Go to: Chipping In

This would be my last entry in Pilgrim for Life.

Remember when I said I was starting to be uncomfortable with the name pilgrim for life? Well, guess what, the feeling has gotten stronger and stronger. So I am changing my blog's name.

From now on, I shall write my thoughts in Chipping In .

But I shall not delete this blog, however uncomfortable I am with the name. Because this blog has been a part of my journey, and an important part as well.

Thank you for walking the journey with me. Thanks for the support. Keep reading. And let's start doing something. Anything.

The umbrella boy

I wanted to have lunch at the canteen at the back of my office building. It was raining. So I called one of those boys who rent out umbrellas for the pedestrians.

He walked beside me in the rain. Of course, I chatted with him – cannot have a living being (note: not only human) standing beside me without me chatting with him/her.

I asked him why he was not at school. He said he has graduated from the high school of economics and now he is unemployed. He wanted to enroll in a higher degree education but he has not money.

Do you know how many Indonesians have graduated from high school or higher? About 23%. More than 20% do not even graduate from elementary school. (data: Statistics Center Bureau, 2004)

So if a high school graduate can only rent out umbrella for a mere five thousand rupiah or less (about fifty cents US dollar) during rainy days, imagine those have received a lower level education.

Tell me we do not have a problem. Tell me we can continue living our lives the way we do. Tell me we can ignore the suffering of the less fortunates.

Start doing something. Anything.

Out of the comfort zone

I told my ex boss that my new office has started to cc me in some of the e-mails. I even received one at 11pm last night. I got suspicious of the working hours. He chuckled and said I might as well return to the old company and have less hassle.

I thank him for the suggestion and said, “I have gotten so used to you pushing me out of my comfort zone, that now I am pushing myself out of my own comfort zone.”

It is true though. Perhaps it is the only way for me to learn and to grow.

Refreshingly rich

I met several friends a couple of days ago. To put it bluntly, they are the daughters of rich and famous fathers.

But if you see them, you would not have guessed. One of the topics was that street-hawker snacks called kue cubit and how we often crave for it. Another topic was how we can help other people or even the country – and I tell you, they have done quite a lot.

You would say of course, it is easy for them to be like that. If we only know the emotional struggle they have to go through and if we only realize how many ignorant heart-less rich people there are, then we might be able to see them in a much more positive and less cynical light. We might even learn to appreciate them and to be thankful for them.

Some people can do something but are not willing. Others are willing but feel powerless.

They are among those who care, can, are willing and actually do something about it. They are the rich people - through and through.

Beautiful sunset

I was on my flight back home earlier today when I saw this beautiful sunset through the aircraft' window. The shades, the colors, and how they blend with one another. The dark clouds that floated around just add to the dramatic scenery.

I moved to the empty window-seat beside me and continued staring at the sunset. It was so beautiful. I almost cried. I actually did.

I don't think that the rest of the passengers noticed the gorgeous sight just outside their windows. I wanted to take a picture of it to show you. But I have left my camera at home. I tried turning on my mobile phone (flight mode, don't worry), but I forgot the PIN. It was not meant to be shared. It was for me only.

Thanks for the personal entertainment. It was a good end to an eventful day.

What’s my job got to do with my life?

That question came from a friend. She is a very special person spiritually. She more or less guided me when I had no one else to converse with, not about this particular subject. Yet she said that she is doing an ordinary job like any other layman. The job, she felt, has nothing to do with what she is spiritually. She is an architect, building lavish buildings and five star hotels.

So I told her a couple of stories from my other friends.

Friend A. She is working in a new business development division of a telecommunications company. Ordinary job. Hard work. Long hours. One day she said to me, “I had to get this project. Those people who work under me – they are paid on project basis. If I do not get this project, they will lose their job.”

Friend B & C. They set up a company. They hired young people – fresh graduates, people who have been in the industry for a short period. The company grew. But what they are always proud of – the one topic that they always brag to me about – is how the people have grown. They groom people and push them to another level. They help people grow.

Friend D. He wants to set up a coffee shop. Another big city thing, we thought, but not for him. He wants the coffee shop to be a place where people can get together, talk freely and discuss just about anything. He said, “If I cannot be those people, at least I provide the place where they can hang out and exchange ideas.”

You. I said to my friend. Do you realize how many people you employee when building one hotel? About 500-600 people, she said. Do you realize that you have secured jobs for those 500-600 people for the next several months? Not to mention those that will be employed to run the hotel. Not to mention how building good infrastructure will be good for the business or tourism industry in the local area.

I rest my case. What about your job?

Back in the game

I am back to my full time mode. I have just signed a one-year contract to be a communications manager for a project to develop small and medium enterprises (SME) in Indonesia. There goes my being a freelancer for the time being.

The process was strangely smooth. It took less than two weeks from the first time I heard about it to the time I signed the contract. The interview, the background check, the talk about administrative stuffs – all flowed very smoothly.

All I can make of it is that it was meant to be.

Out of the blue this friend called. She was offered the job but she did not want to do it. Then as she put it, she had a eureka moment – she thought of me. Who would be more excited about an SME project more than I? She was right. So I contacted the guy.

When I spoke to the guy (my current employer) for the first time over the phone, it was obvious that I was unsure about the “full time” part. He gave me until Friday to tell him whether I want to be interviewed.

On Friday I had made up my mind: to say no. Then I had a small chat with another friend. It was such a brief and small chat – I was sitting on the couch while she was doing her make up. I told her I would say no and she said “why not? Bla bla..” then I changed my mind. Ok, I will do it. Just like that. I felt like I was not even thinking. It was an automatic decision. (It’s the coffee, I had not had one that morning, therefore I could not think straight. Good timing. (or was it the durians?))

The rest is history.

I would like to thank those two friends in particular – one who told me about this job opening and the other who told me to forge ahead just when I had decided not to. You know who you are. Thank you. I owe you a big one.

Pray for me that whatever I will be doing will benefit the people who matter most in the project – the small medium enterprises of Indonesia.

Who bothers whom?

My family has this monthly gathering every month, where we pray and recite Al Qur’an together for about one hour. During the recital, my nieces and nephews expectedly run around, shout and laugh – in other words, having the usual good time. Then one of us so called adult would tell them to play somewhere else, away from us.

I wonder what goes on in their mind.

“Hey, what is wrong with you? This is how we always are. How is now different?”

“Why should we be the ones who go away, why not you?”

“Why should we be the ones who keep quiet, why not you?”

“You are saying we are noisy. What about you? At least we are laughing and having a good time. Are you?”

“What is wrong with having a good time?”

“We were here first. We have been playing here for hours. And suddenly you come and tell us to go away?”

And we say they are egocentric. And we say we know better.

I don't want to miss a thing

A classic by Aerosmith

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing,
Watch you smile while you are sleeping,
While you are far away and dreaming,
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender,
I could stay lost in this moment forever,
Where a moment spent with you is a moment I treasure,

(Chorus)
I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep,
Cause I miss you baby, And I don't want to miss a thing,
Cause even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream will never do,
I still miss you baby and I don't want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating,
And I wondering what you are dreaming,
Wondering if it's me you are seeing,
Then I kiss your eyes and thank god we're together,
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever and forever forever

(Chorus)

And I don't want to miss one smile,
I don't want to miss one kiss,
I just want to be with you right here with you,
Just like this, I just want to hold you close,
I feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment,
For all of the rest of time

(Chorus)

It has been one of those days.

A welcomed distraction

This is one reason why not to have a webcam.


Playing around with the webcam of my sis's new notebook.

Oh well, fine, back to work.

(in the pic: sis, mom, me and nephew)

Friendship - 2

Well, I also had another rather opposing experience with another friend. I would not write the details of the recent incident out of my respect to that friend. (Let’s use plural, those friends, to refrain ourselves from using gender-revealing third person single pronouns)

Suffice to say that they did something that went against my definition of friendship or relationship, again and again, and again. Yet I still consider them as friends. In fact, I still consider them as my closest friends. But I used to be not without emotions. I used to be offended when these things happened. I used to ’accept’ but still grumbled.

But when that particular unfortunate incident reoccurred this very last week, I felt fine. I was truly okay. They ‘mistreated’ me but I was okay. They can do as they pleased but to me life goes on. I just moved on to the next thing to do.

And I still consider them as friends - more than ever - and wish them well. I still care for them deeply but I am letting go of my expectations on them. They will return when they want to return, when they need to return.

I am letting them be. I am letting me be. I am letting us be. And move on to whatever thing that is in front of me right now. Enjoying what I have. I did not realize how much easier life can be with such attitude.

