengan teman saya tentang RUU APP (Anti Pornografi dan Pornoaksi). Udah baca RUU-nya belum? Salah satu yang menarik perhatian saya adalah pasal mengenai cara berpakaian dan ciuman bibir di muka umum.

Awalnya saya pikir cara berpakaian saya aman dan gak situ-gitu amat. Tapi setelah mencermati baju yang ada di lemari saya, ternyata banyak lho yang tidak sesuai dengan ketentuan UU. Wah, gawat. Gak nyangka kalau selama ini saya sudah berperan aktif dalam merusak moral dan akhlak rakyat Indonesia.

Jadi kepikiran, gimana ya kalau pemerintah benar-benar menerapkan UU ini?

Yang pasti…

....koleksi baju saya jadi sangat mahal karena saya harus memperhitungkan denda yang harus saya bayar. Harga satu baju, misalnya celana pendek, stretch untuk olahraga, kaos kutung atau blus dengan kancing agak rendah, harus ditambah Rp200juta-1 milyar. Misal baju saya ada 10, maka biayanya berjumlah 2-10 milyar. Weleh.

…. ada (baca: banyak banget) teman saya yang harus merombak total koleksi bajunya. He he.

…. tenaga kerja bangunan atau supir angkutan umum yang gemar bertelanjang dada saat bekerja harus ditangkepin juga. Kecuali kalau ketentuan ini sebenarnya ditujukan terbatas untuk perempuan aja.

…. Tradisi cipika-cipiki (cium pipi kanan – kiri) saat ketemuan temen di mal bisa jadi risky business. Jangan-jangan kalau dilihat dari sudut pandang tertentu bisa disangka ciuman bibir lagi. Belum cipika cipiki dengan lawan jenis.

…. Saya harus kasih tahu temen-temen saya (non-Indo) yang memang kalau jalan amplitudo gerakan tubuhnya cukup tinggi. Kebiasaan, tanpa maksud mesum. Kasihan, harus belajar jalan dulu sebelum mampir ke Indonesia. Belum lagi harus beli baju baru. Tambah males aja mereka ke Indo.

Yang saya ragu… baju mana yang membahayakan dan mana yang aman. Kalau yang nyingkap hanya saat posisi tertentu (misal pas saya ngangkat tangan keliatan dikit pinggang, masuk gak? Kalau baju yang tidak terbuka tapi agak ngepas di badan, masuk gak?

Nanti jangan-jangan Polisi menegur saya lagi:, “Maaf, Anda kami tahan karena baju Anda, ehm, menonjolkan bagian depan Anda.” Wah, kalau yang itu mah, terus terang ya Pak, agak susah ditutupin. Apalagi kalau saya lagi agak ndut. Kecuali kalau saya pake selimut kemana-mana.

Repot juga ya. Mungkin paling aman, datang ke kantor polisi dan nanya.. Pak Polisi, aman gak pake baju ini???

Oh well

2006-04-02T20:09:00.000+07:00

Yesterday I went to an introductory class of Zen. I was so late but I still wanted to go for some reasons unknown even to me. The lesson from the class that sticks to my mind most is: for whatever things that happen in life, relax, accept it and you will see things from a different light.

Well, what do you know.. Today was the practice session. It has been a strange day. Nothing has gone according to plan yet I do not mind. I said ‘oh well’ a lot today. I shrug my shoulders and went about doing other things.

I woke up and my ‘family’ here has gone to work. Oh well. We did not have hot water but I needed to wash my hair. Oh well. My friend and I were supposed to go to another town but we cancelled it because the weather was not good. Oh well. We were supposed to meet for coffee but she needed to work until late. Oh well.

I went to a café near my school, but I could only sat there for a little while because they were closing. Oh well. I went to an Internet café and even there my notebook could not connect to the network. Oh well. I went to another Internet café. I checked my e-mail but there were no new e-mails. Oh well.

I SMS-ed two other friends but they were out of town. Oh well. Another friend actually called to ask if I wanted to meet, yet here, I said no. Oh well. I wanted to stop by a fast food restaurant for a quick meal but they were all full. Oh well. I came home and my family was still out. I was alone in the house. Oh well.

Yet, today I felt much more peaceful and relaxed than these last few days, or even weeks. I sat down at a café and read Rumi’s Divani Shams, I shed a tear and somehow I felt relieved. I walked around the town – which I will leave in the next two weeks – and I could feel its beauty. I went into a church just to sit down and to stay silence. Again I shed a tear.

I went home and wrote this piece. I shed another tear. It is like someone was saying to me: “Now, have you got it? Relax, accept things as they are, and let life takes its own course. Life will take care of everything for you.” I have learned my lesson for the day. I am in peace with myself. I can feel it within me.

