"For mom, dad and my little sisters.."

The conversation happened the other day when my sister visited a doctor with her nine years old daughter.

The doctor was looking at my niece when suddenly he asked her, “Do you often recite al-fatihah (the first surah in Al Qur’an which is said to be the mother of all surah)?”

She said. “Yes.”

He asked again, “for whom?”

To which my niece innocently and casually answered, “For mom, dad and my younger sisters.”

Ooowh. And I suddenly felt like the most egocentric person in the whole earth. When was the last time I did that? She does it all the time and I cannot remember when was the last time I recite a surah for other people.

The doctor turned his head to my sister and said, "You know, if and when you go to heaven, it will be because of your daughter and her prayer for you."

Tell me, when was the last time you recite a verse from the quran, the bible or whatever for your mom and dad? When was the last time you pray for them?

Program anak asuh

Friends, this is a program that is organized by a dear friend of mine, Gantina, to help ensure needy children can enjoy their education. It is a small and personal project worth supporting. Anybody who wants to participate in the program can e-mail me and I shall provide her details.

Apology to non-Indonesian readers for the proposal is in Indonesian.



Additional note from Gantina:

kami memberikan laporan kegiatan via email secara berkala:
- per bulan,
- per semester dan
- per tahun.
Detil jenis laporan tercantum di dalam proposal slide.

Ttg seleksi anak asuh, sampai saat ini metodenya masih seperti ini:
1. Sosialisasi program ke sekolah2 (Okt '06 - Feb '07)
2. Kandidat mengisi & mengembalikan formulir pendaftaran (Feb-Mar '07)
3. Seleksi administrasi & interview (Apr - Mei '07)
4. Pengumuman hasil (Mei - Jun '07)

Syarat administrasi umum:
1. Muslim
2. Dari keluarga tidak mampu
3. Prestasi akademik baik (minimal 7.0 selama 1 tahun)

Tentang memilih anak asuh
Untuk sementara ini pemilihan anak asuh yang diterima berdasarkan jumlah konfirmasi dana yang dari pihak donatur untuk suatu tahun ajaran.
Jadi kita dapet konfirmasi dulu budgetnya, baru cari anaknya.

So far kita udah dapet konfirmasi untuk 12 orang anak.
Jadi mungkin untuk saringan ke-1 akan kita ambil 20-25 anak untuk ikut interview.
Kalo mau milih anak bisa setelah ada hasil interview (sekitar bulan april 2007).

Untuk tahun ajaran depan sih udah sekitar 30-an anak yang menyatakan keinginkan untuk mendaftar (tingkat SD-SMP). Dan kemungkinan masih akan bertambah karena kita sosialisai sampe Februari 2007.

Mudah2an bisa dimengerti. Tapi kalo mau tanya lebih lanjut juga bisa hub aku langsung kok.

salam
Gantina


Start doing something. Anything.

Losing my profession

A slight modification of REM’s losing my religion – which I sometimes think I have lost several times in my life

If you really know me in person these days, you might be one of those persons who wonders “So what does she do anyway nowadays? What is her actual profession?”

I told my friend earlier today as I was sending her my notes on the religious discussion I attended: “I think I have lost my profession. I am not sure what it is anymore.”

Her answer could not have been better, “I thought your profession was (to be) “a happy person”. Stay “a happy person”-lah. It is the best profession in the world!”

She is right. I forgot. Thank you, Ta, for the reminder. A good friend.

I supposed Quraish Shihab was right when he said environment (friends) is the most important thing. It is my environment/friends who make me or break me, who has made me what I am today. Thank you, friends.

- Gee, this is so in line with your interpretation on my description of that box and stairs in the desert, Ta (This is another 'Ta’). Without the dates (kurma) tree, of course. I do believe it is the people around me that have made me what I am today. Spot on, girlfriend. -

A happy person

I had the nicest introduction from a friend yesterday.

I went to her office and met some of her colleagues. “Eva,” she said, “this is so and so the managing director, this is so and so the account director and this is so and so who is a manager here.”

“And this is Eva,” she continued. “She used to work for such and such and such and such PR consultancies, and she is now..”

She paused for a bit before she added, “a happy person.”

We laughed. But I really like that. The only definition of me that she could come up with was ‘a happy person’. I like that. Thank you. I could not have said it better myself.

So sorry

I had a dream two nights ago. A dream that set my mood yesterday – although nobody noticed (except the two friends whom I (always) confide in – my dear old personal ‘trash can’).