That night after the incident, I did my prayer. I felt fine. I told God about my experience. I told Him I felt fine and recited a prayer for that friend. I felt God was smiling and nodding at me. I smiled back. It was a beautiful feeling.

I know I still have not graduated from the school of emotion. But thanks for that smile and the nod, God. It makes me feel I am going in the right direction. Hey, even God makes those small gestures to nurture the friendship.

Friendship

Friendship is indeed one of the most valuable experiences I have had this Idul Fitri. I sent out SMS and e-mail to quite a number of people – many of which I have not met or even talked to for some time.

I have many surprising responses from old friends and acquaintances – short but nevertheless sweet. It was a beautiful experience to receive those responses, to get reacquainted once again.

It reminded me a of quote that a friend of mine Philip wrote in his blog as he was remembering a late friend of his whose departure was so soon and sudden.

He said, “As time goes by, I find the reason for my deep grief. Dicky always took time to greet me, here in my weblog or through emails. He dropped me a line or two, posted comments on my blog or sent emails."

Philip then added, "Such a ‘little thing’ I realize now is important in every relationship. Dicky showed me the true meaning of ‘care’. Email, SMS, a buzz on Yahoo messenger, comments on weblog, are meaningful in nurturing friendship.”

He is right. Those small gestures are meaningful in nurturing friendship. Thanks for sharing, pal.

Happy Eid Mubarak 1427H

Abu Hurairah, may Allah be pleased with him, reported:

A person came to Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) and said: Who among the people is most deserving my companionship (of a kind treatment from me?) He said: Your mother. He, again, said: Then who (is the next one)? He said: It is your mother (who deserves the best treatment from you). He said: Then who (is the next one)? He (the Holy Prophet) said: It is your mother. He (again) said: Then who? Thereupon he (The Prophet (peace be upon him)) said: It is your father.

Hadith number in Sahih Muslim [Arabic only]: 4621

Happy Eid Mubarak 1427H

May we all be among those who are able to open our eyes and heart to first and foremost be true to ourselves.

Warmest regards to your mom and dad. Tell them they've done one hell of a good job bringing you up.

Just like the roots of a mangrove tree

A friend was telling me in her e-mail, "I saw a mangrove tree at the Botanic Garden and was reminded of the mangroves we saw at the Singapore Botanic Garden. Those are the trees that drop roots from the branches so they grow both up to the sky and down into the ground. Do you remember them?"

I told her I love the way she described how the roots of mangrove drop from the branches - "so they grow both up to the sky and down into the ground".

It sounds very much like what we humans are supposed to do as well - to grow both up to the sky and down into the ground.

Too much of a coincidence

I visited a funeral of a dear friend’s father today. It was Sunday morning and yet it took me about an hour to get there. I had not slept well the night before. But I did not care. I ‘had to’ go. I needed to go. It was too much of a coincidence. And I shall tell you why.

She was a student of mine about three years ago. We kept in touch once in a while but never really got to talk. She joined my client’s company just when I was about to start my sabbatical. So we never really got a chance to work together either.

About three weeks ago, I was meeting that ex-client of mine (her supervisor) for lunch and there she was in the same restaurant. We sat together - she, my client, another friend and I - and we had a good laugh. I promised her that we would have our own coffee.

And we did. We met last Wednesday evening. We had a good long conversation over dinner and coffee –about everything and about nothing. I enjoyed every minute of it. (I really did, Rin, I did not even need to try or to pretend ;)) Such a lovely loving person.

Last night I came home at about midnight and I could not sleep. I did my prayer. During which I received her SMS. Her father passed away due to sudden heart attack.

Now tell me I did not need to go the funeral – after all the recent series of unexpected encounters. It was too much of a coincidence.

So I went there this morning. I learned that her father was a great man, judging by the strong positive impressions that I gathered from people who attended the funeral.

Her father just arrived from a social project trip last night, broke the fast at home, did his night prayer and felt unwell. He went to the hospital. And the rest is history.

Such a peaceful parting process in the last week of the holy month of Ramadhan. He must have been an extraordinary man.

I met my friend briefly – there were so many people –, said my prayer and expressed my condolences. Then I went home.

I am not sure what to make of this. I am still unsure why we need to meet after all this time. And why now? What can I do for her? What can I learn from her? I am still unsure. I know there is something. There has got to be something. This is too much of a coincidence.

Stay strong. Your father is in good hands. And so are you.

"Tak perlu memiliki"

Apology to the non-Indonesian readers, this time it is an Indonesian song, sung by Rida Sita Dewi. The lyrics is so beautiful and can be interpreted in various ways. Just like every other thing in life. No right or wrong. Just different. Just varies.

I have my own interpretation - I have more than one. And I dedicate this to you. To You. Thanks.

Dingin bayu tak menjadikan 'ku ragu
Kedamaian t’lah lama ada di kalbu
Walau ‘ku melangkah sendiri, jiwaku tak sepi
Kudapat apa yang kucari dan tak harus kumiliki

Rinduku mencair dalam rintik air
Bagai selimut kaca yang menemani tidurmu
Kasih, kubicara dalam sunyi senja
Hadirku tanpa kata, tanpa satu rahasia lagi

Ketulusan tak pernah berjejak pinta
Janji fana, manis kata dunia, semua akan berlalu
Sepi yang mereka sangka sebuah siksa
Hampa yang mereka duga akhir segala-galanya

Rinduku mencair dalam rintik air
Bagai selimut kaca yang menemani tidurmu
Kasih, kubicara dalam sunyi senja
Hadirku tanpa kata, tanpa satu rahasia

Apa yang kausebut sejati, jadi milikmu kini
Karena apa yang kaucari, tak perlu kaumiliki

Sekeping damai surga yang hadir di jiwa
Jadi milikku selama dengan mencintaimu

Rinduku mencair dalam rintik air
Bagai selimut kaca yang menemani tidurmu
Kasih, kubicara dalam sunyi senja
Hadirku tanpa kata, tanpa satu rahasia

Cintaku mengalir tak akan berakhir
Tak perlu kaumengerti arti ketulusan ini
Cintaku mengalir tak akan berakhir
Tak perlu kaupahami arti keyakinan ini

Arti ketulusan ini, arti keyakinan ini

"For mom, dad and my little sisters.."

The conversation happened the other day when my sister visited a doctor with her nine years old daughter.

The doctor was looking at my niece when suddenly he asked her, “Do you often recite al-fatihah (the first surah in Al Qur’an which is said to be the mother of all surah)?”

She said. “Yes.”

He asked again, “for whom?”

To which my niece innocently and casually answered, “For mom, dad and my younger sisters.”

Ooowh. And I suddenly felt like the most egocentric person in the whole earth. When was the last time I did that? She does it all the time and I cannot remember when was the last time I recite a surah for other people.

The doctor turned his head to my sister and said, "You know, if and when you go to heaven, it will be because of your daughter and her prayer for you."

Tell me, when was the last time you recite a verse from the quran, the bible or whatever for your mom and dad? When was the last time you pray for them?

Program anak asuh

Friends, this is a program that is organized by a dear friend of mine, Gantina, to help ensure needy children can enjoy their education. It is a small and personal project worth supporting. Anybody who wants to participate in the program can e-mail me and I shall provide her details.

Apology to non-Indonesian readers for the proposal is in Indonesian.



Additional note from Gantina:

kami memberikan laporan kegiatan via email secara berkala:
- per bulan,
- per semester dan
- per tahun.
Detil jenis laporan tercantum di dalam proposal slide.

Ttg seleksi anak asuh, sampai saat ini metodenya masih seperti ini:
1. Sosialisasi program ke sekolah2 (Okt '06 - Feb '07)
2. Kandidat mengisi & mengembalikan formulir pendaftaran (Feb-Mar '07)
3. Seleksi administrasi & interview (Apr - Mei '07)
4. Pengumuman hasil (Mei - Jun '07)

Syarat administrasi umum:
1. Muslim
2. Dari keluarga tidak mampu
3. Prestasi akademik baik (minimal 7.0 selama 1 tahun)

Tentang memilih anak asuh
Untuk sementara ini pemilihan anak asuh yang diterima berdasarkan jumlah konfirmasi dana yang dari pihak donatur untuk suatu tahun ajaran.
Jadi kita dapet konfirmasi dulu budgetnya, baru cari anaknya.

So far kita udah dapet konfirmasi untuk 12 orang anak.
Jadi mungkin untuk saringan ke-1 akan kita ambil 20-25 anak untuk ikut interview.
Kalo mau milih anak bisa setelah ada hasil interview (sekitar bulan april 2007).

Untuk tahun ajaran depan sih udah sekitar 30-an anak yang menyatakan keinginkan untuk mendaftar (tingkat SD-SMP). Dan kemungkinan masih akan bertambah karena kita sosialisai sampe Februari 2007.