Now I understand what my friend meant when she said, "the next time you pray, dzikir or meditate, try to see yourself. Try to enter to your innerself instead of going out. Control your anxiety." It is all in us. When we search within, we shall find ourselves. And when we find ourselves, we shall find God.

Someone has all the luck

2006-04-02T20:08:00.000+07:00

You are not tired of my chat conversation, are you? I promised this would be a short one.

My friend’s Yahoo Messenger status was: “do not know what to think”
Me: Well, think of me then ;)
Fr: About work I mean.
Me: Oh well, still, while you cannot think of work, think of me.
Fr: I do think of you occasionally, you know?
Me: Really? When?
Fr: Whenever I think, “somebody has all the luck”

I was dumb founded. Speechless. I have to admit, I am very lucky.

How many of us can and do actually ditch our work voluntarily, take a one year sabbatical leave, and travel to all sorts of places others can only dream of? How many of us can feel so confident that we will always find work that we like and that in fact work will find us – not the other way around? How many of us have heaps of family and friends who love us and whom we love? How many of us choose to work because we like it and not because we have to? How many of us have enjoyed and can actually feel this much love from God?

So what I am doing complaining about things anyway?

PS: And the truth is, if you can spend these few minutes browsing the Web and reading this entry probably in an air conditioned comfy room while sipping a hot cup of coffee or tea, then chances are you are not doing that bad either.

Slap slap

2006-04-02T20:06:00.000+07:00

Another conversation with a friend (Fr). A reminder.

Fr: So what do you do now?
Me: Nothing much, really.
Me: Am bored half to death.
Fr: Count your blessings
Me: But I cannot help feeling bored. Well, I feel unproductive. Feel a bit guilty for having this much free time.
Fr: Then produce something while you are there
Fr: Within
Me: That, yes.
Fr: There is no excuse to be bored half to death then
Fr: You requested something and the universe granted your wish
Me: Ha ha, yes, I know. Amazing.
Fr: Stop whining that you are bored
Me: Yes mom.
Fr: you wrote: Again, being skeptics are still ok. But please do not stop at being just negative about things. If we do not like it, let us do something about it. And if we do not want to do anything, let us stop complaining. And, by the way, what makes us think that we are better than 'them' anyway?
Me: yes?
Fr: ....let us stop complaining
Me: Ha ha, notice that I put "us", me included.
Fr: Absolutely
Fr: so whenever you open your mouth or start writing or sharing or expressing that you are bored, perhaps you should remember what you wrote...
Me: I do.
Fr: Great
Fr: Off to zzz-land now
Me: ok.

My friend was absolutely right. I did ask for this and the universe has granted my wish. The conversation has said it all. No need for further comment from me. Thank you.

Thank you Lord for my family

2006-03-28T22:27:00.000+07:00

Earlier today, all my brothers and sisters went to another town. I cannot remember when was the last time we went out of town together. I was not there unfortunately but a little bird (there are many little birds in my family) has told me how it went.

They chatted. They laughed. They played jokes among them. They told stories, private stories. They were very relaxed and open. Just like how bothers and sisters should be. I was not there but I smiled as I read the story. I can feel the happiness. I can feel the warmth. I can feel the love. I feel happy.

Added that with my 11 nephews and nieces, and my parents, and my cat, and my closed friends. I have to admit, I am looking forward to go home. I am so lucky to have such a home.

Thank you Lord for such a simple yet profound happiness.

Twisted words, yes, I still hate them

2006-03-28T22:01:00.000+07:00

I shall try to tell you a story without revealing the incidence. Suffice to say, I have been blamed for something that I have not done.

A friend (A – let us say, a her) has used me as an excuse when another friend (B - him) asked her why she has chosen X over Y: “because Eva has told me such and such”. Something that had nothing to do with me (anymore). What a meddling bitch I am, if I were to do it.

Luckily, B was kind enough to reconfirm it with me. I felt that my words were taken out of the context. Firstly, I might have said it a long time ago that it should have become obsolete information. My friend A, I believe, should be intelligent enough to know this. Secondly, that was not the whole thing that I said. I said, “such and such but of course you can give X a try. It would do you no harm.”

I know I am vague here but I hope you get the gist. My first reaction when I heard this was, well, certain swear words came to mind (and mouth). Then I calmed down, and explained what happened to B. B was kind enough to understand. We have been friends for a long time.

I was amazed by my emotion (blame the monthly female period for this). I thought I have calmed down but this incidence is just small reminder that I still have a lot to learn. It was also a reminder of what awaits me when I return ‘to the real world’ or when I come out of my sabbatical period.