In the dream, I was having a good time. I chatted. I laughed. I remember feeling happy. Somebody hugged me from behind, as a friend. I thought it was that person whom I am quite close at the moment.

I continued being happy and having a goodtime. Until that person passed in front of me. So, I thought, who was it that has hugged me from behind?

I turned around. It was you. You looked sad. You are sad – in the dream and I know for certain in real life as well.

We used to be close friends. I used to be there for you and you for me. You are still there for me but I am not anymore. You are going through the toughest times of your life. You have told me your stories. Yet I have chosen not to be part of it. I have chosen to avoid being there for you.

I am so sorry. I am so selfish. I am so sorry. I woke up. The dream was a wake up call.

The following morning, I opened my computer and logged in to my yahoo account. First priority was to say hi to you. To ask how you are doing. Buzz.

You were unwell. You were restless. Your world has been turned upside down. And I chose not to be there for you. Hope it is not too late for me to once again be a friend to you.

Happy birthday

To one of the most loving and lovable friends I know.
Wishing you the best God can ever give to you, or anyone. Always.

Pic: Those two personal angels of yours

Travel note: Umroh

Last week I took a one-week trip to Mecca and Medinah in Saudi Arabia to do what the Moslem called Umroh. Coincidently, I went at the start of fasting month of Ramadhan. There are so many things I want to share with you, but I have to choose. Otherwise, I will bore you to death with the details.

The word “umroh” means “to enrich one’s soul”. Every single ritual we do during Umroh is full of symbols that lead to enriching our soul. So there I was. Trying to enrich my soul. To find the peace that is often lost in the midst of my everyday life. To rediscover my faith. To talk to God. To talk WITH God.

I brought my usual prayer book. But without meaning to be arrogant, I found that it was more suitable for me to just say what I want to say with no help from any book. Just say it with my own words, from the bottom of my heart, directly to Him, as frequently as I can.

The most solemn times were the middle of the nights where I walked around ka’bah by myself. I did not even have any specific prayer or wishes, except to communicate with God, to renew my promise to always be in His Godly environment, and if I may, to be one with God. I did not have a specific prayer. I did not have to. He knows.

And how I love being there during the fasting month of Ramadhan. You should see how packed the mosques were at any time of the day. You should see how people sitting side by side regardless of their socio-economic status or their origins.

You should see how people gather to break their fast, and they always bring more food than they need – to share with others. I came to the mosque with nothing but water and I ended up with a handful of dates, yogurt, Arabic coffee and a huge chunk of bread. How beautiful is the spirit of sharing. Love it to bits.

Of course, there are still a lot to be learned. I still need to find my balance. Compared to other people, I shopped less and I have very few interests in the city tours that we did or with the lengthened chitchat. I just wanted to focus on my prayers and invocations. I was worried whether my comfort with being alone with God was getting too far.

I also have lost my temper a couple of times. I still could not stand people being too laid back about schedule and appointments – I find it disrespectful to other people. I still could not hold myself from protesting of whatever I think is unfair or unprofessional (based on my perfectionist standard).

But all in all, it was truly a worthwhile experience. This was the third time I went to Mecca. This time it does feel different. A friend whom I met during the umroh asked whether I have found what I came for. I would gladly say yes. Now I need to keep my promise to God: to always be in His Godly environment.

Thank you God, for everything, for always. You are indeed very kind.

PS: I traveled with Quraish Shihab and took some short notes of his speech. Those of you who want to read the note, please e-mail me so that I can e-mail it to you.

Peace in Ramadhan: Animals know better

(why the heck do I put two threads on Ramadhan anyway? Well first, I forgot where I had put the text for this thread. Second, because I want to. Third, because this is my blog and I can do whatever I want with it).

Why do I put pictures of animals for Ramadhan article, you ask. Here is the process. I was flipping through my pictures and promised myself to stop at the first pictures that reminds me of Ramadhan in a split second. When I saw these pictures, I immediately went "aaawwwwhhh", so sweet, so refreshing, so calm. peace. happy.

And that is what I hope Ramadhan may bring to me, to us all: peace and happiness. Within. An internal and internalized process to rejuvenate the soul, to create peace, to search for peace, to do peace. To be peace.

Enjoy a good Ramadhan. A peaceful one. Within.

I can hear my cat Miauw laughing and saying "hah, I told you so. And you thought you were the higher being."

Holy month, humble wishes

It is that time of the lunar year again when all (well, ok, granted, not all) Moslems are fasting. A holy month when hundreds of years ago the Moslems believe the holy book has ‘descended’ to earth through the prophet Muhammad for the first time.

