Slow down

Such a wise invitation from a friend:

Slow down. Let our body and mind relax. Let us live with our heart instead.

Look, feel, smell and touch everything around us -- the floor, the wall, the house, the road, the tree, the people, the car, the paper, the words, the language, the music, the sounds, the flower, anything -- each second each day.

Release all our wants, needs, hopes, expectations, and thoughts. Breathe slowly with only one thing in our heart: I am Yours, God. Let Him work with us. Accept anything and everything each day He may give us.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

Lead me O Lord, to see the truth of me.
Forgive me O Lord, for never could surrender faithfully to You.
Help me O Lord, as I am your lost shepherd.

-thank you-

The hurting time

A song by Annie Lennox.

To everything there is a purpose
To every blade of grass
And every leaf on every tree
Every living thing will surely come to pass
And what will be will be

That's when the hurting time begins

And all the things you never said
Or didn't have the strengh to say
And everything you ever did
That time won't ever wash away
Fears that you've been living with
Gonna leave their trace
Tears that you´ve been living with
Come running down your face
Running down your face

That's when the hurting time begins

So tell me what the day brings
Has it lost its thrill?
Are you still searching
Hoping for that space to fill
Everything you turn to
Is like a mirror on the shelf
And the only one you're blaming is yourself

A million little deaths you've died
The times that you've been crucified
The more you've loved and lost and tried
And still could not be satisfied
When will you be satisfied?
When will you be satisfied?

Not until the hurting time begins

What are your desires?

Our spanish teacher asked us that question the other day as practice. My friends asked for many health, prosperity, many travels abroad, etc.

My answer: a bath, massage and hot mint tea.

Will I ever stop?

A question a friend of mine asked to me recently.

I have been travelling and moving all my life. So he asked the question: "will you ever stop and settle down?".

My answer: "I don't know. I don't think I will. But I tell you this much: I believe that God is guiding me through life. I believe in God's guidance. I will know when I should stop and when to move on, sometimes without knowing why. Doesn't matter. I believe He will guide me, and I will be fine."

I am not sure why I gave that answer. It just popped out of my mouth. Just like that. Just like everything else that happens in my life.

You're too kind, Lord. I like it ;)

It is the small things, you know

These are the words from one of my friends in Seville.

All those clichés – it is the small things; you do not know what you have got until you lose it – they are so true.

Think of these: When was the last time we feel grateful about:
- Our family and friends
- That shouting and laughter from your brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews
- Being able to speak the language without thinking
- Knowing where to buy everything, or better yet, anything
- The warmth and the sun (oh, the sun)
- The extra blanket or heater when you need one
- The warm strong douche after a long day
- The afternoon or all-day shopping
- The warm rice, dried or friend (gurame!) fish, sambal (chilly paste) and krupuk (crackers); snacks from the street hawkers – cannot take the Indonesian out of this girl
- The hot meal that is prepared by our dear-old mom (ok, my mom)
- Our pets (yes, my cat and late chicken)
- Getting up or walking to school or office without being frozen (again, MY car)
- The celebrity gossip shows on TV (yes, even that)
- That small garbage bin in your room
- The 10 year-old long pillow or blanket that is oh so comfy

All those small things you have taken for granted. Until you are in a new country in a new apartment with completely new set of people with no language to speak and no escaping the winter plus a lot of studying and homework to do.

Ok, it is not that bad. In fact, it is not bad at all. But yes, I miss them all. I miss you all. There, I have said it.

Then again, as my friends at Maverick will say, (in Italian accent) This is nothin!! I am so lucky. Lucky. Lucky.

ps: I wrote this piece on one afternoon under the sun at one of the terrace by a garden in Seville, sipping warm tea with a friend. (Hi Floor! I wonder if you will ever read this. Thank you). That was also nice, very nice. It is indeed in the small things. Always.

Habla Habla Habla

Or talk, talk, talk.

I have to hand it to you: the Spanish talks a lot. In the tapas (snack) bars, for instance, there is practically little music or TV, just people talking, drinking and eating for hours with their in-your-face gestures, clear (ok, loud) voices and not-to-be-missed laughter.

I see couples – young and old -- or parents and children, or friends -- passing by, embracing one another and talking passionately while looking straight at their partner’s eyes.

They communicate. They wear their hearts on their sleeves. They are creating a bond between them.

Fascinating. I love it. Le me gusta!