Mudah2an bisa dimengerti. Tapi kalo mau tanya lebih lanjut juga bisa hub aku langsung kok.

salam
Gantina


Start doing something. Anything.

Losing my profession

A slight modification of REM’s losing my religion – which I sometimes think I have lost several times in my life

If you really know me in person these days, you might be one of those persons who wonders “So what does she do anyway nowadays? What is her actual profession?”

I told my friend earlier today as I was sending her my notes on the religious discussion I attended: “I think I have lost my profession. I am not sure what it is anymore.”

Her answer could not have been better, “I thought your profession was (to be) “a happy person”. Stay “a happy person”-lah. It is the best profession in the world!”

She is right. I forgot. Thank you, Ta, for the reminder. A good friend.

I supposed Quraish Shihab was right when he said environment (friends) is the most important thing. It is my environment/friends who make me or break me, who has made me what I am today. Thank you, friends.

- Gee, this is so in line with your interpretation on my description of that box and stairs in the desert, Ta (This is another 'Ta’). Without the dates (kurma) tree, of course. I do believe it is the people around me that have made me what I am today. Spot on, girlfriend. -

A happy person

I had the nicest introduction from a friend yesterday.

I went to her office and met some of her colleagues. “Eva,” she said, “this is so and so the managing director, this is so and so the account director and this is so and so who is a manager here.”

“And this is Eva,” she continued. “She used to work for such and such and such and such PR consultancies, and she is now..”

She paused for a bit before she added, “a happy person.”

We laughed. But I really like that. The only definition of me that she could come up with was ‘a happy person’. I like that. Thank you. I could not have said it better myself.

So sorry

I had a dream two nights ago. A dream that set my mood yesterday – although nobody noticed (except the two friends whom I (always) confide in – my dear old personal ‘trash can’).

In the dream, I was having a good time. I chatted. I laughed. I remember feeling happy. Somebody hugged me from behind, as a friend. I thought it was that person whom I am quite close at the moment.

I continued being happy and having a goodtime. Until that person passed in front of me. So, I thought, who was it that has hugged me from behind?

I turned around. It was you. You looked sad. You are sad – in the dream and I know for certain in real life as well.

We used to be close friends. I used to be there for you and you for me. You are still there for me but I am not anymore. You are going through the toughest times of your life. You have told me your stories. Yet I have chosen not to be part of it. I have chosen to avoid being there for you.

I am so sorry. I am so selfish. I am so sorry. I woke up. The dream was a wake up call.

The following morning, I opened my computer and logged in to my yahoo account. First priority was to say hi to you. To ask how you are doing. Buzz.

You were unwell. You were restless. Your world has been turned upside down. And I chose not to be there for you. Hope it is not too late for me to once again be a friend to you.

Happy birthday

To one of the most loving and lovable friends I know.
Wishing you the best God can ever give to you, or anyone. Always.

Pic: Those two personal angels of yours

Travel note: Umroh

Last week I took a one-week trip to Mecca and Medinah in Saudi Arabia to do what the Moslem called Umroh. Coincidently, I went at the start of fasting month of Ramadhan. There are so many things I want to share with you, but I have to choose. Otherwise, I will bore you to death with the details.

The word “umroh” means “to enrich one’s soul”. Every single ritual we do during Umroh is full of symbols that lead to enriching our soul. So there I was. Trying to enrich my soul. To find the peace that is often lost in the midst of my everyday life. To rediscover my faith. To talk to God. To talk WITH God.

I brought my usual prayer book. But without meaning to be arrogant, I found that it was more suitable for me to just say what I want to say with no help from any book. Just say it with my own words, from the bottom of my heart, directly to Him, as frequently as I can.

The most solemn times were the middle of the nights where I walked around ka’bah by myself. I did not even have any specific prayer or wishes, except to communicate with God, to renew my promise to always be in His Godly environment, and if I may, to be one with God. I did not have a specific prayer. I did not have to. He knows.

And how I love being there during the fasting month of Ramadhan. You should see how packed the mosques were at any time of the day. You should see how people sitting side by side regardless of their socio-economic status or their origins.

You should see how people gather to break their fast, and they always bring more food than they need – to share with others. I came to the mosque with nothing but water and I ended up with a handful of dates, yogurt, Arabic coffee and a huge chunk of bread. How beautiful is the spirit of sharing. Love it to bits.

Of course, there are still a lot to be learned. I still need to find my balance. Compared to other people, I shopped less and I have very few interests in the city tours that we did or with the lengthened chitchat. I just wanted to focus on my prayers and invocations. I was worried whether my comfort with being alone with God was getting too far.

I also have lost my temper a couple of times. I still could not stand people being too laid back about schedule and appointments – I find it disrespectful to other people. I still could not hold myself from protesting of whatever I think is unfair or unprofessional (based on my perfectionist standard).

But all in all, it was truly a worthwhile experience. This was the third time I went to Mecca. This time it does feel different. A friend whom I met during the umroh asked whether I have found what I came for. I would gladly say yes. Now I need to keep my promise to God: to always be in His Godly environment.

Thank you God, for everything, for always. You are indeed very kind.

PS: I traveled with Quraish Shihab and took some short notes of his speech. Those of you who want to read the note, please e-mail me so that I can e-mail it to you.

Peace in Ramadhan: Animals know better

(why the heck do I put two threads on Ramadhan anyway? Well first, I forgot where I had put the text for this thread. Second, because I want to. Third, because this is my blog and I can do whatever I want with it).

Why do I put pictures of animals for Ramadhan article, you ask. Here is the process. I was flipping through my pictures and promised myself to stop at the first pictures that reminds me of Ramadhan in a split second. When I saw these pictures, I immediately went "aaawwwwhhh", so sweet, so refreshing, so calm. peace. happy.

And that is what I hope Ramadhan may bring to me, to us all: peace and happiness. Within. An internal and internalized process to rejuvenate the soul, to create peace, to search for peace, to do peace. To be peace.

Enjoy a good Ramadhan. A peaceful one. Within.

I can hear my cat Miauw laughing and saying "hah, I told you so. And you thought you were the higher being."

Holy month, humble wishes

It is that time of the lunar year again when all (well, ok, granted, not all) Moslems are fasting. A holy month when hundreds of years ago the Moslems believe the holy book has ‘descended’ to earth through the prophet Muhammad for the first time.

To all who observe the Ramadhan, may we gain much more than just hunger and thirst. In hunger and thirst, we remind ourselves of our brother and sisters who are not as fortunate as we are. In hunger and thirst, we remind ourselves of no reason to be proud. In hunger and thirst, we remind ourselves of God and of being god-like.

To all, I apologize for the wrongs that I might have thought, said or done. I apologize to you and I ask God for His forgiveness.

May we all – all of us, moslems and non-moslems -- be touched by the grandness, peace and love shared in this month. Be aware that God is within each and every one of us. And that ultimately, He is the only way to go, whichever our belief system is.

Return to the true meaning of Islam: a complete surrender to God. In peace. Happy Ramadhan, y'all!!

Still in the school of emotion

I am in that mood again. One in which I do not feel like talking or chit chatting – imagine that, me not like talking. I would rather stay in my room with my notebook and its Internet connection. Lights off. With nobody around. With no music turned on.

Writing this. Or chatting with certain people – a selected bunch of people (if only they knew how selected they were). Look at me. Just after writing the previous article about perspective, I am writing this article.

The school of emotion. Very important. What a challenging task for a person as moody as I am. Obviously I have not graduated yet. Enough said.

Except to add: I am so looking forward to my next trip to Mecca. Miss You. Miss me. Miss Us. I should not have. I do not have any reason to because You are always with me, We are always together. But there You have it. In the school of emotion.

- Hi Floor, are you still breathing the environment as beautifully as you used to? -

I know you.. You are me!

It has happened again. I have met me – or part of me. Well, people that reminds me of me. I understand them. I understand where they are coming from. And I see what I can become. I see what I could have become. Some were good, some – I am glad I decided not to be.

One asked how I could know her so well. I had a hard time answering that question at that time. It took me a while to say, to realize or to admit: “Because you are me. The decisions that you are making, I have made that as well and lived the consequences. The anxieties and hurt that you are feeling, I have felt that as well. But somewhere along the line, we have decided to take on different routes.”

I have said a lot to them. I have asked a lot of questions. I have given them many of my two-cent. The truth is, those will be the questions, the answers, and the advices that I would have given to myself as well. I was not only talking to them, I was talking to me.

Obviously I have not learned my lesson yet, because I am still telling me this. Because I am still experiencing this through my own experience or through meeting them. Because it still hurts even as I am writing this. I am not over that yet. I am still learning.

