(is it that) Hard to say I am sorry

Why do we wait for Idul Fitri to say "I am sorry" ? Do we know what mistakes we have made? Do we even care?

Perhaps it is just something we take for granted, are just too proud to say so or are too afraid of the consequences. So we assume that those who are dear to us will forgive and forget. We let it pass by, despite knowing that there are occasions when we hurt their feelings.

I know this is true for my case. I cannot possibly wait one whole year for Idul Fitri to say how sorry I am. There will just be too many mistakes. And I truly love my family and friends too much to let the hurt lingers for the whole year.

My aunt has a noble habit of saying "please forgive me" every time we part. She said during that particular time we meet she may have hurt my feeling. She does not know whether she lives long enough to postpone saying I am sorry to another time. Good point.

I do not mean apologizing during Idul Fitri is bad. In fact, it goes with the overall theme of purifying ourselves. Plus there is never a bad time to say I am sorry, um, I think. It is also a good excuse to stay in touch with families and friends (ask the post office, fixed-phone and GSM network providers).

Now Idul Fitri has passed. Welcome back, people, to the everyday life. A time when we can and will make mistakes to ourselves and to other people. Do we really have to wait for next year's Idul Fitri before once again we say how sorry we are?

A question I ask more to myself rather than to other people.

Would you? He is your father..

I was driving my car on my way to the office when I saw an old male garbage collector, sleeping on the pavement just beside his garbage cart. Probably out of tiredness.

Then I thought, what if he were my father and I happened to pass by in my friend’s car with my friends? Would I say, hey, that’s my dad? Would I stop and say hi to him, or even help him push his cart? Or would I just look away, too ashamed to admit?

I don’t know the answer. Perhaps I am too afraid to answer.

Would you? After all, he is your father.

(Miss you, pop)

Go on, envy me. Or don’t.

“You’re one lucky bitch. I am so envious”. I have received that remarks on several occasions, especially after I started my sabbaticals. The “lucky” part I mean. Though, yes, there are occasions when I also receive the “bitch” part – but that’s another posting on its own.

My first response to the “lucky” remark was: “I know..”, with a huge smile and no remorse. Of course I know that I am lucky and I am forever thankful for that. And if you are one of the people who happens to read this writing, sipping your coffee or tea, using your (office) computer, in an air-cond room, I would consider yourself lucky as well.

I sometimes question why, Why envy me? Would you trade place with me? You are just saying that because you don’t know the complete story of my life or all those not-so-positive things about me (am using euphemism here). If you do, you would probably change your mind.

You see, everyone comes in a package. You cannot have just the luck part of my life. You have to have every aspect of my life along with its complexities. Then you need to apply the cause-effect principle. You change one aspect of yourself, you will cause (unexpected) changes in other aspects.

Me? My life is far from what people might define as “an ideal life”. Yet there is not a time when I want to trade place with anyone. Ever. My life is just as what God has planned it to be, thank you. Along with all of God’s little (and big) jokes on me.

So go on, envy me if you want. But I suggest you stick to what you have and work on it.

... lebaran sebentar lagi ..

Loose translation to the title: "Idul Fitri is just a moment away." It is a line from a popular muslim song sung by Indonesian group called Bimbo.

Idul Fitri literally means return to purity or a pure state (of human). It is a victorious day celebrated after the Ramadhan month, when human tries to fight the evil inside them. Thus Happy Idul Fitri means congratulations on returning to your pure state. Presumably.

This brings me to my first question: what does “a pure state of human” mean? What is pure anyhow? Can we really return to that state when we are pure – without any sin at all?

Another question: After a month of fasting in Ramadhan, how many of us have really managed to return to our pure form?

If the answer is no or don’t know to one of those questions, then what are we celebrating? Do we have the right or reason to celebrate?

Or perhaps the line is not that harsh. Perhaps it is not the result that counts – nobody knows the result except Him and we are certainly not Him - Who are we to judge? Perhaps it is more to the effort - How hard or consistent we have tried to fight the demon within us.

Thus, we congratulate those who have tried to do so. Since we are not the judge of other people’s or even our own effort, then we just positively assume everybody tries and all people deserve to be congratulated.

So to all who read this write-up: Happy Idul Fitri to all, and to all a good night. (oh, so original)