Twisted words - how dangerous can they be. How should one respond to that? Should we defend ourselves whenever this ‘attack’ crops up? It can be very tiring. But if we do not respond, will that damage our name? Should we care?

No wonder the Prophet (may God bless him and grant him peace) once said that one of the things we need to be careful with is that we have between our ears (i.e. our mouth). No wonder that more than half of the 10 legacies of Hasan Al-Banna focused on verbal communications. No wonder that the great Al Ghazali has dedicated a whole book on “the evil of the tongue”. Twisted words - how dangerous can they be.

PS: Mind you, I may not be free from that myself, unfortunately. I am still learning.

The painting competition

2006-03-26T20:03:00.000+07:00

An old story worth reiterating.

Once upon a time the Chinese having challenged the Greeks to a trial of skill in painting, the Sultan summoned them both into edifices built for the purpose directly facing each other, and commanded them to show proof of their art. The painters of the two nations immediately applied themselves with diligence to their work.

The Chinese sought and obtained of the king every day a great quantity of colours, but the Greeks not the least particle. Both worked in profound silence, until the clangor of cymbals and of trumpets, announced the end of their labours.

Immediately the king, with his courtiers, hastened to their temple, and there stood amazed at the wonderful splendour of the Chinese painting and the exquisite beauty of the colours.

But meanwhile the Greeks, who had not sought to adorn the walls with paints, but laboured rather to erase every colour, drew aside the veil which concealed their work. Then, wonderful to tell, the manifold variety of the Chinese colours was seen still more delicately and beautifully reflected from the walls of the Grecian temple, as it stood illuminated by the rays of the midday sun."

This parable, of course, illustrates the favourite Sufi tenet that the heart must be kept pure and calm as an unspotted mirror.

Taken from Al Ghazali’s Ihya. Oh, how I miss reading your books.

Karma, reincarnation and the Ultimate Divine

2006-03-26T19:59:00.000+07:00

Three things that we need to keep in mind, if we do not want to be bothered with the complexity of any religion. It is too complex for me to explain these concepts comprehensively and I may not be the right person to do so. But let me say this:

We are all connected. We are part of the world. We are part of the Ultimate Divine. In each of us lies the God within, but we are not God. We are still mere human but we have a spark of God within us.

All religions hint this – mostly implicitly. But many so called religious people or organizations got bogged down in the literal meaning of the words in their bibles, in the details of prayers and processions, and in determining who is right or wrong. The teaching, which should have led us to peace and wisdom, has turned us into beings of hatred and prejudice instead. How sad is that. No wonder many turns their back on religions.

Let us return to our original discussion. Each of us is striving to be better, to reach a better state of being. It is a long journey. That is why we need several lives to achieve it - hence, the need for reincarnation.

Each life is meant to be a step closer to the state of bliss, whose destination is solely to be one with the Truth, the Ultimate Divine, God, whatever we want to call it. This can only be reached through altruism, where we do everything selfishly for the betterment of humanity, without any desire to be recognized or appreciated. Yes, complex, but possible.

If you cannot accept the concept above, at least accept the Law of Karma: what goes around, comes around. Whatever we do, good or bad, will affect our future. At least this would make us more careful and would hinder us from hurting other beings. Karma is nature’s way of keeping the world in equilibrium – the basic physics concept of action and reaction.

No such thing as bad karma. All karmas are meant to be a way to improve a person. As an Indonesian named Aa Gym used to say: it does not matter what happens to you, what matters is how you respond to it, and that you come out a better person.

Again, not easy but it is possible. "All" we need to do is to just keep walking -- to focus on what is there in front of us, to not worry too much about our future -- and to listen to our heart always. Do not let your mind get in your way.

You do not need to believe every single word I say. To each, his own understanding and journey. The only ‘person’ that we need to listen to is ourselves within – our own heart, the God within us.

If we think it makes sense, then we can accept it as an addition to our knowledge and wisdom. If not, then we are free to leave it be, but please honor the differences – perhaps it is not time for us to accept it yet, or perhaps that person might be wrong. Let it be. To each his own understanding and journey.

As my friend, who studied theology, once said: “perhaps all religions as we know them are right. Or perhaps they are all just bullocks. We do not know.” Sad, but she might be right.

Happy father’s day

2006-03-20T23:49:00.000+07:00

To my fathers – the real McCoy and all that have been like a father to me.

My birth father passed away more than 10 years ago.

He used to tell me the same bedtime story (yes, one same story) over and over again every night when I was little. But I had never got tired of it.