Another said: “You learn your lessons anywhere, everywhere. It is just a matter of how we see things.”

I keep saying thanks to various people from whom I have learned so much. And I will say it again: thank you. To my friends. To brothers and sisters. Mom and Dad - of course. To strangers. To God. From the bottom of my heart.

And I want to say thanks to two people in particular: Mbak Lita and Ong - of Maverick. Both of whom have been my supervisors. my mentors and my friends from Day One of my working years. I could not have survived this far without you both.

A matter of perspective

If you are, ehm, an avid reader, then you know that I am a freelancer. Three months and counting, heyyyy, cool (me giving a pat on my own back).

The truth: I was worried for a while. The number in the account is going down. Damned, I think, I am not pulling my weight here. The old pal called anxiety strikes again. I had no clue what I would do next month. I have got to find another project.

I learned that there might be some delays in the payment from my recent project. Greeeaatt. (I was about to say shit, but, oops, ok, there I have said it). Should I make a case out of it? I decided not to.

Then, I thought, what the hell am I saying? (sorry for the choice of words in this article). I have chosen and still choose to be in this situation. I actually have enough to survive for quite some time. I am ok. I calmed down. I asked the Lord and myself for forgiveness. And I thank Him (or Her?). I feel grateful. Again.

Suddenly, I really did calm down. I am ok. I know it might sounds like a mumbo jumbo but after that things started to fall into places. Got some calls. Got some possibilities (some are sure deals). And I am ok.

I am telling you. It is a mind game. It is all a mind game. Or the trilogy of body-mind-soul game. Whatever you desire to be, you just be. And among the most powerful “being” is being grateful.

If you feel your life sucks, open your eyes and look around you. Look within and do some changes. Believe me, you would not want to change places with any other person. I know I would not.

Separations, divorces

Sad but true. Every month or even week, I hear that someone is getting separated, divorced. Even some of my friends who are at the same age or even younger than I am.

They must have gone through quite an emotional roller coaster to come to such decision. Separations always leave deep scars, deeper than we realize or want to admit.

Sad but true. Or is it?

In my opinion, sometimes, most of the times, it is better that way. Some are naturally left with bitterness but they seem to be a better person after the separation.

Not that I am advising everybody to get divorced. I am sure they all saw it as a last resort. I do too. Nobody wants to get divorced. But a last resort is still an option that we can take once we see no better way to go about it.

There is a quote that I like from the book “Conversation with God”:
“If you both agree at a conscious level that the purpose of your relationship is to create opportunity, not an obligation – an opportunity for growth, for full self expression, for lifting your lives to their highest potential, for healing every false thought or small idea you ever had about you, and for ultimate reunion with Go through the communion of your two souls – if you take that vow instead of the vows you have been taking – the relationship has begun on a very good note. It is gotten off on the right foot. That is a very good beginning.”

When I read this, I thought, wow, now how many of us have thought about this as a purpose of our relationship? Have I myself ever thought of it this way, however sensible the statement seems to me?

And here the quote was just referring to starting a relationship – not even about maintaining it. A long journey that is worth taking, given the right purpose, the right partner and the right attitude.

(Friends, please take good care of your heart. We do a lot of ‘practical’ things to mend our lives from those relationships but often neglect our emotional state. And please do not see this as a ‘failure’. It takes guts and honesty to make such decision. Love you.)

A change of mind, a change of mine

I have always thought of myself as an open-minded person. I also thought that I am a strong supporter of appreciating other people’s religion. I said that I respect all religions and (I thought) treat all religions with the same respect.

That was, until about two years ago, a dear friend, whom I somehow always think of as my big sister, asked me: “If your child tells you that he/she want to switch religion, will you accept it?” I told her, at that time: no. Does this imply that I do not treat all religions with the same respect? Does this mean I contradict myself?

A couple of days ago, I SMS-ed her. I reminded her of her question. I reminded her what my answer was. And I said: I would like to change my answer. I am ready to change my answer.

Her response was so touching for me. Loosely and partly translated: Now you understand that the task of the parents is only to open the way – to initiate the child to start seeing, to start walking. The (end) decision is really up to the individual.

Thanks, sis. Sorry it took so long for me to learn it.

The richest people in the world

I was listening to Quraish Shihab, an Indonesian Moslem preacher, the other day. He talked about fasting and the beautiful names of God.

He said that during the fast, Moslems try to mimic God’s characters. One in particular that he mentioned was, in Arabic, Al ghani al mughni – The Rich The Enriching One.

What interested me most was when he referred Al Ghazali and said that the definition of rich here does not refer to having the most money in the world. Rich here is the feeling that we do not need anything more.

In Ghazali’s exact term (as exact as translation may be): the really rich (man) is the one who does not need anyone at all. The one who has no need for anything except God Most High.

This may be way out of our league, so I shall settle with the definition of feeling fulfilled, feeling grateful of what we have. It is all in the state of mind (or rather, heart). And it does not stop there. Now that we have enough, it is time to share and to give.

A person who feels that he/she is fulfilled and thus start giving continuously – Does that not sound like the richest people in the world to you?

So vain

This thought has actually crossed my mind several times. I only decide to write it now though. Finally. A hard headed high pride person such as I – you have got to hit my head more than once for me to get what you are saying. Or rather, to accept it.

First occurrence.

Meeting a new friend, a fellow traveler who has traveled longer than I am. She gave me her e-mail and blog address. I could not refrain from giving her mine.

Hers was simpler – a smart playful modification of her name. Mine was and still is “a pilgrim for life”. I felt embarrassed as I was writing it. It crossed my mind whether mine should have been humbler, simpler, and neutral. Who am I to claim that I am a pilgrim for life or even to proclaim and to announce it to the world? Show off! But time passed by. I let it pass.

Second occurrence.

A comment from stranger in the blog. He (I presume it was a he) left a link to his blog. I clicked the link and found that his was even more amazing than my first story – he did not even reveal his identity. He has poured all those great thoughts in his blog yet managed to stay anonymous. He seems to understand very well that it is the writings, the messages that are important whereas the writer can stay at the back seat or out of the car at all. I felt more embarrassed.

I thought about changing the name of the blog. But at the end I decided that I would keep the name, at least for the time being. To remind me of how vain I am. To remind me I still have a lot of pride in me. I still have a long way to go.

I traveled back in time and re-read a passage that was sent to me once by another friend. She said: “The process of self purification (nafí) continues side-by-side with everyday responsibilities, rather than as with some traditions (tariqah), whose practices often constitute no more than removal from one cultural context to another."

The passage continued, "A change in outward form does not necessarily mean inner change, so unless there is a specific reason for doing so, the public wearing of distinctive clothes, the eating of special foods, or adoption of alien customs, is avoided."

She added that this is one way which genuine Sufi groups can be marked out from pseudo-ones, who show by their desire to stand out from the crowd, an attachment to ego, rather than a lack of it.

Agree. Yet here I am still using huge name such as "a pilgrim for life" for my blog. Geez. Talk about standing out from the crowd. Oh well.

Thank you, friends. Thank you, strangers.

Showing my color

Proudly wearing my nationality on my sleeve :) The flag of Indonesia. Celebrating the 61st anniversary of its independence. The rest of my comment, see this.

Hi, how are you?

I wrote in my yahoo messenger to a friend, trying to make a conversation. She did not reply. Apparently it was a ‘zombie’ – where the user seems online but he or she is not.

Oh well. Then the next morning she buzzed me. What’s up, she asked. Nothing, I said, just wanted to know how you were. Does anything have to be up? I did not know that I need a reason to call a friend other than just want to know how he or she is.

The previous time was even worse. When I called up another friend to say hi, she asked how she could help me. She said in this modern world, when people called up other people, where was always something. People are just too busy to call for a chat and nothing else.

Sad but there is some truth in it. This so-called modern society has gotten into a strictly business stop-wasting-my-time-if-you-have-nothing-to-say mode, full of vested interest. Ck, no, I should not be this skeptic.

A reminder of how all great leaders of religions have always advised the importance of maintaining bonds among friends and neighbors, of the beauty of smile and of the simple gesture of greetings.

Can we do that? Smile to other people. Say hi to friends. Greet the janitors or security guards or whomever you pass by. Say thank you for every little favor a person has done for us. Can we?

- Aah, this reminds me of your Smile campaign, Ai :) -

The mouse is in the house!

Literally. Even ‘worse’, there was a mouse in my room last night. Yuck, you say. Yeah, part of the consequence of living in a tropical country, having your room next to a garden, and opening your window at night.

I could not sleep. The thought of there was a mouse that might suddenly jump over me did bother me. Then my mind started to wonder.