To all who observe the Ramadhan, may we gain much more than just hunger and thirst. In hunger and thirst, we remind ourselves of our brother and sisters who are not as fortunate as we are. In hunger and thirst, we remind ourselves of no reason to be proud. In hunger and thirst, we remind ourselves of God and of being god-like.

To all, I apologize for the wrongs that I might have thought, said or done. I apologize to you and I ask God for His forgiveness.

May we all – all of us, moslems and non-moslems -- be touched by the grandness, peace and love shared in this month. Be aware that God is within each and every one of us. And that ultimately, He is the only way to go, whichever our belief system is.

Return to the true meaning of Islam: a complete surrender to God. In peace. Happy Ramadhan, y'all!!

Still in the school of emotion

I am in that mood again. One in which I do not feel like talking or chit chatting – imagine that, me not like talking. I would rather stay in my room with my notebook and its Internet connection. Lights off. With nobody around. With no music turned on.

Writing this. Or chatting with certain people – a selected bunch of people (if only they knew how selected they were). Look at me. Just after writing the previous article about perspective, I am writing this article.

The school of emotion. Very important. What a challenging task for a person as moody as I am. Obviously I have not graduated yet. Enough said.

Except to add: I am so looking forward to my next trip to Mecca. Miss You. Miss me. Miss Us. I should not have. I do not have any reason to because You are always with me, We are always together. But there You have it. In the school of emotion.

- Hi Floor, are you still breathing the environment as beautifully as you used to? -

I know you.. You are me!

It has happened again. I have met me – or part of me. Well, people that reminds me of me. I understand them. I understand where they are coming from. And I see what I can become. I see what I could have become. Some were good, some – I am glad I decided not to be.

One asked how I could know her so well. I had a hard time answering that question at that time. It took me a while to say, to realize or to admit: “Because you are me. The decisions that you are making, I have made that as well and lived the consequences. The anxieties and hurt that you are feeling, I have felt that as well. But somewhere along the line, we have decided to take on different routes.”

I have said a lot to them. I have asked a lot of questions. I have given them many of my two-cent. The truth is, those will be the questions, the answers, and the advices that I would have given to myself as well. I was not only talking to them, I was talking to me.

Obviously I have not learned my lesson yet, because I am still telling me this. Because I am still experiencing this through my own experience or through meeting them. Because it still hurts even as I am writing this. I am not over that yet. I am still learning.

Another said: “You learn your lessons anywhere, everywhere. It is just a matter of how we see things.”

I keep saying thanks to various people from whom I have learned so much. And I will say it again: thank you. To my friends. To brothers and sisters. Mom and Dad - of course. To strangers. To God. From the bottom of my heart.

And I want to say thanks to two people in particular: Mbak Lita and Ong - of Maverick. Both of whom have been my supervisors. my mentors and my friends from Day One of my working years. I could not have survived this far without you both.

A matter of perspective

If you are, ehm, an avid reader, then you know that I am a freelancer. Three months and counting, heyyyy, cool (me giving a pat on my own back).

The truth: I was worried for a while. The number in the account is going down. Damned, I think, I am not pulling my weight here. The old pal called anxiety strikes again. I had no clue what I would do next month. I have got to find another project.

I learned that there might be some delays in the payment from my recent project. Greeeaatt. (I was about to say shit, but, oops, ok, there I have said it). Should I make a case out of it? I decided not to.

Then, I thought, what the hell am I saying? (sorry for the choice of words in this article). I have chosen and still choose to be in this situation. I actually have enough to survive for quite some time. I am ok. I calmed down. I asked the Lord and myself for forgiveness. And I thank Him (or Her?). I feel grateful. Again.

Suddenly, I really did calm down. I am ok. I know it might sounds like a mumbo jumbo but after that things started to fall into places. Got some calls. Got some possibilities (some are sure deals). And I am ok.

I am telling you. It is a mind game. It is all a mind game. Or the trilogy of body-mind-soul game. Whatever you desire to be, you just be. And among the most powerful “being” is being grateful.

If you feel your life sucks, open your eyes and look around you. Look within and do some changes. Believe me, you would not want to change places with any other person. I know I would not.

Separations, divorces

Sad but true. Every month or even week, I hear that someone is getting separated, divorced. Even some of my friends who are at the same age or even younger than I am.

They must have gone through quite an emotional roller coaster to come to such decision. Separations always leave deep scars, deeper than we realize or want to admit.

Sad but true. Or is it?

In my opinion, sometimes, most of the times, it is better that way. Some are naturally left with bitterness but they seem to be a better person after the separation.