When I had grown up a bit, he still treated me as a kid. I used to hate it. There was even ‘one time’ when I disliked him so much that I refused to talk to him, not even a single word. The one time lasted for about two or three years. Yet, he was patient. He knew it would pass. It did and I loved him more than ever.

He loved books and learning new things. He loved discussing, second-guessing and questioning things. He was a man of common sense and vision.

He never complained about life. He was always thankful for whatever life had given him. He was a humble man. He worked hard but he never boasted about his success or his possessions.

I remember one time I had left my jacket in the taxi. I panicked. He looked at me and said, “Let it go, let it go”. I would never forget those words. Whenever something ‘bad’ happen, I told myself to let go.

He was helpful to his friends and relatives, but straightforward as well. When he did not like something, he would gladly say it. He had many good friends. Many of which remain friends to the family until today.

He (and Mom) let me choose what I want to do from the very early age. I cannot remember when was the last time they forbid me from doing anything. They always let me decide. Some people were still wondering how they could do that.

My father was not a saint. He was not free from sins or wrongdoings. Perhaps there are many things that I do not know about him. But I love him just the same. My mom and dad are the greatest in the world.

Happy father’s day, Pop. Thank you for everything. May you find peace, love and happiness in God’s eternal land. I love you. I love you too, Mom.

“I cannot understand…”

2006-03-18T00:19:00.000+07:00

My teacher used that phrase yesterday when she was talking about a certain group of people which was much too often accused of living an unhealthy way of life. They steal, rob, etc, or so the perception goes.

She was basically saying that she does not like, she hates, she wants to stay away, and she does not want anything to do, with them. All those could have been a very strong statement.

But she did not use those words. Instead she used the phrase “I cannot understand” – She cannot understand why those people act that way.

Nice, I think. Instead of having a final judgment, generalizing, or being direct about it, she puts the ‘blame’ on her. Like saying “It is me who cannot understand. Perhaps they have a good reason or background why they do things the way they do it, which I do not know. Perhaps if I get to know them better, I will understand better as well.”

I have heard so many times how negative people think of that group. It has (almost) become a prejudice. But when I heard she said it, it does not feel like one. She puts ‘the blame’ on her. She points the finger at her and not somebody else.

Judging a book by its cover

2006-03-18T00:16:00.001+07:00

Let me describe a friend of mine. She is Asian. Not much taller than I am but quite skinny. She smiles a lot. When she talks, she talks with a very soft voice, like she is unsure. She speaks Spanish but it is not really perfect. She hardly speaks English. She is learning how to dance flamenco but she is not exactly there yet. Can you picture her? Honestly, she does not seem like a strong personality to me. Not at first.

(My) Lessons learned: never prejudge, never underestimate.

We had coffee last night and she started telling me her story. She has been living in Spain for one year. She came here alone without knowing how to speak a word of Spanish. She has been moving from one city to another. In each city, she searched for her own apartment without having anyone to help her. She did not know anybody but she is not afraid to make friends despite of her not-so-perfect Spanish.

She is not afraid of learning something new. She studied to be a cook. Now she is planning to move to another city in Northern Spain just to learn how to cook in a special cook school. She does not know how long she will stay here yet. She will know when enough is enough. She also needs to work for her money otherwise she will not have enough.

She said much more but this should be enough. She told the story very lightly and as always with a smile on her face. I explicitly said to her that I love her story. It sounded so strong and adventurous.

Lessons learned for me: never prejudge, never underestimate. I love people who fight for their lives in a positively persistent manner. Hats off. Proficiat.

Bored, bored, bored

2006-03-11T19:14:00.000+07:00

Another confession: I am bored.

I am practically doing nothing during these six months in Spain except learning the language. Not that I am undermining my learning Spanish or my spiritual process. Nor am I not thankful for this blessing called life. But I used to do and am used to doing a lot more. I feel useless and meaningless. I am bored.

But when I told this to my friends, they were puzzled. There are so many things you can do, they said, such as reading, traveling, and visiting museums. Go out and enjoy yourself, they added, you have what many people can only dream of: a one-year sabbatical leave, a 365 days of being free to do whatever you want without having to go to work. What a dream comes true.

Well, thank you. But that is exactly where the problem lies. All I do are going to four-hours-a-day classes, reading, traveling and chatting with friends. There are so many wrongs in the world and yet I am sitting here doing ‘nothing’. I need something more productive, something that will lead to producing something, something that is beneficial for other people. I feel useless. I feel guilty.

I do not know. Maybe it is just me. I am incapable of ‘enjoying myself’, if I were to apply the definition of “enjoying myself” used by so many people.