I was thinking what if the mouse gets into my open suitcase – which was just lying on the floor half-packed for tomorrow. Perhaps I should zip it. Then I thought well, on the other side of the room lied my mom’s suitcase. Will it be too selfish of me to just zip my suitcase only and not hers?

The mind shifted to dear old Mom. I recited a prayer for her. And Dad.

My thoughts then went to the people who had to live with mouse etc in their houses – perhaps those who live in the refugee camps or slump areas. Mouse bites are very dangerous to children yet they can do very little about it.

I started to do my invocation (or dzikr in Arabic).

Poor little mouse, I thought. It was just trying to find its way out of my room. It too was afraid of the situation and perhaps was panicking. It did not mean any harm. We are all just trying to survive and live our lives.

I was calming down. I continued my invocation. The mouse found its way out of the room through the same window it went in from. My room was once again in total silence. My mind was at peace.

It is amazing what thoughts a little mouse can trigger. Perhaps God was running out of options on how to wake me up in the middle of the night for a chat.

Family death

In this last two weeks, I have attended two funerals. Two uncles of mine have passed away, one of lung cancer and the other of diabetes. May they rest in peace. Kind people.

In addition to feeling sad, I am always amazed how funerals can get all the family, relatives and friends together. They always manage to work hand in hand to ensure that the deceased has a proper burial. In less than 24 hours, we get all things done – efficiently and solemnly. Why cannot we do the same for other family get-together events such as weddings or birthdays?

They said attending funerals is one way to remind us of our own death. Imagine how we feel when we see our own body lies there. Imagine how we feel when they put our body into the coffin. Imagine how we feel to see our loved ones cried over us. Imagine the kind of things that we have not done or said to our family. Imagine what will happen after the burial has finished and we are left alone. What will happen after that?

To me, funerals always reminds me of my late father. It reminds me of how I too will part with my own immediate family, sooner or later - not sure whether it will be sooner or later, unsure whether I will go first or last. It makes me think –

Death also brings about many questions. Have I done all the things that I want to do or is there still anything that I will regret the day I die? Have I lived the way I am supposed to live? What will happen after we die? Will we go to heaven or hell? Is there heaven or hell? Will we reincarnate or is this the only life we have? Can the dead really visit the living? Will we meet those who have died earlier? Will we see the angels and the Big Guy?

My late uncles were good people. May they rest in peace. May we all have peace, even before we die.

Two more questions: Are we ready to die now? Why are people so afraid of dying?

What's God?

Several months ago, a friend and I were having a conversation - you know, the usual conversation about spirituality, religion, God, etc. Suddenly my friend asked, "What's God?". I was struck dumb for a second. Then I said, "To explain God with words will be to undermine Him.".

I don't know why I answered the question that way. It came out, just like that.

It was several months ago but if you ask me again that very question, I will stand by my previous answer: "To explain the very definition of God with words will be to undermine Him."

A determined soul

I have just expressed my admiration to the Ehret High School Basketball team, which has just won an ESPY awards, in my other blog Chipping in.

Their effort reminded me of a Poem by Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1850-1919), an American poet, writer and, as her admirers put it, a free thinker. The Poem titled "Will" goes like this:

There is no chance, no destiny, no fate
Can circumvent, or hinder, or control
The firm resolve of a determined soul.

Gifts count for nothing; will alone is great;

All things give way before it soon or late.
What obstacle can stay the mighty force
Of the sea-seeking river in its course,

Or cause the ascending orb of day to wait?
Each well-born soul must win what it deserves.

Let the fool prate of luck. The fortunate
Is he whose earnest purpose never swerves,
Whose slightest action or inaction serves
The one great aim.

Why, even Death stands still
And waits an hour sometimes for such a will.

Beautiful people

My uncle has been hospitalized for the last month. He is divorced and he lives with his small kids from his second marriage. So he is very independent in taking care of himself and the kids on a daily basis – which is a challenge when he is in hospital. Then along came these wonderful people:

His daughter from his first marriage – adding her father to a million errands that are already on her list.

His sister (a.k.a my aunt) – all the way from another city. She goes back and forth to take care of him.

His nephew (a.k.a my cousin) – He is a doctor who specializes in public health. A truly social person. He often has to fly in and out of Jakarta to help people in need (and believe me, there are a lot in Indonesia). When he is in Jakarta, he visits my uncle and tends to his needs. When he is about to leave town, he calls my mom or brother to make sure that everything will be taken care of. He visits the hospital the day he returns to Jakarta.

His sister in law (a.k.a. my dear mom) – Honestly, she is an amazing woman. She takes care of a lot of things. She takes in the small children. She visits or sends someone to visit him everyday. She thinks about his needs – medicine, clean clothes, milk, etc.

His nieces and nephews (a.k.a my brothers and sisters) – I think it is more because we cannot let Mom be in this alone. But it ends well – they lend a hand whenever it is needed, especially whenever it gets too much for Mom.

I will not hide the fact that there are a lot of unnecessary complications and hesitant people during this process. But I decided to focus on the beautiful people I have mentioned above.

As long as there are these beautiful people in this world, there is hope.

Sub blog: Chipping in

I have decided to make another blog, well one type of blog in two versions: the English and Indonesian site of Chipping In.

This is how I want to divide my writings (I did wonder whether you really care enough to read this, but what the heck, it is my blog)

The pilgrim for life – This one. The usual stuffs. Whatever comes to mind that I want to share with you. Very personal. The results of some of the everyday struggle of my poor overworked brain and heart. The kind of things that might make people wonder, “Why do you complicate your life with such thoughts and wonders?” or “Why do you need to question every single thing in life?”. Happened before.

Chipping in – A more practical site. (My definition of practical). All the incidents (or catastrophes), ideas and actions that grab my attention or cross my mind and support the idea of making the world a better place. (Sorry to be a bit idealistic. Um, on second thought, no, I am not so sorry.) Mind you, I might focus on my own country Indonesia.

This will also include all the actions that either high profile people or everyday heroes do that strike me as extraordinary – positively and negatively speaking.

I will put my own raw thoughts that might need some more cooking – and here is where I would appreciate any of you to chip in.

Seuluran tangan - The Indonesian version of chipping in. I could not make up my mind whether I should write in Indonesian or English. So I just do both. And I still do not know how to make categories in a blog. So I make to separate ones.

My Nepal and Tibet trip – obvious. Need I say more?

Thanks for visiting, for reading and especially for caring.

Another precious moment

A different interpretation of "precious moment" in my book: the time I spend with my beloved family.



A Kodak moment, you might say. Taken last weekend at Puncak Pass resort, West Java.

Precious moments

I have just realized something
I cannot remember when was the last time we spoke with each other
I miss that. Precious moments

Those nights
In the early hours
When there were just the two of us and nobody else
Precious moments. I miss that

Those nights
When I told you whatever was on my mind
When you showered me with all the love and wisdom
There were no more secrets. Only simple peace

There were a lot of words and silence
Occasional smiles and tears
Pure love and hurts
How can the twos be put side by side?

It does not seem fair, I know
I do all the taking while you do all the giving
Yet you never seem to mind
You just keep on giving. And loving
Can I ever be like you?
Can I be you? Or is this a statement too bold to make?

Those nights
When I could really feel you beside me
I was about to say 'in me'
but people might misunderstood our relationship

But 'within me' is actually the more correct term
You were closer than my own veins
As you promised in one of your letters
Precious moments. I miss that

I wondered why I felt so restless
Where was the peace that I thought I have found once?
I have my friends and family around me
I am at home. I have all the things that might make people envious
I am lucky, I am fully aware of that. And I am grateful for that
Yet I felt heavy inside – I am confused

I wanted to blame the chaotic environment around me
But I know I could not
If there is somebody to blame, it would be me

Even then you would say there is nobody to blame
It is a process I have to go through
To realize that there is no higher love than yours
To know there is nowhere I would rather be than to be with you
Only by remembering you, that I can feel peace

I know I should not just count on only those nights
I should be able to feel that peace each second of my life
As I know you are there every step of the way
I am not there yet, it is a process I need to go through
For the time being, I will hold on to those nights

But those nights were a long time ago
Those nights when we had our long conversation
In the early hours
Just the two of us

I want to feel that intimacy again
When I can share whatever is on my mind
When you shower me with all the love and wisdom

When there are no more secrets, no more pride
Pure honesty, pure love, and hurts
Precious moments. I miss that.

I have so many things to share with you
Perhaps we should meet. Tonight?

A message from the water

I went to a seminar on the true power of (hexagonal) water. The seminar discussed about the hexagonal water crystal based on the research of Doctor Masaru Emoto and how simple words or wishes can change the structure of water. Hexagonal is supposed to be the most useful or absorbable structure of water for human body. (Do forgive me if I make any technical mistakes).