Not that I am advising everybody to get divorced. I am sure they all saw it as a last resort. I do too. Nobody wants to get divorced. But a last resort is still an option that we can take once we see no better way to go about it.

There is a quote that I like from the book “Conversation with God”:
“If you both agree at a conscious level that the purpose of your relationship is to create opportunity, not an obligation – an opportunity for growth, for full self expression, for lifting your lives to their highest potential, for healing every false thought or small idea you ever had about you, and for ultimate reunion with Go through the communion of your two souls – if you take that vow instead of the vows you have been taking – the relationship has begun on a very good note. It is gotten off on the right foot. That is a very good beginning.”

When I read this, I thought, wow, now how many of us have thought about this as a purpose of our relationship? Have I myself ever thought of it this way, however sensible the statement seems to me?

And here the quote was just referring to starting a relationship – not even about maintaining it. A long journey that is worth taking, given the right purpose, the right partner and the right attitude.

(Friends, please take good care of your heart. We do a lot of ‘practical’ things to mend our lives from those relationships but often neglect our emotional state. And please do not see this as a ‘failure’. It takes guts and honesty to make such decision. Love you.)

A change of mind, a change of mine

I have always thought of myself as an open-minded person. I also thought that I am a strong supporter of appreciating other people’s religion. I said that I respect all religions and (I thought) treat all religions with the same respect.

That was, until about two years ago, a dear friend, whom I somehow always think of as my big sister, asked me: “If your child tells you that he/she want to switch religion, will you accept it?” I told her, at that time: no. Does this imply that I do not treat all religions with the same respect? Does this mean I contradict myself?

A couple of days ago, I SMS-ed her. I reminded her of her question. I reminded her what my answer was. And I said: I would like to change my answer. I am ready to change my answer.

Her response was so touching for me. Loosely and partly translated: Now you understand that the task of the parents is only to open the way – to initiate the child to start seeing, to start walking. The (end) decision is really up to the individual.

Thanks, sis. Sorry it took so long for me to learn it.

The richest people in the world

I was listening to Quraish Shihab, an Indonesian Moslem preacher, the other day. He talked about fasting and the beautiful names of God.

He said that during the fast, Moslems try to mimic God’s characters. One in particular that he mentioned was, in Arabic, Al ghani al mughni – The Rich The Enriching One.

What interested me most was when he referred Al Ghazali and said that the definition of rich here does not refer to having the most money in the world. Rich here is the feeling that we do not need anything more.

In Ghazali’s exact term (as exact as translation may be): the really rich (man) is the one who does not need anyone at all. The one who has no need for anything except God Most High.

This may be way out of our league, so I shall settle with the definition of feeling fulfilled, feeling grateful of what we have. It is all in the state of mind (or rather, heart). And it does not stop there. Now that we have enough, it is time to share and to give.

A person who feels that he/she is fulfilled and thus start giving continuously – Does that not sound like the richest people in the world to you?

So vain

This thought has actually crossed my mind several times. I only decide to write it now though. Finally. A hard headed high pride person such as I – you have got to hit my head more than once for me to get what you are saying. Or rather, to accept it.

First occurrence.

Meeting a new friend, a fellow traveler who has traveled longer than I am. She gave me her e-mail and blog address. I could not refrain from giving her mine.

Hers was simpler – a smart playful modification of her name. Mine was and still is “a pilgrim for life”. I felt embarrassed as I was writing it. It crossed my mind whether mine should have been humbler, simpler, and neutral. Who am I to claim that I am a pilgrim for life or even to proclaim and to announce it to the world? Show off! But time passed by. I let it pass.

Second occurrence.

A comment from stranger in the blog. He (I presume it was a he) left a link to his blog. I clicked the link and found that his was even more amazing than my first story – he did not even reveal his identity. He has poured all those great thoughts in his blog yet managed to stay anonymous. He seems to understand very well that it is the writings, the messages that are important whereas the writer can stay at the back seat or out of the car at all. I felt more embarrassed.

I thought about changing the name of the blog. But at the end I decided that I would keep the name, at least for the time being. To remind me of how vain I am. To remind me I still have a lot of pride in me. I still have a long way to go.

I traveled back in time and re-read a passage that was sent to me once by another friend. She said: “The process of self purification (nafí) continues side-by-side with everyday responsibilities, rather than as with some traditions (tariqah), whose practices often constitute no more than removal from one cultural context to another."