Am I strange to feel so bored in the middle of this beautiful country among these beautiful people? Am I wrong to feel useless and guilty? Am I weird for not being able to ‘enjoy myself’ and wanting to return to getting busy?

Enlighten me, people.

Faith

2006-03-11T19:13:00.000+07:00

Interesting.

The word “faith”, according to Encarta World English Dictionary, means, “belief in, devotion to, or trust in somebody or something, especially without logical proof”.

Yet, do you know that the word “faith”, comes from “pistis” of the Greeks, which means "belief based on knowledge," whether supplied by the evidence of physical or spiritual senses?

Interesting, is it not? How the meaning has evolved through times so far to being practically the contrary. So which type of faith do you subscribe to?

PS: If faith without knowledge is not really faith, does this mean that ‘blind faith’ is a contradictive term?

Me, I am a cynic as well

2006-03-11T19:12:00.000+07:00

I was reading my writings about cynics and skeptics. My God, I am one of ‘them’, the cynics.

I was being cynical about the cynics. I was guilty of the same sin. Hence, allow me to tell you something different about the same matter.

Last week we were talking about countries in our class. At one time, we spoke about Israel. It was a controversial topic. Then, there was this friend of mine who have lived in Israel for several months. He started to tell us about his beautiful experience there, about how the Israelis where he lived had welcomed him so warmly and about their culture.

I enjoyed listening to his story, more than he realized. Is it not amazing how different your perspective about certain things can be once you get to know them better? Is it not beautiful to set aside our prejudice and to gain real understanding about it?

As Professor Alexander Wilder says in his "Introduction to the Eleusinian Mysteries," "It is ignorance which leads to profanation. Men ridicule what they do not properly understand. . . “ So true.

I loved his story. More than he realized.

Cynicsm, again

2006-03-11T01:09:00.000+07:00

Second time with the same topic. I supposed I am really getting tired of it. People complaining, people prejudicing, people saying bad things about things they hardly know anything about.

Yet, what do they do about it? NOTHING. And are we any better than those whom we are referring to? NOT REALLY. NOT SURE. MOST PROBABLY NOT.

I have a lot of these this week. People negatively commenting on, or rather arguing about so many things. I was there but I did not want to get involved. And it is everywhere. All over the Internet and media. And back home as well. All those least-useful polemics and demonstrations. Pfffhhhh.

Honestly, knowledge-less prejudice, generalization and non-constructive criticism, add that with lack of common sense, rage, or worse, anarchism. Few things are uglier and more boring than those.

Save the voice, energy and life for something more productive and positive.

Theosophy and Blavatsky

2006-03-11T00:19:00.000+07:00

Just when I thought I have started to have a good grasp of God and religions, along come this theosophist named Helena Petrovna Blavatsky. An excerpt from her book The Key to Theosophy:

"ENQUIRER. Theosophy and its doctrines are often referred to as a new-fangled religion. Is it a religion?

THEOSOPHIST. It is not. Theosophy is Divine Knowledge or Science.

ENQUIRER. What is the real meaning of the term?

THEOSOPHIST. "Divine Wisdom," (Theosophia) or Wisdom of the gods, as (theogonia), genealogy of the gods. The word theos means a god in Greek, one of the divine beings, certainly not "God" in the sense attached in our day to the term. Therefore, it is not "Wisdom of God," as translated by some, but Divine Wisdom such as that possessed by the gods. The term is many thousand years old."
Pause here. Deep breath. Okay? Right, another quote from the same book:

"THEOSOPHIST. The WISDOM-RELIGION was ever one, and being the last word of possible human knowledge, was, therefore, carefully preserved. It preceded by long ages the Alexandrian Theosophists, reached the modern, and will survive every other religion and philosophy.

ENQUIRER. Where and by whom was it so preserved?

THEOSOPHIST. Among Initiates of every country; among profound seekers after truth -- their disciples; and in those parts of the world where such topics have always been most valued and pursued: in India, Central Asia, and Persia.

ENQUIRER. Can you give me some proofs of its esotericism?

THEOSOPHIST. The best proof you can have of the fact is that every ancient religious, or rather philosophical, cult consisted of an esoteric or secret teaching, and an exoteric (outward public) worship. Furthermore, it is a well-known fact that the MYSTERIES of the ancients comprised with every nation the "greater" (secret) and "Lesser" (public) MYSTERIES -- e.g. in the celebrated solemnities called the Eleusinia, in Greece. From the Hierophants of Samothrace, Egypt, and the initiated Brahmins of the India of old, down to the later Hebrew Rabbis, all preserved, for fear of profanation, their real bona fide beliefs secret. The Jewish Rabbis called their secular religious series the Mercavah (the exterior body), "the vehicle," or, the covering which contains the hidden soul. -- i.e., their highest secret knowledge. Not one of the ancient nations ever imparted through its priests its real philosophical secrets to the masses, but allotted to the latter only the husks. …"

The book, of course, goes on and on, but I am pretty sure at this point, you have said, “Uh?” My comment: "Exactly". Sigh. Just at the point of when I think I know something, somebody slapped me on my head and said otherwise.