Emoto-san, which was the main speaker in the seminar, showed all sorts of shapes of water crystals that had been labeled or called by positive and negative names. The word vibrates and affects the water. It changed the water structure one molecule at a time. The water affects whatever is around it. The domino effect does its thing again. All positive words have created beautiful hexagonal crystal that keeps growing. It was amazing.

Whether you believe it or not, it is entirely up to you. But let us say it is true. If small things like labeling or calling something can change the structure of the water, imagine what happens to us and to our body when somebody call us with bad names - bearing in mind that at least 70% of our body consists of water (baby 98%, children 80%). What will happen if we keep on saying bad things - to others and to ourselves? We are destroying our own selves. Vice versa, if we say good things.

To me, the seminar serves at least as a reminder of how even the smallest things can make or break someone – our friends, our family, our partner, our children, ourselves. It was a good reminder.

So I supposed what the Professor was saying was correct. He cleverly titled his presentation “A message from the water”. It was an important message indeed: one that advises us to love others and ourselves through simple means of positive thoughts, words and attitudes. Thank you.

PS: Warmest regards to all my new friends whom I met in the seminar. You do not realize how meeting you has reminded me how ‘green’ I am in the field of seeking oneself, how I have yet so much to learn, and how I am nothing compared to other people. I have nothing to be proud of. I have everything to feel blessed for.

Happy birthday, pop

Happy birthday to my father. Well, my late father, but one whom I still hold so dearly in my heart and will always do until foverever. (question: does it still make sense to say happy birthday to someone who has passed away?)

If you are reading this, pop, I want you to know that we are all doing fine here. You need not worry about anything.

If you are reading this, I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. God bless.

Ma’s business card

The late Mother Teresa used to hand out prayer cards, which she referred to as her “business cards”. On them were printed the words:


The fruit of silence is prayer
The fruit of prayer is faith
The fruit of faith is love
The fruit of love is service
The fruit of service is peace.


“This is good business.” She liked to tell people as she dispensed them.

- Taken from Kathryn Spink’s book titled “Mother Teresa” -

Note: It is amazing how one's love to God can lead to such relentless effort, undying peace and unconditional devotion.

I wonder what He has in store for me

Ever wonder what God has in store for you? I have. I am right now.

It has been almost three weeks since I have returned in Jakarta. Time sure flies. Life has been going pretty strange. This is what I have done: I have met quite a number of people. I have heard many updates from my friends about their life and 'challenges'. I have been spending time with my family. I have renewed my driving license. I went to the bank to get a new PIN number. I have written one proposal and one brochure. I am about to attend two sessions on healing and on spiritualism. I have been learning more about healing. I have been going out of town with my family to take care of family issues. Not bad for a first month back from sabbatical.

This is what I have not done. I have not made up my mind on what specifically I want to focus on – career-wise – in my life. I have not made any plan for my freelancing career. I have not completely unpacked my suitcase yet. I have not secured any project (and thus, income) for me for the next months. I have not returned to any particular routine. I have not done much exercise and yoga. I have not read as much as I used to back in Spain.

My life is so unorganized and unclear, yet I feel fine. This is so untypical of me. Which makes me wonder why He has led me to this path. I wonder, but I do not mind at all. To put it strangely, the only thing I worry about is probably the fact that I am not worried.

A friend of mine questioned why I needed to go so far for so long just to learn the obviously simple lesson that she had known all along: that we should just let life flows, that we should not think too much about too many things, and that we should enjoy things as they come. Lucky her. Stupid me.

Unfortunately, some of us need to travel a longer route to realize that. I am still traveling my road. I have not got there yet but I am getting there. Lucky me. Thanks, God. Owe you one (more).

Why the hell did you return anyway?

If you are not an Indonesian or you have never lived in Indonesia, I am pretty sure that you have heard about the condition of the country. Thanks to the International media and the multimedia/Internet technology. If you are an avid CNN viewer, then you might have a pretty strong view of Indonesia and probably pity those who 'are forced' to live there.

If you are an Indonesian or you happen to have the opportunity to live here, well, I need not say more about the country.

So that very question came from several dear friends of mine and my own sister: why do you want to return to Indonesia anyway when you have the option to live abroad? My answer - and I shall put it in bold: because I want to somehow help develop my country.

Cliché. Idealistic. Dreamer. Unrealistic. A big joke. Still, the answer came from the very bottom of my heart. So help me God.

PS: If anyone has a constructive concrete suggestion on how to do it, I am listening.

Freelancing! Freedom! And then what?

It is official. I have resigned from my full time position in my company, Maverick. It has nothing to do with the company. I love it to bits, I love my bosses, and I love my colleagues. I just want to have more room to decide what I want to do and what I want to focus on.

I am entering a new phase on my career. I am giving freelancing a try. I am free! (Call if you need a PR person - wink wink)

I was so confident of myself. I still am. Nevertheless, yesterday I was reading a book titled Working from Home and it dawned to me: I do not have anybody else to hang on to but myself. I do not have a corporate regiment that I can follow. I need to manage myself. I need to control my mood more. I need to think of my income target. I need to have a plan.

My high-geared brain is doing its thing again, fueling the worries within. I wonder how far I should plan and how far I should just let life flows – where do I need to draw the line between them? See how complicated my brain works? Maybe my friend was right. I do think too much. I can feel God smiling at me and saying 'gotcha'.

I suppose freedom has its price to pay. Just like money, power and everything else, freedom is not and should not be an end. We cannot make freedom our objective. It is a means to an end.

The more important question now is: what will I do with my freedom? A question unanswered. Without trying to sound arrogant, sometimes I feel that I am blessed with having too many options or ideas. It is a luxury, I know, but is still a challenge for me. I need to decide on what I want to focus on and to prioritize things. Otherwise, I will soon be tired once again.

So let’s do it one step at a time, shall we? For now, I am entering a new phase on my career. I am giving freelancing a try. (Call if you need a PR person - wink wink)

Happy birthday to a friend

… a dear friend, a beautiful person.

I know you like this song. This is the only song that I have ever heard you sing along to.

Losing my religion
by: REM

Life is bigger
It’s bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I’ve said too much
I set it up

That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don’t know if I can do it
Oh no I’ve said too much
I haven’t said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I’m
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no I’ve said too much
I set it up

Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I’ve said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

Have a peaceful birthday - full of simple happiness and love. If only you realized how precious, gifted and blessed you really are. Take care.

Home at last – thank you, Spain

I am home at last in Jakarta.

When my aircraft was taking off from Madrid airport, my sister asked whether I wanted to say goodbye to Spain. I said no because I am returning here someday. After a short pause, I added, “but I do want to say ‘thank you’ to Spain. Thanks for all the experience and lessons.” Not goodbye, but thank you.

The journey home itself was incredibly smooth. All the problems that I had projected did not turned into reality (fortunately) - the carrying of the luggage from the hotel to the car, the car itself, the check in process, the overload baggage and the complication with the immigration as well as the tax refund office.

I got teased a bit (by God, who else) though when my flight MAD-BKK was delayed. We did not know whether we would be able to make it for our connecting flight. We did at last but barely. We were among the last passengers to board the aircraft and it was already a last call. It was too close for my liking. I was about to lose my temper but then I managed to return to my “oh well” state. A taste of what is to come.

Then home at last. My brothers, sister, nieces, nephews, etc welcomed us home – not sure whether my nieces and nephews were more excited about us going home or about getting their presents. They made a banner for my sis (their mom) “welcome mommy”. They quarrel about who gets the best present. Jakarta is still with its traffic jam and lack of discipline among the drivers. My cat is still as fat and lazy as ever. There was a lot of interchange of SMS with friends. I started to work out whom I should meet and when. Nothing has changed much. It feels like the home that I know.

Spain was a training ground for me. It was a bit like – but on a much smaller and insignificant scale – a hermit monk in his monastery. Now it is time to practice what I have learned so far.

There was no goodbye to Spain. Only thank you.

PS: book read during the journey home: The pilgrimage by Paul Coelho. Recommended.

Andalusia, Catalonia and the Basque Country

It has just occurred to me that I have chosen the most interesting places in Spain to visit, with all due respect to the other regions. I went to Andalusia, Catalonia, the Basque Country and Madrid.

Madrid of course, is the capital of Spain. Enough said.

Andalusia, Seville in particular, has practically been my home in Spain. I met most of my closed friends there. I spent enough time there to have a strong emotional link with the region. The beauty of the region, the festive atmosphere, the passion, the informality, the familiarity and warmth of the people (plus the extreme cold (with few proper heating) and the extreme heat even in Spring (sigh)) will be in my heart forever. It was a perfect place for me to loosen up and to get more relaxed about life (my boss would love reading this).

