Refreshingly rich

I met several friends a couple of days ago. To put it bluntly, they are the daughters of rich and famous fathers.

But if you see them, you would not have guessed. One of the topics was that street-hawker snacks called kue cubit and how we often crave for it. Another topic was how we can help other people or even the country – and I tell you, they have done quite a lot.

You would say of course, it is easy for them to be like that. If we only know the emotional struggle they have to go through and if we only realize how many ignorant heart-less rich people there are, then we might be able to see them in a much more positive and less cynical light. We might even learn to appreciate them and to be thankful for them.

Some people can do something but are not willing. Others are willing but feel powerless.

They are among those who care, can, are willing and actually do something about it. They are the rich people - through and through.

What’s my job got to do with my life?

That question came from a friend. She is a very special person spiritually. She more or less guided me when I had no one else to converse with, not about this particular subject. Yet she said that she is doing an ordinary job like any other layman. The job, she felt, has nothing to do with what she is spiritually. She is an architect, building lavish buildings and five star hotels.

So I told her a couple of stories from my other friends.

Friend A. She is working in a new business development division of a telecommunications company. Ordinary job. Hard work. Long hours. One day she said to me, “I had to get this project. Those people who work under me – they are paid on project basis. If I do not get this project, they will lose their job.”

Friend B & C. They set up a company. They hired young people – fresh graduates, people who have been in the industry for a short period. The company grew. But what they are always proud of – the one topic that they always brag to me about – is how the people have grown. They groom people and push them to another level. They help people grow.

Friend D. He wants to set up a coffee shop. Another big city thing, we thought, but not for him. He wants the coffee shop to be a place where people can get together, talk freely and discuss just about anything. He said, “If I cannot be those people, at least I provide the place where they can hang out and exchange ideas.”

You. I said to my friend. Do you realize how many people you employee when building one hotel? About 500-600 people, she said. Do you realize that you have secured jobs for those 500-600 people for the next several months? Not to mention those that will be employed to run the hotel. Not to mention how building good infrastructure will be good for the business or tourism industry in the local area.

I rest my case. What about your job?

Friendship - 2

Well, I also had another rather opposing experience with another friend. I would not write the details of the recent incident out of my respect to that friend. (Let’s use plural, those friends, to refrain ourselves from using gender-revealing third person single pronouns)

Suffice to say that they did something that went against my definition of friendship or relationship, again and again, and again. Yet I still consider them as friends. In fact, I still consider them as my closest friends. But I used to be not without emotions. I used to be offended when these things happened. I used to ’accept’ but still grumbled.

But when that particular unfortunate incident reoccurred this very last week, I felt fine. I was truly okay. They ‘mistreated’ me but I was okay. They can do as they pleased but to me life goes on. I just moved on to the next thing to do.

And I still consider them as friends - more than ever - and wish them well. I still care for them deeply but I am letting go of my expectations on them. They will return when they want to return, when they need to return.

I am letting them be. I am letting me be. I am letting us be. And move on to whatever thing that is in front of me right now. Enjoying what I have. I did not realize how much easier life can be with such attitude.

That night after the incident, I did my prayer. I felt fine. I told God about my experience. I told Him I felt fine and recited a prayer for that friend. I felt God was smiling and nodding at me. I smiled back. It was a beautiful feeling.

I know I still have not graduated from the school of emotion. But thanks for that smile and the nod, God. It makes me feel I am going in the right direction. Hey, even God makes those small gestures to nurture the friendship.

Friendship

Friendship is indeed one of the most valuable experiences I have had this Idul Fitri. I sent out SMS and e-mail to quite a number of people – many of which I have not met or even talked to for some time.

I have many surprising responses from old friends and acquaintances – short but nevertheless sweet. It was a beautiful experience to receive those responses, to get reacquainted once again.

It reminded me a of quote that a friend of mine Philip wrote in his blog as he was remembering a late friend of his whose departure was so soon and sudden.

He said, “As time goes by, I find the reason for my deep grief. Dicky always took time to greet me, here in my weblog or through emails. He dropped me a line or two, posted comments on my blog or sent emails."

Philip then added, "Such a ‘little thing’ I realize now is important in every relationship. Dicky showed me the true meaning of ‘care’. Email, SMS, a buzz on Yahoo messenger, comments on weblog, are meaningful in nurturing friendship.”

He is right. Those small gestures are meaningful in nurturing friendship. Thanks for sharing, pal.

Too much of a coincidence

I visited a funeral of a dear friend’s father today. It was Sunday morning and yet it took me about an hour to get there. I had not slept well the night before. But I did not care. I ‘had to’ go. I needed to go. It was too much of a coincidence. And I shall tell you why.

She was a student of mine about three years ago. We kept in touch once in a while but never really got to talk. She joined my client’s company just when I was about to start my sabbatical. So we never really got a chance to work together either.

About three weeks ago, I was meeting that ex-client of mine (her supervisor) for lunch and there she was in the same restaurant. We sat together - she, my client, another friend and I - and we had a good laugh. I promised her that we would have our own coffee.

And we did. We met last Wednesday evening. We had a good long conversation over dinner and coffee –about everything and about nothing. I enjoyed every minute of it. (I really did, Rin, I did not even need to try or to pretend ;)) Such a lovely loving person.

Last night I came home at about midnight and I could not sleep. I did my prayer. During which I received her SMS. Her father passed away due to sudden heart attack.