I think the book has given me a new possibility of viewing life and ‘God’. It is a very interesting view as well. Each of the religions or belief systems that exists today or in the past have a piece of puzzle which help us makes much more sense of life. But each is so cryptic as well that what we understand today perhaps is no way near to what the bible or whoever is the principle person in our religion/belief system wants to say.

I will tell you more about it when I get a better grasp of what she is saying. In the meantime you can check her out, for instance in The homepage of The Theosophical Society or a website dedicated to Helena Blavatsky. I supposed then the journey is far from over. And I am taking you along with me. All the way.

Skeptics, Cynics

2006-03-11T00:09:00.000+07:00

I once asked my boss what the difference was between a skeptic and a cynic. I think his answer was skeptic is more objective whereas a cynic implies that there is more (negative or strong) emotion involved. Not sure whether this is the correct one.

But whatever the exact meaning is, there are so many skeptics/cynics around me nowadays. Too many. Here, I want to talk about people who are cynical about the government. I supposed it is good that they start to see that there is something wrong with something. This means they are thinking. If only they can move one step further and do something about it.

An imaginary conversation between H (him or her) and M (me).

H: Sad what has happened in our country.
M: True.
H: The problem is there are too many selfish, corrupted, greedy people in the country. [Well, or something like that. Cannot remember them exactly]
M: Yes, all that is fine. But what can you do about it?
H: what can I do? I have no power.
M: BS. If you (or us) – those who have enjoyed good education and blessed life – cannot do anything about this, then nobody can.
H: Yeah, but I do not like politics.
M: It does not have to be through politics and it does not need to go that far. You do not have to be the president. Just start small. Yourself, your company, your family, your neighborhood, anything that is immediately around you.

And that goes to all of you. To all of us – me included. To quote an Indonesian Moslem preacher Aa Gym: “start from ourselves, start small, and start now” -- A simple yet profound recommendation.

Again, being skeptics are still ok. But please do not stop at being just negative about things. If we do not like it, let us do something about it. And if we do not want to do anything, let us stop complaining. And, by the way, what makes us think that we are better than 'them' anyway?

Sorry to be so blunt. I have enough of these negativities.

Miauw

2006-03-06T20:11:00.001+07:00

Oh how I miss my cat Miauw. Look at her – the crazy strange cat that she is.

The only things she does are sleep, eat and those two other things.

The only time she comes near you is when she is hungry or when you are sitting at her seat (and she gives a strong signal that you must leave the seat immediately as well). Otherwise she will be lying somewhere a bit far away in a strategic most comfortable sofa or bed in the house, out of your reach.

The only time she lets you touch her is when she is eating -- probably because she needs to concentrate on something (i.e. eating) more important and urgent, and cannot be bothered by just about anything else.

Yet my family loves her to bits. Now who is crazier and stranger here? Perhaps that is exactly what the cat thinks.

Success and failure

2006-03-06T20:11:00.000+07:00

Another friend told me about her achievement at work. She was much more confident and positive than the last time I met her. Is it not wonderful how ‘success’ can build one’s confidence and, thus, character?

Unfortunately, the fact is, it is ‘failure’ that can truly build one’s character. When somebody experiences failure and comes out stronger, then, only then, (s)he has really succeeded in building his/her character.

Strange – if you fail and you come out strong, then you succeed. So, does it mean you fail or succeed? Or both?

There is hope for the pessimists. -- But then again, a true pessimist does not have hopes.. Hmm. (I must give up this game of playing with words)

Sometimes I am better than I think I am

2006-03-06T20:10:00.000+07:00

But most of the time, I often THINK I am better than I really am.

- Just playing with words. Apology to all the optimists in the world -

Where is home?

2006-03-06T20:09:00.000+07:00

This is a quote from my online chat with an Indonesian friend. She has been living abroad for so long. She did not like Jakarta much when she returned there. She is now working in another city in Indonesia.

…
Me: So how often do you return to Jakarta?
Me: Well, “return” may not be the right word. Sounds too much like home.
She: You bet. It is more appropriate to say “how often do you visit Jakarta?”
Me: Ha ha, I was about to say the exact same word.
She: I can VISIT Jakarta one week every two months.
…

It is amazing how one do not call the city where (s)he has spent more than half of his/her life home. But then it is possible. Look at my friend, for instance. People say home is where the heart is (hey, look, I am using a cliché)

Me? I have three homes: Indonesia, Scotland and Spain.