Catalonia and the Basque country have been... – how do I say this without being too political and without touching the sensitive issue? Impossible. Ok, Catalonia and Basque are the two regions in Spain who have openly been stating that they want more independence. Sounds familiar if I tie it back to Indonesia. Yet I was there in both regions and I loved the place. The people, the scenery and the atmosphere were just as welcoming and glorious as any other places.

I wonder why I had the urge to go to those regions. There has to be a lesson in tact. The only thing I can think of is that I should be able to draw a parallel line with what has happened in my country and its restless regions. The people and the region are just as beautiful as any other regions. Nobody wants war or problems. If only we try to understand each other better, if only we can find a way to solve the problem and live peacefully hand in hand.

[Many stories. This is what happens if I am allowed too much free time while, for instance, waiting for my mom and sis to arrive]

PS: Just incase you want to travel to San Sebastian, the Basque Country, the Pension that I stayed in is to die for. It is called Pension Amaiur.

Adios to the Lonely Planet

Today I said goodbye to my travel bible, Lonely Planet (LP) for Spain. I have left it (not deliberately of course) at the Madrid Airport.

What a timing, though. Having spent almost the whole six months together, he (book is masculine in Spanish) has decided that it is time to part with me.

Perhaps he thinks I am a big girl now. That I can go about on my own. Or he thought that I would not need him any longer and he would only be an extra burden in my over-packed luggage (oh that is where you are wrong, LP – sorry, yes, I do talk to non-humans – animals, book, car, and stuffed animals)

Hope he will find a new travel companion and will be just as helpful as he was to me. Snif.

More on the visa extension

Additional note to the story regarding the extension of my visa.
(Written at the Barcelona Airport, 23 May 2006, 11.00am)

I have been traveling a lot lately within Spain and the statement that I will not get into trouble with the airport’s immigration has turned out to be an understatement.

Let us just say that I have had more opportunities (1) to practice my Spanish with the immigration officers on more than one (or a thousand) occasion(s). (2) to keep smiling and being calm despite of the situation (3) to still get away with it! Hey hey, woo hoo! Looks like I am really a “Spanish” now.

The immigration officer in the Barcelona airport earlier today told me that it turned out that I do have my residential card in Seville, despite the fact that I have told them I have moved to Barcelona. Life would have been much easier if I had known that before.

I can hear my heart saying “I told you that you should have tried your luck going to the foreigner office again when you returned to Seville”. (She did actually, I just did not listen and went about doing other things). All the should-have, would-have, could-have – which has always been among my least favorite terms in the world.

No matter. Not important. I can get away with it :) And I am about to meet my beloved mom and sis in an hour. The thing with the immigration – so not important now.

PS: I still have two phases to go though: from Barcelona to Madrid, and Madrid to home. We shall see what will happen then.

Beware of Rattlesnakes

My friend forwarded this official internal e-mail from his company. Just to show me how interesting life can be at his office.

SVLers,

Please keep your eyes open these days as you walk around the site, especially the more rural areas - like the par course - as this is the time of season when we tend to see more rattlesnakes around the site grounds.

Fortunately, rattlesnakes try to avoid people. However, sometimes people get in the rattlesnake's way and the snake's reflex is to warn with the trademark rattle and sometimes strike. You should always give snakes the right of way.

Trying to determine if a snake is a rattlesnake is not always the best solution. (Eva - I love this part best :)) Baby rattlesnakes often have not developed their rattles yet; and baby rattlesnakes are also not in control of the amount of venom they release, thereby making their bites much more dangerous.

Encounters: If you encounter a rattlesnake on site, please call Security at (this number – deleted).

Bites: If you are bit by a rattlesnake onsite, please call the Emergency number at (this number – deleted).

Nice, uh? Take care, pal.

Appreciation and pride

A small and rather ridiculous example – but it is true, which makes it even more ridiculous. I was made the Indonesian blogger of the week by A Fatih Syuhud. Thanks. It feels nice to be appreciated and acknowledged. I feel, well, proud.

Then I thought, my God, if this ‘small’ thing can make me feel proud (with all due respect to Fatih and his much appreciated blogger of the week column), no wonder I have not won any Academy awards or Noble prize yet. I do not think I can handle it just yet – not to mention I have not done anything to deserve them but that ‘small detail’ is beside the point.

I cannot imagine how those people must have felt – either indifferent because of their humbleness or their ego has blown up bigger than the world plus heaven and hell combined together.

Someone (I think it was the Prophet) said that praises and appreciation is a double edge sword that can be much more lethal than criticism and hurt. With criticism and hurt, it is ‘easier’ to feel humble, to feel small and to remind ourselves of the greatness of God – you know, when people are in a deep sh*t, there is a good chance they go to God to ask for guidance and strength.

But not many remember God and ask for His guidance when all goes well, when they are successful, and when all works the way they want it to be. At these, times, we would say, “Yeah, that is me, all me, nothing but me.”

What a deceitful and dangerous place to be. Forgive me Lord. All praises should go only to You and nobody, or even nothing, else.

Mom, I am coming home

Saving the best for last. One ultimate thought before I leave Spain. Just want to say this. I am coming home.

- Always mom’s and daddy’s little girl –

That other lesson I have learned

That is the lesson of life. I cannot begin to tell you how well worth the trip to Spain have been for me spiritually. I hope I am not being vain but I do believe God has blessed me with the time for myself to rethink of my life, to rediscover myself and more importantly, to discover Him.

I am a lot more in peace with myself. I have learned to accept myself more. I have traced-back my life. I have learned to accept, to forgive and to learn what I need to learn from my personality and my life.

I believe that we are living a “parallel” life in a sense.

On one hand, I have my personal ‘mission’. I want to understand life. I want to know what my purpose is. I want to always walk towards Him– the true meaning of Islam – to completely surrender to God. I will continue searching and learning. My objective is God – not out of fear of being punished in hell, not even for heaven, but for He Himself.

On the other hand, this does not mean I will live life as a hermit. I have my life to live. I love my work – public relations. I will continue to work on it professionally and sometimes personally for friends. I will continue to be a friend to my friends, a sister to my brothers and sisters, a daughter to my parents and all of those roles I have in my life. I might even continue to be a b*tch to some (There, Dit, I have said it. Happy?).

To me, to walk in the path of God is to live a life of compassion, of helping other people, or of seeing this world as one, while maintaining our focus on and only on God. My pursuit of God can and will go hand in hand with my ‘normal’ life. The essence of Sufism.

You see, there is more to Islam than just prayers, fasting and whispering the name of Lord with our lips. Religion is just a guideline along with some examples to reach a higher purpose. We need to know the story behind it, need to read between the lines and feel it with our hearts. We need to go beyond believing, to even go beyond knowing, and to actually experience it.

Until we have grabbed the essence and implemented the true meaning of what has been written in the Book, it is just lip service and we have not really practiced the religion.

Unfortunately my experience in the last couple of weeks have reminded me that I have yet a long way to go. My mood still swings from east to west as always. Small unimportant things still bother me. I still want, desire and expect too much. I still have a long way to go. But I am trying to improve myself each day - so help me God.

I am speaking of Islam because it is my way of life. But I think it applies to all religions. Please see the term religion in its widest sense possible, that is – according to my beloved online dictionary of Merriam-Webster – “a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith”. Whatever cause, whatever principle we hold so dear within us that governs our lives, that is our religion.

What a lesson I have been blessed with under the Spanish sun. Now one class is over. On to the next class and back to my old school: Indonesia.

On questions about boyfriends

To the thousands of people (well ok, not that many, but you know what I mean) who have persistently and relentlessly been asking me whether I have found myself a Spanish man, I will bluntly answer: no, at least not that I know of.

“In the middle of all those Spanish guys? Impossible that you have not encountered one.” It depends on what your criteria of a boyfriend are. Mine is not limited to just physical appearance – or as the Spanish say, that body of the firemen. Yum ;)

“Oh well, you are too picky.” Not sure about that. Well, yes, maybe, please allow me to do so. I want it to be once in a lifetime.

“Oh you have not opened your eyes enough.” A bit wider then how they are now, then everybody will think I am a sl*t.

“Oh you are too focus on your career.” Hello, I have not been working for almost one year. I have spent this last year for travelling and doing a lot of things but working. What career?

“Oh you want too much in life.” Don’t we all? You are just jealous ;)

Seriously, this is what I believe. I believe what is mine is mine. If I continue to walk His way, all others will come to me at their own time, and not the other way around.

In the meantime, I will use whatever is left of my lifetime to give my best to life, to God and to other people who cross path with me.

But thank you for your concerns. Pray for me as I shall pray for you that God will give what is best for us, according to His standard. He knows best.