The passage continued, "A change in outward form does not necessarily mean inner change, so unless there is a specific reason for doing so, the public wearing of distinctive clothes, the eating of special foods, or adoption of alien customs, is avoided."

She added that this is one way which genuine Sufi groups can be marked out from pseudo-ones, who show by their desire to stand out from the crowd, an attachment to ego, rather than a lack of it.

Agree. Yet here I am still using huge name such as "a pilgrim for life" for my blog. Geez. Talk about standing out from the crowd. Oh well.

Thank you, friends. Thank you, strangers.

Showing my color

Proudly wearing my nationality on my sleeve :) The flag of Indonesia. Celebrating the 61st anniversary of its independence. The rest of my comment, see this.

Hi, how are you?

I wrote in my yahoo messenger to a friend, trying to make a conversation. She did not reply. Apparently it was a ‘zombie’ – where the user seems online but he or she is not.

Oh well. Then the next morning she buzzed me. What’s up, she asked. Nothing, I said, just wanted to know how you were. Does anything have to be up? I did not know that I need a reason to call a friend other than just want to know how he or she is.

The previous time was even worse. When I called up another friend to say hi, she asked how she could help me. She said in this modern world, when people called up other people, where was always something. People are just too busy to call for a chat and nothing else.

Sad but there is some truth in it. This so-called modern society has gotten into a strictly business stop-wasting-my-time-if-you-have-nothing-to-say mode, full of vested interest. Ck, no, I should not be this skeptic.

A reminder of how all great leaders of religions have always advised the importance of maintaining bonds among friends and neighbors, of the beauty of smile and of the simple gesture of greetings.

Can we do that? Smile to other people. Say hi to friends. Greet the janitors or security guards or whomever you pass by. Say thank you for every little favor a person has done for us. Can we?

- Aah, this reminds me of your Smile campaign, Ai :) -

The mouse is in the house!

Literally. Even ‘worse’, there was a mouse in my room last night. Yuck, you say. Yeah, part of the consequence of living in a tropical country, having your room next to a garden, and opening your window at night.

I could not sleep. The thought of there was a mouse that might suddenly jump over me did bother me. Then my mind started to wonder.

I was thinking what if the mouse gets into my open suitcase – which was just lying on the floor half-packed for tomorrow. Perhaps I should zip it. Then I thought well, on the other side of the room lied my mom’s suitcase. Will it be too selfish of me to just zip my suitcase only and not hers?

The mind shifted to dear old Mom. I recited a prayer for her. And Dad.

My thoughts then went to the people who had to live with mouse etc in their houses – perhaps those who live in the refugee camps or slump areas. Mouse bites are very dangerous to children yet they can do very little about it.

I started to do my invocation (or dzikr in Arabic).

Poor little mouse, I thought. It was just trying to find its way out of my room. It too was afraid of the situation and perhaps was panicking. It did not mean any harm. We are all just trying to survive and live our lives.

I was calming down. I continued my invocation. The mouse found its way out of the room through the same window it went in from. My room was once again in total silence. My mind was at peace.

It is amazing what thoughts a little mouse can trigger. Perhaps God was running out of options on how to wake me up in the middle of the night for a chat.

Family death

In this last two weeks, I have attended two funerals. Two uncles of mine have passed away, one of lung cancer and the other of diabetes. May they rest in peace. Kind people.

In addition to feeling sad, I am always amazed how funerals can get all the family, relatives and friends together. They always manage to work hand in hand to ensure that the deceased has a proper burial. In less than 24 hours, we get all things done – efficiently and solemnly. Why cannot we do the same for other family get-together events such as weddings or birthdays?

They said attending funerals is one way to remind us of our own death. Imagine how we feel when we see our own body lies there. Imagine how we feel when they put our body into the coffin. Imagine how we feel to see our loved ones cried over us. Imagine the kind of things that we have not done or said to our family. Imagine what will happen after the burial has finished and we are left alone. What will happen after that?

To me, funerals always reminds me of my late father. It reminds me of how I too will part with my own immediate family, sooner or later - not sure whether it will be sooner or later, unsure whether I will go first or last. It makes me think –

Death also brings about many questions. Have I done all the things that I want to do or is there still anything that I will regret the day I die? Have I lived the way I am supposed to live? What will happen after we die? Will we go to heaven or hell? Is there heaven or hell? Will we reincarnate or is this the only life we have? Can the dead really visit the living? Will we meet those who have died earlier? Will we see the angels and the Big Guy?

My late uncles were good people. May they rest in peace. May we all have peace, even before we die.

Two more questions: Are we ready to die now? Why are people so afraid of dying?