Or perhaps, if my home is where my heart is, then my home is where my heart really is: within me, wherever I go.

Or perhaps, if I have to be honest, then my home is where He, The Ultimate Truth, is, where I really long to be. One day, one day.

Euuuugghhh

2006-02-24T01:36:00.000+07:00

How do you write "euuuugghhh"? Or is it ´"eeuuuwww"? Like when you see something and you are amazed about it in not such a positive way. Or should I say whoooa here? More neutral and can mean both ways.

That is what I thought when I read my recent writings again. Have I really gone that serious? Hm, should step back or step aside a bit. Even more so when I read the blog of a friend, Hani - in Indonesian. So light yet so entertaining and beautiful.

I should do that. I should. Learn something new everyday. Relax, va, lighten up a bit.

A new phase

2006-02-20T01:05:00.000+07:00

Today I felt like I have entered a new phase in my spiritual journey.

I have been shown what has happened in my past and what I needed to learn from that. I have been pointed out what my objectives should be. I have been given a glimpse of the tasks ahead of me along with their challenges.

So what am I to do now? I think, now, it is drilling time. I need to prepare myself for the battle ahead. God has been kind to give me such a lovely training ground and an ample amount of time. Being here in Seville and Barcelona, Spain, for six months. So much yet to learn.

I think God agrees. After I wrote this, it was late afternoon, there was a brisk rain and sun at the same time. This can only mean one thing: rainbow. A beautiful rainbow. Let me write this one more time. A very beautiful rainbow. And you know what they say about what is at the end of a rainbow. Thank you.

Disciplining the soul

2006-02-20T00:58:00.000+07:00

Two quotes from Al-Ghazali on disciplining the soul. A translation by TJ Winter.

"Aspirancy (irada) is, according to a useful definition, ‘ the desire to come to the Beloved through inner combat (mujahada)’. Put differently, it is ‘the voluntary quest of the of the heart for spiritual sustenance.’ … Once the spiritual wayfarer has set off, numerous distractions and obstacles beset him. … The most intransigent are ‘money, status, conformism and sin’."

"A man once asked the Emissary of God (may God bless him and grant him peace) about good character, and he recited His statement (Exalted is He!) Hold to forgiveness, and enjoin kindness and turn aside from the ignorant ones. Then he said (may God bless him and grant him peace), ‘It is that you should seek reconciliation with those who avoid you, give to those who withhold from you, and forgive those who deal with you unjustly’. "

Just want to share this with you. You have guessed it, it is the book that I am reading now. I have just reached page 15 and already there is so much I can learn from it.

The cartoons of Muhammad

2006-02-19T01:52:00.000+07:00

(may God bless him and grant him peace)

I did not pay attention to this issue because.. because I think we should handle this differently and focus our mind on other things. But this changed yesterday when my teacher made me read the news and asked me to give my opinion. Then I became curious about it and I just need to get it out of my system. So I started writing.

I bet many of you think: what is the fuss all about? To Moslems, it is a big fuss.

Moslems believe that there should never be any picture of Muhammad (may God bless him and grant him peace), however meaningful, beautiful and artistic it may be. Because it may hinder us from focusing solely on God and may make us imagine or glorify Muhammad (may God bless him and grant him peace) out of his proportion. And maybe because.. well, look what has happened now.

Some people then pointed that this is a free country. People can express whatever they want to express. Shall we express it even at the expense of other people’s privacy and beliefs? Oh such a difficult subject to discuss.

If we think a person is ugly, shall we go ahead and say it? If we hear something bad about someone, should we go out and spread it? Have we already known the whole story or do we only know an incomplete picture? What are the advantages and disadvantages of saying it? Is it that important for us (and him) to say it?

Do we really need to say it, in that way? How do we think he and his loved ones will feel? Do we care? Is there a better way of doing it? Will it be better if we just keep quiet and think of what is positive about him instead?

There is also a question of how the Moslem should respond to it. Are they over-reacting? If somebody you hold so dear, in your point of view, has been maltreated, will you not respond enthusiastically?

But if we respond, how should we respond? And if we respond in the same manner as this initial cause of chain reaction, does it mean we are guilty of the same ‘mistake’? How can we make the other people see, appreciate and respect our point of view? How can we stop this from being a vicious, pointless, never-ending cycle of arguments that may lead to more hatred and prejudice in the world? (Oh, just what we need)

I must confess. Before I wrote this article, I searched the Internet for the pictures. What I found was naïve pictures of the Prophet (may God bless him and grant him peace) (perhaps too naïve to understand the consequence behind it), pictures of the rage caused by it, and pictures of the rage caused by the reactions (these ones are so heartbreaking for me) When will this stop? Why should this unnecessary hatred start?