Hm, I think these are the bluntest words I have ever said about me finding a boyfriend.

So you want to study Spanish in Spain?

Woo-hoo! Twenty-four weeks of studying Spanish have passed. Though I must admit that it has been a bit of a stretch for me, I do not regret it one bit. It has been a once in a lifetime precious experience for me. I still have about two weeks left in Spain but I will mostly be travelling. Not sure if I will access Internet during those times (yeah, right).

Anyway, if you want to put yourself in a similar boat of travelling to Spain and learning Spanish, here are some tips:

Pick the time. I personally like May – not too cold, not too warm.

Learn it all the way, if you can. Stay several months and get into the language and the culture.

Those who cannot stay that long, better learn something first in your own country and use your time in Spain to practice it.

If you do stay for several months, break your study into several phases and in between have a ‘travelling-only’ break.

Try different cities. Depending on what you want. I prefer to stay in one city for at least two months. Browse the Internet and pick yours.

Practice your Spanish. Of course, you say. But you would be surprise how many students do not speak Spanish outside of the class. So speak it, even to your English-speaking friends.

Do the tourist bits first. Do not leave it until the last minute (like me)

Ensure you have the proper visa. If you need to extend, do it as soon as you can and put the school adress instead of your flat. Long story.

Get yourself in touch with the locals. For instance, take a dance class outside of school with the locals (me, I took flamenco and yoga), get a job in a bar or horse stable (like my friend)

If you like a bit more 'challenge' than ordinary people (like me), take the DELE exam – is the only formal certificate of the language by the Spanish government

Discover yourself. It is a rare opportunity for us to be out of our ‘natural environment’. Learn something about yourself. Take time for yourself. For once, get to know yourself.

Be yourself. If you like partying, party on (keep a close watch on your money - it goes down pretty fast sometimes). If you like travelling, plenty of chance here. If you like to stay in the city and be alone, it is ok as well. Darling, you are in Spain. You can do what you want to do and you can be whoever you want to be.

Above all, enjoy your time. You will love Spain and the Spanish, I promise.

Pues, nada mas. Vuelvo a mi pais. Me alegre poder hablar Español (aunque no perfectamente) despues de estar aquí seis meses. Hasta siempre, España. Muchas gracias por todo. Era una experiencia inolvidable. Siempre te recordaré. Siempre te querré.

(That is it. I am returning to my country. I am happy to be able to speak Spanish (though not perfectly) after staying here for six months. Until later, Spain. Thanks for everything. It has been an unforgetable experience. I will always remember you. I will always love you.)

Ps: A bit of advertisement for my school Don Quijote, which is not bad at all. Recommended :), except for the taxi pickup reservation service – be a bit adventurous and grab yourself a cab or a bus when you have arrived at your city.

A dream of a better future - III

On my way home I could not stop thinking about this. Such an ignorant person I have been, living in the lap of luxury but still not giving not even a single cent to those children.

What good will this comfort of mine do if there are people or children around me – including the children of my maids and driver – have to drop out of school because their parents do not have enough money? What good is all these blessings that God has given to me – money, knowledge, experience, talent, social network – if I do not use them to help others, to help those who are not as ‘lucky’ as I am?

Another thing that was stuck in my mind is our tendency to stay in our current situation (people often blame it on ‘destiny'). It is a disease to us all. We busy ourselves with small things in life, we complain about many things in life but then we say “well, this is who I am, this is my condition, nothing I can do about it, it will not change that much.” My comment: Oh, I beg to differ. Stop whining and start doing something about it.

My friend kept telling me about her dreams. “Imagine if we can develop this system in our society. If we can apply this to many schools in many locations. The future generation will be much better than us.”

There are still a lot to be done. But at least that friend of mine has started to think that there is no use just blaming other people – be it the government, the senate, the rich business people, the NGOs -, while we ourselves have not done anything much. It is time to ask ourselves “Have I done anything? Is this the best I can do or can I go further? What else can I help with?"

The system and management of my friend’s organization is far from perfect. But I can also, vividly, see the happiness in the eyes of the children. She has helped bring that happiness in their eyes. I truly appreciate and respect her idea and passion. I am certain that her dream will one day turn into reality.

I would love to be part of that effort to turn the dream into reality. To be involved in the process, to make myself more useful and meaningful. Perhaps this is my way of answering the big questions of “So why am I put here in the face of the earth? For what purpose? Is this the best I can give to life? There must be more to life than this. If so, what's more?” Sorry if I am being a bit philosophical.

What is even better is the fact that she and her husband are successful business people. They have the capital (financial and non-financial) to do something for the community. A perfect balance. A true application of what Islam called – to belief in God and to do good for others. If only there are more people like my friend. Proficiat.

A dream of a better future - II

We arrived there at noon. The ‘class’ started at 1pm but there were already two girls there. One of the facilitators told me, “They cannot continue their education to junior high. The minimum entrance fee is Rp750,000 (USD75 - which is probably more than the monthly salary of the parents). How can their parents pay such amount of money?”. It was so sad. I cannot imagine me being a parent and needing to say to my child, “I am sorry, son, I cannot afford your education. You have to drop out of school.” Luckily there is a free open school in the village that provides classes once or twice a week. Much better than nothing.

At 12.30, the place was already filled with children of 4-12 years old. Some actually walked more than half an hour from their homes to participate in the class. Today the class was about singing and playing a traditional instrument named Angklung. For the thousandth time, the curiosity and the spirit to learn of the children amazed me. I cannot imagine needing to cut that off them.

The facilitator said, “Who wants to save their money?” Apparently they have a simple form of savings at the school. They saved some of their allowance. At the end of the year, they will collaboratively decide where they will donate the money. Some actually save up to Rp200 thousands. (USD20). The facilitator said that the idea came from the children.

"The last time we donated the money to a Christian-based orphanage, which was in need because the government has cut off their subsidy. We always choose to help those around us because God tells us to help our neighbors," he added.

The lesson continued. There was no explicit teaching of the so called “religion of Islam” in the class. What existed was the practical application of the values: that we need to get to know one another, that we need to help each other, that we need to act kindly, that we need to have self confidence and the belief in God, that we cannot give up and that we cannot stop learning. That God will not change the destiny of a person until that person changes it himself.

These values were also apparent in the facilitators. From the first time the children arrived, they greeted them warmly, full of smile. They played with them, they carried the children in their arms, put the children on their laps - all kinds of love that a child should receive. This helps build a child into a person of love and confidence.

A dream of a better future - I

This is a story I sent to my friends months ago. Now I want to share it with you. It is about my friend and her dream of a better generation. A long story divided into three parts.

Earlier today I went to Puncak, a resort area that is about one or two hours away from Jakarta, Indonesia. I wanted to visit an informal school for needy children that my friend organizes. That friend was with me in the car.

Along the way, she passionately talked about this five years old project. It started with the thought that not all children are able to go to school due to economic reason and that not all things can be taught in school. There are a lot of values that need to be planted from early years if we want to have better generations in the future.

‘We cannot change a child 100% right away. But perhaps they could be 30% better than their parents. Their children will be 50% better. Their grandchildren will be 75% better and so on. By the end of the fifth generation, they will be 100% better than our generation,” she said. “This is a long term project, but it needs to start now.”

We passed by a group small simple houses that basically did not have any space in between them. My friend continued, “Look at this. Right to left, front to the end, all we can see are houses. Where can the children play? There are gardens but they are private property of the city people and very few children can play there. Where can they play?”

Then we passed by a bunch of street hawkers and motor-taxi. She said. “We cannot expect those people to think far. Their thoughts are limited to what my family can eat today, what they can eat tomorrow. They simply think that their children are going to take over their work someday. Not more than that. The children are shaped to take over their job. (Without any meaning to undermine their job at all). How can the children develop themselves? I told the children, you can be somebody who sell simple things as fried tofu, but be a business owner of the fried tofu like Yun Yi (a famous tofu brand in Indonesia).”

“So not only they are poor economically, they also lack of information, they do not have a wider view of life. If they come face to face with ‘us’ the city people, we tend to undermine them. They too think of themselves as ‘lower’ than us. A status quo.”

Through a narrow street, my car came face to face with another car. I could not get through because there was a motorcycle parked in the middle of the street. The owner just sat by the street, indifferent to what happened. My friend commented, “You see, they do not feel the need or are not aware that they should move their motorcycle. Can we be angry at them? Not really, right? It is rooted within them. Nobody has taught them that it is not appropriate to do that.”

She continued, “That is why we should not teach them just science. We should also teach them how to socialize and to develop their self confidence, so that they will be respected. But respect is earned. We cannot respect another person just because we are fellow human. We should, but it does not work that way. We have to prove that we are worth respecting.”