How many of us really talk that much. I mean, really talk. With our family, partners or friends. We go to a lounge or a restaurant, where we sit, eat, drink and listen to the music but no talk. We sit in the same car, we watch the same TV at home, but there was no conversation. We are together but then again we are really alone.

Perhaps that is where we have gone wrong. Scratch that – Let us not generalize.

Perhaps that is where I have gone wrong. Perhaps this is one reason why God has put me here in Spain: to learn again how to really communicate, from the very beginning.

Yes, yes, let’s all go to Aceh

I am sorry. Am I being cynical again?

It is almost one year after the tsunami and it is like now everybody is going to Aceh to commemorate (yeeahh I wrote that word right the first time) the tsunami in Aceh last year.

I do not mean it in a bad way. In fact, hats off to all people who have devoted their time to help rebuild Aceh. I spent a short three weeks there for a project several months ago and it stressed the hell out of me.

My first thought when I arrived in Aceh was that there were so many foreigners (meaning: people originated outside of Aceh). Too many. I supposed too many might be better than too few. Though I am not so sure about this.

I was just thinking – how does the Acehnese feel about this? It is like suddenly all people want to enter your home and help you rebuild it. Before you know it some of them have started to tell you what to do as if you do not know better.

I was just thinking – are we really marching to the same drumbeat here? Are we going to the same direction? It just does not seem like it.

I was just thinking – would it not be better if it is the Acehnese is the one who lead all these developments? The others help – only help, support. Or is this the case? Let me think – no. I am sticking to my skeptical self.

So let’s all think before we put up front our angelic self and step out to save the world: Are we doing this for them or for our selfish selves? Are we really making things better or worse? Is there a way to make us even more useful?

Which is worse: doing something with a bad intension, doing something with a good intension but turned out to worsen the condition, or not doing anything at all? I don’t know. I am curious though.

Comfort zone no more

Imagine: you live in your own city with a good family, great friends, and a steady career. All factors that literally define our comfort zone.

Now imagine: you intentionally take yourselves out of that situation - in a new country that speaks no language you understand, without any friends or family. You are stepping out of your comfort zone.

That is what I am doing right now. I have taken my sabbatical leave to take a step back from my own life, moved to a new country to learn the language. I have got more than what I initially bargained for.

You see I have always been arrogant enough to think that I am so independent that I will instantly be fine in any kind of (new) environment or situation. I should have known better.

I must admit. On the first couple of days, I was lost. The perfectionist high-achieving me has to admit that I am not as good or capable as I thought I am. Arrogant, I know. Aren’t we all?

Two weeks have gone by. I have started to make new friends. I know mostly the streets that I should know (and I have a map for those I don’t). I have started to speak the language. I have more or less settled in my new routine. I am starting to get more comfortable with my new situation. (Start is obviously the operative word here).

I am making this my new comfort zone. Yet I still have my city, my family, my friends and my work back home as my other comfort zone. (Lucky me, I know).

So let me rephrase my previous statement. I am not stepping out of my comfort zone. I am expanding my comfort zone. To make a better me.

So God help me, and us all.

ps: I shall try to make a special blog for my Spanish journey

(is it that) Hard to say I am sorry

Why do we wait for Idul Fitri to say "I am sorry" ? Do we know what mistakes we have made? Do we even care?

Perhaps it is just something we take for granted, are just too proud to say so or are too afraid of the consequences. So we assume that those who are dear to us will forgive and forget. We let it pass by, despite knowing that there are occasions when we hurt their feelings.

I know this is true for my case. I cannot possibly wait one whole year for Idul Fitri to say how sorry I am. There will just be too many mistakes. And I truly love my family and friends too much to let the hurt lingers for the whole year.

My aunt has a noble habit of saying "please forgive me" every time we part. She said during that particular time we meet she may have hurt my feeling. She does not know whether she lives long enough to postpone saying I am sorry to another time. Good point.

I do not mean apologizing during Idul Fitri is bad. In fact, it goes with the overall theme of purifying ourselves. Plus there is never a bad time to say I am sorry, um, I think. It is also a good excuse to stay in touch with families and friends (ask the post office, fixed-phone and GSM network providers).

Now Idul Fitri has passed. Welcome back, people, to the everyday life. A time when we can and will make mistakes to ourselves and to other people. Do we really have to wait for next year's Idul Fitri before once again we say how sorry we are?

A question I ask more to myself rather than to other people.

Would you? He is your father..