It is such a difficult subject to discuss. Had we known the answer, perhaps there will be peace on earth. But let us give it a shot anyway. Let us stop having pointless and never-ending cycle of arguments. Let us be more productive, helpful and loving to one another.

In cases where we do not see eye-to-eye, as my boss (Hi Ong ;)) used to say, let us just agree to disagree and be done with it. Respect the differences that exist among us.

May wisdom, love and peace be upon us all.

Temper.. temper..

2006-02-19T01:09:00.001+07:00

Just when I thought I have mastered my temper, something is telling me otherwise.

My friends and I were talking about the topic of marriage and how men treat their women. Suddenly, one friend pointed at another friend who happened to be Moslem and said sharply that Muhammad (may God bless him and grant him peace) also had three wives.

Oh the pain in my heart. I thought I could take ït but I could not. She was accusing somebody (I mean, Muhammad (may God bless him and grant him peace)) who was so dear to me without knowing the story behinds it.

First reaction that came to mind was to say “hey, now, wait a minute..”. But then after a split second, I have calmed down and tried to explain it, and may I add, in Spanish. Of course, I do not think I made much sense while speaking about such a complex topic in a language that I barely have mastered. But I let it rest after that. Let it be.

You see, had I reacted in the same sharpness as hers, I would have been guilty of the same mistake: expressing my feeling and opinion about something without having a complete picture of it. I did not know why she had such a strong opinion. It can be because of a very logical reason. I do not know.

Prejudice and quick judgment -- how destructive they can be.

Train-spotting

2006-02-19T01:09:00.000+07:00

My friend once said that a train-spotter is a person who sits in the railway station for hours doing nothing but watching the trains come and go.

In a way, I am a train-spotter. I love watching people. You ought to have known that by now. And this is what I have seen in the last couple of days.

On the bus: A woman with two small children trying to get off the bus. Another lady near her helped her with her second child while asking the bus driver to wait for a bit until the two children were safely off the bus. The bus driver waited patiently.

On the bus: A young woman calling out to an elderly couple and letting them take her seat. They were from different races.

While walking: My teacher taking her daughter to school. Because the gate of the school was not open yet, they sat on the bench in front. The daughter sat on my teacher’s laps while the mom is warmly hugging her.

While walking: A father holding her mentally challenged daughter with love and telling her stories about the surroundings.

In the restaurant: a waitress casually – without being disrespectful – greeting two senior citizens who have just walked in the restaurant by saying “hey girls” and starting to chat with them.

They were such wonderful scenes. There is still love in the world. Thank you, Lord.

… we only live once – La segunda parte

2006-02-19T01:08:00.000+07:00

A little Spanish there.

We only live once. Are you sure? Oh that can open up a whole different door for discussion. For this time, I will limit my question to: if we only live this life, what shall we do about it?

Shall we ‘fun’ ourselves to death? (Death? Aha! That is another interesting topic. Shall we talk about it? Remind me) Or shall we make the best of it and try to make ourselves useful to the world or at least the people around us?

Perhaps I should end this article here. And let each of us answer it ourselves.

Let’s have fun, we only live once

2006-02-19T01:05:00.000+07:00

An expression I have heard so many times in my life. Yes, but what’s fun? Your definition might be different from mine.

The noun ¨Fun, according to MS’s Encarta, is a time or feeling of enjoyment or amusement or something such as an activity that provides enjoyment or amusement.

So what amuses us? For me, now it is less about partying and drinking all night, talking and laughing perhaps at the expense of other people, or banging our heads to that loud music (Banging? I am so eighties).

To me, more and more, fun is about watching a child feeling so content in her mother’s arms, is about being one with nature, is about singing with the less fortunate orphans in their emergency school (hi mbak Mel, miss you much), fun is .. a lot of things I cannot describe here but you get the drift.

Now, how can I have fun…

… when I was browsing the Internet to search of updates of my country, the first thing I found was news about a mom-to-be celebrity having a baby shower but few people know who the father is?

… when everywhere I go I see homeless people on the street, I witness people fighting over nothing, and I watch people suffer from hunger and disease?

… when I know there is so much wrongs in the world yet so little I can do? I can feel the tears in my eyes even as I wrote this.

So, are we having fun yet? Shall we or shall we not have fun? Do we deserve to have fun? If so, what kind?

[to be continued]