Now tell me I did not need to go the funeral – after all the recent series of unexpected encounters. It was too much of a coincidence.

So I went there this morning. I learned that her father was a great man, judging by the strong positive impressions that I gathered from people who attended the funeral.

Her father just arrived from a social project trip last night, broke the fast at home, did his night prayer and felt unwell. He went to the hospital. And the rest is history.

Such a peaceful parting process in the last week of the holy month of Ramadhan. He must have been an extraordinary man.

I met my friend briefly – there were so many people –, said my prayer and expressed my condolences. Then I went home.

I am not sure what to make of this. I am still unsure why we need to meet after all this time. And why now? What can I do for her? What can I learn from her? I am still unsure. I know there is something. There has got to be something. This is too much of a coincidence.

Stay strong. Your father is in good hands. And so are you.

So sorry

I had a dream two nights ago. A dream that set my mood yesterday – although nobody noticed (except the two friends whom I (always) confide in – my dear old personal ‘trash can’).

In the dream, I was having a good time. I chatted. I laughed. I remember feeling happy. Somebody hugged me from behind, as a friend. I thought it was that person whom I am quite close at the moment.

I continued being happy and having a goodtime. Until that person passed in front of me. So, I thought, who was it that has hugged me from behind?

I turned around. It was you. You looked sad. You are sad – in the dream and I know for certain in real life as well.

We used to be close friends. I used to be there for you and you for me. You are still there for me but I am not anymore. You are going through the toughest times of your life. You have told me your stories. Yet I have chosen not to be part of it. I have chosen to avoid being there for you.

I am so sorry. I am so selfish. I am so sorry. I woke up. The dream was a wake up call.

The following morning, I opened my computer and logged in to my yahoo account. First priority was to say hi to you. To ask how you are doing. Buzz.

You were unwell. You were restless. Your world has been turned upside down. And I chose not to be there for you. Hope it is not too late for me to once again be a friend to you.

Happy birthday

To one of the most loving and lovable friends I know.
Wishing you the best God can ever give to you, or anyone. Always.

Pic: Those two personal angels of yours

I know you.. You are me!

It has happened again. I have met me – or part of me. Well, people that reminds me of me. I understand them. I understand where they are coming from. And I see what I can become. I see what I could have become. Some were good, some – I am glad I decided not to be.

One asked how I could know her so well. I had a hard time answering that question at that time. It took me a while to say, to realize or to admit: “Because you are me. The decisions that you are making, I have made that as well and lived the consequences. The anxieties and hurt that you are feeling, I have felt that as well. But somewhere along the line, we have decided to take on different routes.”

I have said a lot to them. I have asked a lot of questions. I have given them many of my two-cent. The truth is, those will be the questions, the answers, and the advices that I would have given to myself as well. I was not only talking to them, I was talking to me.

Obviously I have not learned my lesson yet, because I am still telling me this. Because I am still experiencing this through my own experience or through meeting them. Because it still hurts even as I am writing this. I am not over that yet. I am still learning.

Another said: “You learn your lessons anywhere, everywhere. It is just a matter of how we see things.”

I keep saying thanks to various people from whom I have learned so much. And I will say it again: thank you. To my friends. To brothers and sisters. Mom and Dad - of course. To strangers. To God. From the bottom of my heart.

And I want to say thanks to two people in particular: Mbak Lita and Ong - of Maverick. Both of whom have been my supervisors. my mentors and my friends from Day One of my working years. I could not have survived this far without you both.

Separations, divorces

Sad but true. Every month or even week, I hear that someone is getting separated, divorced. Even some of my friends who are at the same age or even younger than I am.

They must have gone through quite an emotional roller coaster to come to such decision. Separations always leave deep scars, deeper than we realize or want to admit.

Sad but true. Or is it?

In my opinion, sometimes, most of the times, it is better that way. Some are naturally left with bitterness but they seem to be a better person after the separation.

Not that I am advising everybody to get divorced. I am sure they all saw it as a last resort. I do too. Nobody wants to get divorced. But a last resort is still an option that we can take once we see no better way to go about it.

There is a quote that I like from the book “Conversation with God”:
“If you both agree at a conscious level that the purpose of your relationship is to create opportunity, not an obligation – an opportunity for growth, for full self expression, for lifting your lives to their highest potential, for healing every false thought or small idea you ever had about you, and for ultimate reunion with Go through the communion of your two souls – if you take that vow instead of the vows you have been taking – the relationship has begun on a very good note. It is gotten off on the right foot. That is a very good beginning.”

When I read this, I thought, wow, now how many of us have thought about this as a purpose of our relationship? Have I myself ever thought of it this way, however sensible the statement seems to me?

And here the quote was just referring to starting a relationship – not even about maintaining it. A long journey that is worth taking, given the right purpose, the right partner and the right attitude.

(Friends, please take good care of your heart. We do a lot of ‘practical’ things to mend our lives from those relationships but often neglect our emotional state. And please do not see this as a ‘failure’. It takes guts and honesty to make such decision. Love you.)

Happy birthday to a friend

… a dear friend, a beautiful person.

I know you like this song. This is the only song that I have ever heard you sing along to.

Losing my religion
by: REM

Life is bigger
It’s bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I’ve said too much
I set it up

That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don’t know if I can do it
Oh no I’ve said too much
I haven’t said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I’m
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no I’ve said too much
I set it up

Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I’ve said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

Have a peaceful birthday - full of simple happiness and love. If only you realized how precious, gifted and blessed you really are. Take care.