I was driving my car on my way to the office when I saw an old male garbage collector, sleeping on the pavement just beside his garbage cart. Probably out of tiredness.

Then I thought, what if he were my father and I happened to pass by in my friend’s car with my friends? Would I say, hey, that’s my dad? Would I stop and say hi to him, or even help him push his cart? Or would I just look away, too ashamed to admit?

I don’t know the answer. Perhaps I am too afraid to answer.

Would you? After all, he is your father.

(Miss you, pop)

Go on, envy me. Or don’t.

“You’re one lucky bitch. I am so envious”. I have received that remarks on several occasions, especially after I started my sabbaticals. The “lucky” part I mean. Though, yes, there are occasions when I also receive the “bitch” part – but that’s another posting on its own.

My first response to the “lucky” remark was: “I know..”, with a huge smile and no remorse. Of course I know that I am lucky and I am forever thankful for that. And if you are one of the people who happens to read this writing, sipping your coffee or tea, using your (office) computer, in an air-cond room, I would consider yourself lucky as well.

I sometimes question why, Why envy me? Would you trade place with me? You are just saying that because you don’t know the complete story of my life or all those not-so-positive things about me (am using euphemism here). If you do, you would probably change your mind.

You see, everyone comes in a package. You cannot have just the luck part of my life. You have to have every aspect of my life along with its complexities. Then you need to apply the cause-effect principle. You change one aspect of yourself, you will cause (unexpected) changes in other aspects.

Me? My life is far from what people might define as “an ideal life”. Yet there is not a time when I want to trade place with anyone. Ever. My life is just as what God has planned it to be, thank you. Along with all of God’s little (and big) jokes on me.

So go on, envy me if you want. But I suggest you stick to what you have and work on it.

... lebaran sebentar lagi ..

Loose translation to the title: "Idul Fitri is just a moment away." It is a line from a popular muslim song sung by Indonesian group called Bimbo.

Idul Fitri literally means return to purity or a pure state (of human). It is a victorious day celebrated after the Ramadhan month, when human tries to fight the evil inside them. Thus Happy Idul Fitri means congratulations on returning to your pure state. Presumably.

This brings me to my first question: what does “a pure state of human” mean? What is pure anyhow? Can we really return to that state when we are pure – without any sin at all?

Another question: After a month of fasting in Ramadhan, how many of us have really managed to return to our pure form?

If the answer is no or don’t know to one of those questions, then what are we celebrating? Do we have the right or reason to celebrate?

Or perhaps the line is not that harsh. Perhaps it is not the result that counts – nobody knows the result except Him and we are certainly not Him - Who are we to judge? Perhaps it is more to the effort - How hard or consistent we have tried to fight the demon within us.

Thus, we congratulate those who have tried to do so. Since we are not the judge of other people’s or even our own effort, then we just positively assume everybody tries and all people deserve to be congratulated.

So to all who read this write-up: Happy Idul Fitri to all, and to all a good night. (oh, so original)

Sub blog: Nepal and Tibet

If there is such thing called sub blog. But anyway..

I have created a separate blog to share my impressions on my recent trip to Nepal and Tibet. One month trip to the rooftop of the world with three of my dear trekker-wannabe friends: Arthur, Chitra and Intan.

Highly recommended for a test of physical and emotional stamina as well as a test of friendship.

This reminds me of a Japanese saying: "In traveling, a companion. In life, compassion." Those chance encounters are what keep us going. Love you, guys.

the link is: http://pilgrimnepaltibet.blogspot.com/ . Enjoy.

Taking a sabbatical leave

So I have decided to take a one-year sabbatical leave from work. A one year unpaid leave from the office and basically full-time 9-to-5 working life.

Why? Answer: why not?
Why? Answer: Because I want to.
Won’t you get bored? Answer: nope. I don't think so. I know me.
What will you do? Answer: Nepal/Tibet, social works, Spain. The rest is just details.

It was to tell you the truth a natural and relatively easy decision. I am totally aware that I am (temporarily) leaving the stable, however crazy and hectic, life that I have. I know that the office will do just fine without me - nobody is indispensible. More importantly, selfishly, I also know that it is time for me to do so. How do I know? I just do. End of story.

Do you know?

The word Pilgrim was derived from the Latin per agrum “through the field”. It suggests a curious soul who walks beyond known boundaries, crosses fields, and touches the earth with a destination in mind and a purpose in heart.

Be safe and well
Peace, love, and courage
(An Egyptian farewell for those leaving on a pilgrimage)